My Husband Cheated, and I'm Having a Hard Time Getting Over It.

 After having 7 years of "happily ever after" my husband cheated. I had no idea until our kids came home from their grandparents (his parents) house, and told me about "her." He had been going out to karaoke w/ his parents on Saturday night, which is a hobby of his, and thought nothing of it. Apparently, that is where he met her. After finding out about her,  I told him he needed to call and her, tell her it was over, and he was never seeing her again. He refused, and then moved out one day while I was out grocery shopping. It was devastating coming home to an empty house. The weekend after, my best friend talked me into going out for a few hours, to "get my mind off of things". He showed up.. with her, he refused to talk to me, and at the end of the night drug me across the parking lot with his car, because I wouldn't let go of the door handle. He came home 2 weeks later. I think the only reason he came home was because he was tired of the wild lifestyle she lived, drugs, drinking, not having a steady place to live. I don't think he came home because he loves me and his children. This all happened mid- March, and he came home mid-April. He doesn't act the least bit sorry. I love him and want this to work, but I cant stop thinking about it. I cry when we have sex, thinking of him being w/ her. I drive myself crazy checking the detailing on his cell phone bill, calling strange numbers to find out who they are. I know I can't continue like this, anyone have any advice??
mandypants mandypants
26-30, F
20 Responses Oct 25, 2007

Just leave. It's hard to hear. But you're just blinded by your love for him. But remember how ****** he has been to you. Yes he has been good to you far longer than he has been bad to you, but he broke a commitment that is never acceptable after the point of marriage and children. Had it been once and just a mistake he would never repeat it again the fine you could have stayed together and he would have to live with the fact that he hurt you for the rest of his life. And you could try to forgive him. But he did much worse than that. He had an affair not a fling. He refused to treat you right, and only came back. Because he burnt out or broke or both. You a a beautiful woman for even bothering to take him back, let alone have sex with him. He will see he is loosing out when you relationship has been over for a long time. He will feel like an idiot or ******* or a terrible person or all of the above. In short **** him you are better go find someone better. I realize that this post is very old. I hope you are not in this situation anymore.

Dear sis..I dont know if u have got through this or not. I came online searching for an issue that am facing with my problem and came to know there are many women out there who r in much worse condition than I am in . I was in relation with my boy friend for nine years. And all these years he used me emotionally to dump his offive pressure and climb up in career. While I forgot completely abt mine. With lot of negligence and abusing and making up I am exhausted. Exhausted of his lies and hiding things from me. Having affairs and a secret lifestyle. Am tired of talking with him making him understand . Cause I never got what I wanted in this finally I let it go. But it hurts me on why did I keep quiet in the first place andvtake all the nonsense instead of fighting back. It hurts me when all friends in social websites praise him of what he is not. He is a psycho. But only I knew it. Thinking of all this makes meangry hurt. I tell msyelf this wil go away bbut not all yhe time I have the guts to face it. Break up is a very badthing fpr a gal especially. So I made up my mind to delete him. Its hard I know since I got used to him.there is no need to encourage people like this in life. U be alone. Nothing will happen. Instead of takinh all these abuses and alone ina lifestyle u like. Just because of socitey or scared of being alonr I didnt back offbut held my haid straight telling myself atleast ten times a day that things will turn out better. Laughing at what I vr been through. It realy helps. Talk to friends and pick your own way to diffuse all of this. Fight back. And never ever rethink ur decision how ever desparate the man is. Mve on .

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I kind of know what you are going through since I recently found out my fiancée cheated on me... However! I would LEAVE in that situation! Pack his bags and kick him out!

LEAVE. I know how you feel. It's not worth it. It's just NOT worth it. If he really loved you he wouldn't have done that. Wouldn't even have drempt of it. He choose. Now it's your turn. Someone said to me the other day, "if he could do it once and get you back, what's to say he won't do it again? As a man? If I could have my cake and eat it too? I would. Every time."

