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Emotional Infidelity

It happened two years ago, but I still cry like it happened yesterday.

We're in a long-distance relationship. Once I started going to college, he started spending more and more time with an "old friend." I'll call her "Hilda."

It just got to the point where they would spend every waking moment together... once he got off work, he would go to her house and "hang out" until 5am. It got harder and harder to keep in touch with him, and every time we would talk, he would get so angry and defensive.

He said things that made me so upset -- "you're so naive"... "we live so far away so we're not really in a relationship anyway"..."I don't even really know you...we have nothing in common...."

And he would compare me to this "Hilda" girl like she was the Holy Grail of fashion and street credibility...He confided in her in ways he used to confide in me. I thought he was being emotionally unfaithful and verbally abusive. He has denied ever having sex with her, but really, I'm not so sure.

It got to the point where a heated conversation ended with him telling me he hated me, and blaming me for his money/car/work problems. He broke up with me. Then immediately began to pursue Hilda. Hilda refused to be his girlfriend. Eventually he came back to me.

I feel like such a loser sometimes...
paperalias paperalias 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 23, 2007

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My ex said stuff like that too me. Everything was my fault, if I were better somehow he would be happy and wouldn't have cheated. He said that he was feeling bad about himself and needed someone who appriciated him. He's full of it, I know that now, but at the time I just kept trying harder and harder to be what he wanted. Pretty soon I didn't know who I was. Then the clencher!! He said "It's like I dont know you anymore" I still love him and it hurts so bad be without him but I'm happier than I was with him. Thats something anyway.

It may be that I'm in a pathetically vulnerable state because my boyfriend almost just left me for another girl, but your story made me cry. I'm REALLY sorry that guys suck. Gah.

Ok... you really really need to leave him. I hate to say it but it sounded like he really wanted to be with her. Yeah she turned him down and he came back... but how long will it be until another "Hilda" comes along? My boyfriend cheated on me and I forgave him... then he did it again! Worst of all I tried to stay with him again! I made excuses for him and why it happened and believed everything he said. I was still crying about it a year later and decided it wasn't worth it. I wasn't getting over it and I was just putting myself through hell. I turned into this horrible jealous, angry, emotional girlfriend- somebody I NEVER thought I would be. I hated the way I was, I was consumed with fear and resentment. I loved him, still do. But I know what's best for me. I don't think it matters if he had sex with her or not.. the point is he wanted to. So what's the difference? You said you're in college? I think you need to focus on that. I was in college when my boyfriend cheated on me, my grades went down and I had to retake some classes. It really wasn't worth it. I know there are guys out there that would never choose to be anyone else. I won't be second choice. You really deserve more. A good friend of mine used to ask me...Do you want to be a side dish? The answer is definitely not. You need to find a guy who will think that you are "the Holy Grail of fashion and street credibility". The best way to find that guy is to not look for him. Focus on yourself. Do well in school, get some hobbies, make some positive and dependeble friends. When you develop yourself to your full potential then you will find someone who compliments that. You don't NEED anyone only yourself! So surround yourself with positive people who love you for who you are, and then Mr. Right will come along soon enough.