So Far Away Then Back To Square One

the husband and i seperated 2 months ago. we lived together in west texas then once we split, our two children and myself moved 350 miles away from him because we had no where else to havent seen him in a while...we were talking on the phone and decided that we get along better when we arent together and we were going to try to say friends...well that was going pretty good since he was so far away. but this past weekend he came down to visit the kids and as soon as i saw him i fell in love all over again. he was being extremly nice to me..and held doors open for me.. just like in the beginning of our relationship...and i loved it...where was all that 4 years ago? but like i said it felt like the beginning, so fresh, so happy....but then we decided to go out a club.. and close to the end of the night he ended up getting a girls phone number...and i was pretty drunk and i dont know what happened to me....i switch flipped in my brain from happy go lucky to instant rage...i kept my cool until we got out of the club...but the car ride home i could sense a little hostility in his voice because he knew i was upset...and i lashed out at him like i never have before in our entire relationship...i attempted to jump out of the car going 50 mph down the hwy....forced him to pull over to let me out of the car and about 15 min of me yelling nonsense at him that i didnt even understand because i was too drunk to know what i was doing...all i knew was i was furious.....he finally got me back in the car....and we got a hotel so we could talk i was still pissed.. started gathering my things because i was determined to drive mysefl home..just didnt want to be anywhere around him. he had to man- handle me to keep me from leaving. i kept ******* away from him and yelling "dont touch me! i want to go home!" this went on for about an hour... once i was on the floor and he pried my keys away from me....i calmed down a bit then ended up hyperventalating because i was crying so hard. told him i loved him, that i wanted him to move back to where i am living, told him i was miserable without him and that i NEEDED him...well again he became reallly nice to me...told me he would in a few months after he took care of some things...then the next day i felt absolutly horrible about what i did....he was the super nice gentleman he had been before.. spent all day hugging, kissing, holding my hand, it was a good day....aside from the fact that i couldnt forget about what i did the night before. which i cant figure out what the hell i was thinking.....he is supposed to be just my friend....what on earth would possess me to act the way i did. it was a side of my self that I had never seen before.... i just felt so ashamed, embarrassed, guilty....and i have two adorable children....WTF was i thinking??? i could have killed myself....then what were they going to do??? i feel like a terrible mother, was being selfish, and thats not like me at all. my kids ALWAYS come first in my life...idk what i was doing. so anyways....he was being nice to me the day after i acted a fool....and then today he told me we couldnt be together because he cant handle going through that situation ever again...and i cant blame him....i was acting crazy....but he still wants to move closer to be with the kids more often. and today he went back to his home 350 miles away...knowing he will be moving back eases my mind a little but i texted him to see if he made it home ok....and tonight....right now as i type he is with anoher woman...and i know they will be sleeping together....and i just cant handle this....i know he isnt mine anymore but i still love him more than words can say. it is kiling me to know that he is sleeping with another woman. people have told me to accept the fact that we arent going to be together anymore and move on but i dont even know where to start....why was he being so nice to me even after my outburst? how do i come to terms with the fact that its over? i can say it all day long but it doesnt seem to help me...i have lost everyone in my the only other adult in my life that i care for has left me too?? why me? why do i keep loosing everyone? why am i so unlovable? why do i have to lose him too? i honestly cant imagine my life without him....idk where to start or what to do, im totally lost, in love and alone.    any advice or comments from anyone would be greatly appreciated.  thanks for reading.
heiferinacage heiferinacage
Jul 21, 2010