I am so sorry. I have been through this too. It was 20 years ago. Well, he just did it again. My advice is to leave him now before you waste your life away with a f**king cheater.

I and my boy friend as been separated for a long period, I came across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a spell man Dr Atingo that helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn't believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his contact if you need his help atingospiritualtemple@live. com

I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have a child together. He has been cheating pretty much our whole relationship. I was and still get extremely upset and depressed about what happened. But what helps me grt through it is him. If he didn't answer any questions i had or didn't apologize or didn't treat me like a queen now then I would leave. and I know its hard but if hes not doing anything to show that he is sorry for what he did then u should definitely leave him. Chances are he's going to do it again

holy crap he dragged you across the parking lot by the door handle because you wouldn't let go. why did you let him back in? you are legally married and he left you, and you have proof that he cheated, you are so on the winning side, why allow him to come back in to confuse the kids and sleep with him knowing he disrespected you. Drugs and drinking huh, wild life style? go to the gyn honey and get tested, i wouldn't put **** past a ***** like that.

One of the things I hate about men cheating is that some women put up with it. If a man does not love you, he does not love you! and You need to release yourself to give yourself a chance to find a guy who will.

My husband has cheated on me several times but never wants to talk about it. It is his "girlfriends" who tell me or I catch him. He then threatens that if I leave he will ruin my life. He says he will call my boss and say terrible things about me that will cause me to lose his job. I work in a place where they will not want the embarrassment that he will cause. He will get his mother to help pay for legal fees and said he will take our kids. It is interesting because he keeps on cheating, but then freaks out when I discuss getting a divorce. Why doesn't he just go with his girlfriends and just let me and the kids live our lives. I will be fair because it is important for him to have a relationship with them. He is also looking at **** as much as he can. I am his third wife. I should have known better because he cheated on both of them too (not with me).

You're not being fair to yourself. You're letting treat you like any way he wants. I would leave regardless if the kids are involved becuase I would not want to sit under the same roof being miserable and wasting time with a man who does not love or respect you. But I give you respect for being strong.

First off, your place of emplyment cannot fire you just to avoid embarassment or because your soon to be ex says stuff to them about you. You would have a lawsuit on your hands if that were the case. Secondly, you could always go to your boss and tell him the threat, that was if your husband called he could not take the call or at least know to expect it. Third, good luck with him running off with the kids, most courts side with the mom unless she is a drug addict or abuser. Get away from this jerk!

I am in a similar position and I dont really know what to do about mine, but if I were you I would really have to determine if I could deal with the stress of everything that comes along with forgiveness and the ability to let go.

I like the advice to leave & let him work hard to get you back if you mean that much to him!

I am so sorry. I have to say this before i give advise, but this might seem like the worst advice ever. My 5 year old relationship with my fiancee ended because he cheated on me with his ex, and ended up pregnant, i stayed with him for 7more months, i was hurt, so i decided to start talking to another man, never had sex with him, but we did go out a lot, he knew my situation, anyway it felt good to be talking to this guy while still with my ex, i told him what i was doing and he was not mad or upset we went to couples therapy, and alot of other help to make it work, til i realized that i did not want to be with him anymore, and although we were no longer together he still wanted it to work. What am saying is do it back and see how he feels, and that he hurt you and your children.

I understand how you feel I found out two days before our 12 year anniversary that my wife was cheating. i am totally devastated and trying to maintain my sanity. This just happened so i am still in the freaked out stage. I dont want my family or friends to know. I feel like such a loser.

