Thinking Of Killing Myself Due To Cheating And Abusive Boyfriend

Over a year and a half ago, I meet my soul mate, the love of my life... At first I made mistakes and I take full blame for what happened, but I learned from my mistakes and I got fully committed into the relationship.Last year we were happy and in love, life seemed to be so great that I thought it would be like this forever, that December he gave me a promise ring, I was the happiest girl in the world... Before he gave me the ring, we argued, sometimes heavily but that happens when you live with someone right, but after he gave me the ring it escalated to the point where he hit me, emotionally and physically abused me, I never recovered from the beatings, never got a im sorry out of him or anything to this date...

For the past 12 months, I feel like we are at a point where we are really happy and in love to being completely miserable, crying all the time and feeling like to kill myself would end my suffering. I felt like the past 6 months he has been distant, due to a relapse in his drug use for a few months, a month ago he got clean and now has a new lease on life, through the months I have been going through a lot and to make the necessary changes has been hard when you feel all alone..... I recently got help for all the trama and OCD, Anorexia in my life and just when I thought things were bad than, he started to act sneaky, every time I go near his phone or computer he exits something right away, that got me thinking he was up to something. For months I suspected he was cheating on me, but I never got the proof until a few weeks ago... Condoms were found in his pockets, why would he have it when he left he house for?? Leaving for hours at end, not his usual behavior and staying out all night not telling me where he is going and lying to my face the whole time!!!

I confronted him about what my worries and he brushed them off, but I continued and finally got the truth out of him, he cheated on me, he changed his facebook status so that the people I know wont know what is happening, put me out of the dark, he is single and left me behind a broken mess...

He has talked to other girls, is meeting this one girl that he claims is just like him, that he can talk to and is happy around and he has slept over to her house and has only happened for a few times.... Since I was told, my heart is torn in a million pieces, I love this man with all my heart and he is my soul mate, but what he is doing to me is causing my OCD to get worst, my anorexia to get out of control and to get him to realize what a mistake he is doing is putting to much on my plate with a full time job.... I'm losing every part of myself, I was planning on spending the rest of my life with him and now that I feel this way, suicide is the only way to escape the pain, the crying, the loss in my heart that I feel and never left me at all.

Everyone is telling me to dump him, that I'm better than this, but I'm scared that if I loss him I'm gonna go in another deep depression and that it'll cause me to just wanna end it. I am not sure where to go from here.... I'm at my rock bottom, I can't go any more down, I just wish I could make some sense into him and to see that he has someone great infront of him, whose been there for him all this time and that he has ignored... I feel like just laying in bed all the time, to go to work and act like everything is okay is getting to hard for me to handle, but I need to go because I have no money to support myself and the bills at the same time....If there is anyone else out there who feels the same pain as me, I really need help.... My family does not know of anything that has happened, I love my family, but I don't want to add every stress of them when they have enough already!!! They mean too much to me for me to tell them that. I feel extremely alone and I feel myself slipping away a slow death in a world that has never wanted me in it in the first place. I can't talk to the people I love because I find it hard to burden them with all my problems. I'm at lost to where to go and right now the only way is to just kill myself. How have I ruined a once happy, carefree girl who was looking forward to life, to now where I have no more reason to be here anymore, the series of events leading to this took time and I never realized just how much it affected me.

Please someone help me... I'm desperate, much love Kathleen
dogdevil20 dogdevil20
18-21, F
Dec 10, 2012