Is It Possible To Forgive Completely? Or Is It Better To Leave Him Behind?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. A couple of months ago we went on our dream vacation... India. We were both so excited for this trip. I actually thought how wonderful it would be if he proposed to me when we were to visit the Taj Mahal. Little did i know that during this trip, i was going to find out the truth about what he had been doing behind my back all along.

During our entire relationship, he had been very protective of his cell phone, never letting me look at it or let alone touch it. He would also change the password to the phone once in a while, just in case i would find out what it was. I always trusted him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Since he was so weirdly possessive of his phone, at first i would joke around with him, but in time it became so obvious that he was hiding something from me that not knowing anything for sure, i threatened to break up. He cried and begged me not to do it and let me look at his phone (after he obviously deleted stuff he didn't want me to see). So, in that incident i didn't find anything.

I gave him a chance but always had this gut feeling that something was going on! He's a very light sleeper, so i could never sneak up on him when he was sleeping to take a look at his phone. He would also take the phone with him to the bathroom or anywhere he was. That thing was attached to him like a leach! I didn't find anything on his computer or paper work. It was during our trip to India, one day when he left our hotel room to go for a walk alone that i noticed all his belongings were in the hotel room for the first time. I locked the door from the inside and started my detective work. I have to tell you that even doing it made me sick to my stomach and made me shiver all over. How could i be doing such a thing when i was ready to marry this guy and start a family? How could this guy be "the one"?? It took me less than an hour to find out through text messages, Facebook and various apps that he had been having flirtatious conversations with girls after 4-5 months into our relationship and had girls contacting him while we were in India! I found out that he had kissed 1 girl right around the time he was introducing me to his whole family and was vowing that i was "the love of his life". And he had kissed another right before our trip! I could not tell if he had slept with them through the messages. Although what do these things tell you when a girl says: "I could smell you on my pillow" ...or "I miss your touch, hugs and kisses".... etc... They've slept together, right? I found one of the girls' number, confronted her and she said they kissed but did not sleep together. I still don't know about the other girl OR the ones i possibly never found out about!

When he came back from his walk, i told him about my findings and at first he didn't say anything. He actually seemed a little mad that it was all out in the open. When i told him that it was over for me, that i could never trust him again, he started to cry and begged me not to leave him. It was our first week in India and we had 4 weeks to go! I was ready to take a flight home, but he convinced me to stay and at least finish our long-awaited trip as best as possible. So i stayed! We spent the next few weeks together almost like strangers, having some good days here and there because India is such a magical place. He actually confessed that he WAS planning to propose to me at the Taj Mahal! He told me this without me telling him that that was a dream of mine. But when he said it, it seemed almost pathetic!

When we got back home, i felt empty, disappointed and betrayed. I broke up with him again but that lasted 2 days. He begged and cried for us to give it one more try. He told me that he did what he did because he felt insecure, lonely and sometimes "not sure about us". He said that he knows that he has wronged me, he made a huge mistake and he will never do it again. He now knows that i'm the one for him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. It's now been 2 months since we've been back and i still feel like crap. He has changed his phone number (only close people have this number now), has deleted his Facebook account, makes no phone calls to even friends and vows to do everything in his power to make this relationship work. Yet, i'm always suspicious. At the back of my head, i'm always thinking about what he may be doing that i don't know about and how he may be hiding it from me. I cannot sleep or concentrate on work. I've become somewhat obsessive. I wake up in the middle of the night to check his computer and phone (if i can) to see if there are any messages from girls. I feel so stupid and sick to my stomach. If i question anything, he gets upset. The other day, i asked him why he deleted his Safari "history" and he got upset. We have not been talking for 2 days since. Is this worth it? Am i not just wasting my life? I just turned 35 and i really want to be with someone i trust and start building a family. I do love him a great deal and we're so close, but i just can't seem to trust him. Is he worth my time or should i just get out of this relationship once and for all? I have not shared any of this with any of my friends or family members because i know how much it will hurt them. But i just can't keep it inside anymore. Thanks for reading and if you have any comments, i would love to hear from you.