Advice Please

My boyfriend and I will be having our 2 year Anniversay in February. We also welcomed a beautiful baby boy into our lives this August. But in December, a couple of days before Christmas my worst nightmare came true.

Things had been changing for some time now, the 8-9 months prior to finding out I could feel things were changing between us. For starters, he went from wanting to be around me all the time to constantly leaving and offering for me to do things. His phone because very secretive and was never to be seen, and if I touched it he acted very possessive and sketchy. He began sleeping on the couch, we quit having sex and he began to treat me pretty horrible. Towards the end of my pregnancy he hardly noticed me and it was almost as if I was alone. Once I had our son and I was up around the clock, I began catching him doing things, like his phone going off at 1 am, or 2 am sometimes. I even caught him texting somebody he swore was his friend even though I had doubts.....

Anyways, I came home from work one night and he was asleep with his phone out. I unlocked the phone and found texts between him and a number. Some texts said they missed each other, she even asked why he looked happy in Holiday pictures to which he replied, "I pretend well." He sent her pictures of Christmas presents he had bought her and worst of all, they talked about MY son together.....
When I woke him up and hours after asking I got him to admit to it being his ex girlfriend from Highschool (freshman year), we began dating as seniors.

The fight turned physical and I took my son and left. 3 days later we talked. He begged for my forgiveness, swore he never saw her, that it wasn't serious, that he had no feelings for her and that all of this was, "like a near death experience" that made him realize how much he loved and wanted to be with me. He explained that he could talk with her, and that was comforting for him, since him and I had been having problems.

It's been about a month, and I've found out more through strenuous searching and detective work on his phone. I can't determine if they DID see each other, but they certainly tried a lot. He wa even planning to take our 5 month old with him to see her. He talked about how he didn't love me, and how he had very strong feelings for her and he hoped to start a relationship once they could leave their significant other....

I feel sick typing this.

I love him very much, and he is constantly being sweet, but things still get to me. He deletes what he talks about with his bestfriend, he won't add me on Facebook and his safari history is ALWAYS deleted.

I also feel like he isn't attracted to me, both physically and mentally like he was to her..... She is very pretty, small, and wealthy. Since having my son my body has changed tremendously. I am not over weight - I am actually skinnier then I was pre pregnancy but I have very big very deep large stretch marks that cover my entire stomach, I also had a very difficult labor (my son was 8lbs 11oz, 21 1/2 inches and I am 5"1 and 125) and my boyfriend has said extremely cruel things to me in the past about my appearance now.....

I'm 20 and I just need advice, need anybody to talk to. I'm so insecure in my relationship, I feel like he cares more about her than me but that when everything came out she chose to stay with her boyfriend... And I'm second best. Am i wasting time, should I move on? Will I ever forgive him again? Will the hurting stop?

Thank you so much for any help you can give.
Presleyanne Presleyanne
22-25, F
4 Responses Jan 21, 2013

Your story sounds really similar to mine. 3 months after my son was born I found out my boyfriend was cheating it destroyed me but I stayed with him anyway and to this day I can't trust him. I also found out that he was walking to an older woman who knows his dad asking to meet up for some fun while I was pregnant and just recently he has started speaking to her I don't know what to do he has an answer for everything. xx

Oh honey....this is a very sad story. To me it sounds like he's doing something he shouldn't be if he's in a committed relationship. He's already cheated on some level with his ex. He won't add you as a friend on Facebook, he seems to want to appear single to his Fb friends, he has said cruel things about your appearance. This is not the behavior of a committed man :(. I would say you two need to have a serious talk...maybe even counseling?? If he's not willing to do either you need to seriously think about what you want and what you want your son to witness as he gets older. I am so sorry you are going through all this. My daughter is also 20 and if her boyfriend treated her like that I would go 7 kinds of crazy on him. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I hope you can stay strong and I hope things work out for the best for you. Lean on your family & friends. Sending you hugs!!

The best thing you can do is sit down and talk to him yes it's hArd but u can either forgive and trust or it will ruin ur relationship. I'm going thro this now and it's hard to forget but if u want this and he wants it u have to meet in the middle. But the fact that he hides things is kinda iffy I know if I cold even be my significant others friend on fb I would be hurt and keep wonder what he's hiding. It's tough if u have n e ?s ask me I have been through it and still going through it.

I completely understand what you mean when you say I either forgive and move past or this will ruin my relationship, because that's about where were at. He doesn't help with my insecurity issues though.
For instance, I changed the way we receive texts so that when he has read mine, it notifies me and vice versa. So he outsmarted it and changed it to where his phone displays a preview of the text message, and he doesn't have to actually read them to see what they say. Or I had a mutual friend give me her Facebook info so I could see what he was doing on there(because they were friends) and he deleted her. And the fact that he deletes his Safari history really makes me mad. One time he didn't and he had history in the personal ads on Craiglist, to which he said they were reading them at work laughing at how stupid they were.....

I sit and talk and explain how I feel, he says he understands but then turns around and does something else.
I feel, also, like he won't add me on FB because he has everyone on there under the impression that he is single. He doesn't- nor has he ever, posted anything involving me..... He never displays affection to me. It's like he hides it for a reason.

I'm just afraid I'm putting in this time and struggle for nothing. How long did it take you to forgive? I am still trying to find it in myself. I'm too upset to let it all go already.

I'm still in the process of forgiving and it's been almost 2 years it still is painful and it is still hard to think about him doing it again but it's hard you kinda have to decide if u can move past I don't want to tell u what to do cuz it is a hard decision I always hated people telling me what to do but do u think u too can work and move past it? I think I need to sit down with him and talk to him about his history being deleted and him not adding u on fb and what not! Your young so try ad work through it. He's 22 I'm 23 and it's been a struggle but we are trying

Also he had been talking to her for 7months, since I was 6 months pregnant.