Im posting mainly about this portion of advice i saw.<br />
<br />
Question is: How does your relationship recover? <br />
Option one. You can keep crying in bed with him while you’re having sex. <br />
""The results will be that he doesn’t want to see you cry, so he will be totally hands off. ""<br />
<br />
I totally disagree with this portion of advice, As a guy that i am, Men dont change at all. <br />
<br />
The only way i could see any guy forcing change in himself is if a woman gives him the "Pain of Loss" in other words, Separate the relationship completely and see how hard he is willing to work to get you back. If you can make him realize his mistake and make him truly understand why "You" are so important to him then you will have a descent chance to prevent him from doing it again. Until he gets a Real Wake up Call from you. He will keep doing what he's doing. You have to risk losing him. But crying in bed hoping he'll feel bad wont work. If he doesn't feel bad about cheating on you he wont feel bad about you crying during sex either. I think your probably giving in to him too much, thinking its helping when its not helping at all. Stop doing that! Give him a reason to feel he's going to lose you. Once he feels really horrible and realizes how important you are to him, THEN you can focus for both of you to make the relationship success and rebuild the trust.

I take this to heart more coming from a Man. I too believe that the test will come when we let him go and see how hard he fights to come back. I found out about 2 wks ago that my husband has been seeing a woman (i do not believe just one) who works on his job (longshoreman). I found out because SHE heard or saw him speaking with another woman, got mad and called my home, my cell, and my SON's cell. I was even able to tape him in a one sided conversation with her telling her he loved her and cared about her (that really hurt). So all he has to say is "i said i am sorry so now what do you want me to do!" What an *******! Any how I really thought about it and he is slowly acting as if everything is smoothed over ans I am PISSED! So I have gone to see an attorney and am going through with the divorce. If he really loves me like he says he will have to show me by fighting for me to come back (because he is definitely leaving) and to follow through with certain conditions, i.e. Get rid of the second phone, lose the GF's telephone number, go into therapyfor no less than a year. Look Ladies, i am 53 yrs. old, i have Lupus diagnosed with breast cancer (now both in remission) at the same time, havent worked in 6 years, have. 16 yr old son and I am following through with this. I want me and my son to be happy for the next 50 yrs. we have got to learn to love our selves first. Thanks LoveHurtDude👍

By the way in the conversation i tapped i found out that he had given her $3500.00 and 250.00 cash. This is more that just 2 ships bumping in the night. He is going! Wish me luck.

you need to dump his ***, I can tell your a sweetheart. Cheaters always cheat

Ummm....I think the most important part of this girl's post has been missed here. He dragged her across the parking lot with his car. YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM. YOUR RELATIONSHIP ON BOTH SIDES IS TOXIC.

I think I see a little bit of myself in you.<br />
<br />
My boyfriend left me then came back. I became so worried and paranoid. I would check his cell phone, his email, call phone numbers I found... I felt like I was going crazy. It happened a couple of years ago, but I am still just as upset. I can't even talk to him about it anymore.<br />
<br />
The following year, it got so bad I had to go to a psych ward... I became self-destructive, my academics suffered, I wasn't eating, I contemplated suicide...I must've snapped. At this time, my boyfriend tried to be supportive. But right now, he doesn't seem to understand why I can't just "let it go" yet. It makes him angry. I've stopped talking to him about it. I feel like I'm back where I started.<br />
<br />
People ask me why I'm still with this person... it seems to obvious to just get up and leave, right? I think I'm still hopeful somehow, but I'm trying to keep in mind that if it was really meant to be, then it will work itself out.<br />
<br />
I've never been married, and I can't even imagine what this would be like if children were involved. But I can understand that there is a huge part of you that really wants this to work out. You're married to this person, you have kids together, and it's not like it's so simple for you to get up and leave. This is obviously someone you really love and care about.<br />
<br />
I've been confiding in therapists and counselors since my incident. I think it might be a good idea for you to consider that option... or maybe the both of you together. Does he know it makes you upset? Have you tried talking to him about it afterwards? Did he just simply waltz back into your life, no questions asked? You need to address your problems.

