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Is It Possible To Forgive Completely? Or Is It Better To Leave Him Behind?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. A couple of months ago we went on our dream vacation... India. We were both so excited for this trip. I actually thought how wonderful it would be if he proposed to me when we were to visit the Taj Mahal. Little did i know that during this trip, i was going to find out the truth about what he had been doing behind my back all along.

During our entire relationship, he had been very protective of his cell phone, never letting me look at it or let alone touch it. He would also change the password to the phone once in a while, just in case i would find out what it was. I always trusted him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Since he was so weirdly possessive of his phone, at first i would joke around with him, but in time it became so obvious that he was hiding something from me that not knowing anything for sure, i threatened to break up. He cried and begged me not to do it and let me look at his phone (after he obviously deleted stuff he didn't want me to see). So, in that incident i didn't find anything.

I gave him a chance but always had this gut feeling that something was going on! He's a very light sleeper, so i could never sneak up on him when he was sleeping to take a look at his phone. He would also take the phone with him to the bathroom or anywhere he was. That thing was attached to him like a leach! I didn't find anything on his computer or paper work. It was during our trip to India, one day when he left our hotel room to go for a walk alone that i noticed all his belongings were in the hotel room for the first time. I locked the door from the inside and started my detective work. I have to tell you that even doing it made me sick to my stomach and made me shiver all over. How could i be doing such a thing when i was ready to marry this guy and start a family? How could this guy be "the one"?? It took me less than an hour to find out through text messages, Facebook and various apps that he had been having flirtatious conversations with girls after 4-5 months into our relationship and had girls contacting him while we were in India! I found out that he had kissed 1 girl right around the time he was introducing me to his whole family and was vowing that i was "the love of his life". And he had kissed another right before our trip! I could not tell if he had slept with them through the messages. Although what do these things tell you when a girl says: "I could smell you on my pillow" ...or "I miss your touch, hugs and kisses".... etc... They've slept together, right? I found one of the girls' number, confronted her and she said they kissed but did not sleep together. I still don't know about the other girl OR the ones i possibly never found out about!

When he came back from his walk, i told him about my findings and at first he didn't say anything. He actually seemed a little mad that it was all out in the open. When i told him that it was over for me, that i could never trust him again, he started to cry and begged me not to leave him. It was our first week in India and we had 4 weeks to go! I was ready to take a flight home, but he convinced me to stay and at least finish our long-awaited trip as best as possible. So i stayed! We spent the next few weeks together almost like strangers, having some good days here and there because India is such a magical place. He actually confessed that he WAS planning to propose to me at the Taj Mahal! He told me this without me telling him that that was a dream of mine. But when he said it, it seemed almost pathetic!

When we got back home, i felt empty, disappointed and betrayed. I broke up with him again but that lasted 2 days. He begged and cried for us to give it one more try. He told me that he did what he did because he felt insecure, lonely and sometimes "not sure about us". He said that he knows that he has wronged me, he made a huge mistake and he will never do it again. He now knows that i'm the one for him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. It's now been 2 months since we've been back and i still feel like crap. He has changed his phone number (only close people have this number now), has deleted his Facebook account, makes no phone calls to even friends and vows to do everything in his power to make this relationship work. Yet, i'm always suspicious. At the back of my head, i'm always thinking about what he may be doing that i don't know about and how he may be hiding it from me. I cannot sleep or concentrate on work. I've become somewhat obsessive. I wake up in the middle of the night to check his computer and phone (if i can) to see if there are any messages from girls. I feel so stupid and sick to my stomach. If i question anything, he gets upset. The other day, i asked him why he deleted his Safari "history" and he got upset. We have not been talking for 2 days since. Is this worth it? Am i not just wasting my life? I just turned 35 and i really want to be with someone i trust and start building a family. I do love him a great deal and we're so close, but i just can't seem to trust him. Is he worth my time or should i just get out of this relationship once and for all? I have not shared any of this with any of my friends or family members because i know how much it will hurt them. But i just can't keep it inside anymore. Thanks for reading and if you have any comments, i would love to hear from you.
libertee libertee 31-35, F 3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

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Thank you Jen79 & nicole1988 for your replies.

Nicole, it's been now 3 months after i found out and confronted him and he's been very sweet. I realize that he's showing me how sorry he is by changing his phone number and deleting his FB account, but when there's deception in a relationship, it's hard to just "forgive" quickly and go back to the way we were. I was planning to do just as you mentioned, give it some time to see if he's truly sorry for what he did or see if this is just a personality trait. If it's the latter, then i'm getting out for sure!

Jen, i know what heartache you're going through. Jealousy is the worst poison. I'm no one to be giving you advice, but i guess the only thing that makes sense to me is that if he's ignoring your calls and does not want to confront the truth, then perhaps he's not fully into the relationship and you DO NOT deserve that kind of behaviour - especially after 6 years! I understand you were counting on this guys being "the one", but it takes two to make a relationship work. Maybe stop contacting him and let him come to you now. You both should have a heart-to-heart talk and he should respect your feelings and discomfort. If he wants to be with you and work it out, then he's got to step up. If he does not, then please don't waste your time. At 33, you're still young. Don't wait another 3-4 years on this relationship and then feel even more sorry if it does not work out. I know it's hard to spill your guts out to strangers, but i think no matter who you talk to, it's better than keeping it bottled up inside. When you feel a little less emotional, try having a calm talk with him. If that goes no where, then why waist your time? Hope this helps dear!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. From my person opinion, if he truly wanted to propose in India, he wouldnt have kissed another female before he left, he may be saying that to "calm you down". The fact he Is starting fresh with no facebook and new # does mean a lot though. If he continues to move forward like that, I would say stick together. If he falls back into his old suspect behavior leave for good! You have spent 4 years of YOUR life with him not to be wasted. All I can say is wait & see if he has learned his lesson or if this Is a temporary act of "apology". Wish you best of luck, do what's right for YOU.

This is crazy! I just read your post and I swear its my life. I'm 33 and have been wiyh my boyfriend for 6 years. I have always trusted him and never had a reason not to. He started a new job a few months ago and about two months ago I started noticing things. I always knew his passwords but all of a sudden his Facebook and email changed. So I got on his phone and looked at his FB. He kept getting a friend request from the same girl from his work. I questioned him about it and he got upset and went to stay with his mom. He ignored my calls and texts which right there told me everything. He comes back Xmas eve to stay with me. I get up at 4am Xmas morning and get his phone out of his jeans to see a text from "Josh" saying merry Xmas my sexy man wish I was waking up next to u. I was crushed. This is the man I want to marry. He won't sit down and talk it thru. I have so many questions. But he gets mad if I bring it up. He says he made a mistake and he is sorry it won't ever happen again. But he works with her and I've seen texts that were sent to each other before I found out about it. I can't handle him seeing her and work and me wondering what's going on every day. Like you, I haven't told any family or friends. I don't want anyone to know. It's even harder not having anyone to talk to so we get on here to get help from strangers. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice because I'm searching for the same answers as you. But I do know how you feel and what you are going thru.