Hello Mandypants,<br />
I am so sorry that this has happened in your life.<br />
<br />
When a spouse cheats, it is a severe blow to the relationship. TRUST is broken. You feel betrayed. You can not understand why he did this to YOU. You think that he can not possibly love you, because if he did, there is no way he would have cheated in the first place. <br />
<br />
At first you are in disbelief. You can not possibly imagine this being a reality. Then you go through a phase of blaming yourself. If I had been a better lover he would not have done this. Then your self esteem suffers next. If I were prettier. If my hair was black, brown or my nose smaller, my breast larger, or if I were only two inches taller/shorter. Etc., <br />
<br />
Next you wonder how you can fix it. Make everything perfect, so it will never happen again. Then you try your best to be the BEST lover in the world to him. Do everything he likes, the best you can, so he has no need for anyone else.<br />
<br />
I understand the crying while you’re in bed together. I did that too. It serves no purpose. What you have not realized yet, is that his cheating had nothing to do with YOU. It does not matter what you wear, how you dress what color your hair is, how tall/short you are. Because him cheating was NOT about YOU. It is not anything he did to YOU. Actually, I doubt it if YOU ever crossed his mind while he was cheating. The cheating was about him. It was not the girl that he had the affair with that caused it. If it had not been her, it would have been some other female. You did not cause him to cheat, and you can not fix it. You can not be responsible for other person’s actions.<br />
<br />
Question is: How does your relationship recover? Option one. You can keep crying in bed with him while you’re having sex. The results will be that he doesn’t want to see you cry, so he will be totally hands off. Then, where will he go for his needs? Do you see my point?<br />
<br />
Have you gotten angry yet? That usually results in you cutting him off completely. Then, where does that leave him? See my point?<br />
<br />
You have kids. You want the marriage to work....... for the kids’ sake, right? Well, do you think the kids can not pick up on the tension? They know something is not right. They see even though they may be small.<br />
<br />
So what are your options? End result is you either have to forgive him or end the relationship. End the relationship, problems solved. OR Forgive. Yes, I did say FORGIVE. That means not throwing it up in his face every time you get into a disagreement, or he is 5 minutes late coming home from work. You need to leave his detail billing (cell phone) alone. Try to rebuild trust. Without rebuilding the trust, you can never forget. Never forgetting means NOT forgiving. You need to talk to your husband. You need to tell him that he has hurt you. You need to explain how it makes you feel. YOU need to find out if HIS heart is in the relationship. There is no way you can make it work if he is not willing to work with you. If he puts forth the effort to try to rebuild the trust, you have to get past the past. <br />
<br />
If he does not want to work with you on rebuilding the trust, He has givin you the answer, of where you stand. He cheated your hurt. What does not kill us makes us stronger. You need to know where you stand with him and your relationship.<br />
<br />
I have a question for you that I already know the answer to. (The question is more for YOU to ask yourself) Why was the door open for him to walk back into so easily? Correct me if I am wrong, but the answer is because you love him. If you love him, is he a good enough man to be forgiven? Because we all make mistakes. We are all human. If his straying was a mistake, do you love him enough to find forgiveness in your heart?<br />
<br />
The only thing that will give you peace inside yourself is to find forgiveness for his imperfections. Anger and resentment will only fester and grow inside you. Forgiving will give you inner peace and strength.<br />
<br />
It took me a long time to go through all the emotions. I have given you the end result of many tears, and much heartache. You have to reach inside yourself, and give your self a direction to take. If you take the direction of making your marriage work, you have to know that YOU did not cause this. Then you can stop blaming yourself, and get to work rebuilding the trust. <br />
<br />
I am still with my husband who cheated on me in lucky year number 13. I found forgiveness for his imperfections (infidelity). I love him more today than I did the day I married him. I also learned to love me. I have taught him not to take me for granted. If he repeats his actions of infidelity, and I find out about it, he is HISTORY and he knows it. I made a believer out of him. Forgiving past mistakes is one thing. He needs to have a CLEAR understanding that repeating his infidelity will not result in the door left open, just waiting for him to decide to come home.<br />
<br />
I hope this helps you to find peace inside yourself.<br />
Good luck.

you are so right, its the exact same feelings in the same order that I am going through.