I Wish I Could Erase The Memories
I know that we aren't suppose to be together and I know that he isn't good for me and as much as I want to move on, I can't erase the memories. I deleted all of our mutual friends on facebook, blocked him from my page and tried to just break all ties with him. I even moved out of the city. He called me recently, just to tell me that I had some mail, but his voice, it brought back memories. He hurt me so much. I mean, how can you hurt someone so many times on purpose if you love them. And yet, I still love him, I still think about him, I still imagine us being together. I worry that something is wrong with me. I think he is happy in his new relationship, but, I still feel that he loves me and I think that he thinks about me. I gave up sooo much to be with him, which is one of the reasons I think I'm so mad and just can't let go. When I met him, I had a car, an apt and a job. Being with him, I eventually lost all of it. The sacrifice I made, everything that I did for him, it all comes back to me and I get upset. As much as I want to hate him, I can't. I've been through heart ache before and by now, you would think that it would of hardened me by now. Not the case. I still believe in love, I still think that "one" is out there. But I half way want to go though all the mess to get it. I think a reason I can't stop thinking about him is because not only is my love life not happening at the moment, but I have nothing else to do. I'm not working, I have no car and I'm living with my best friend. I'm stuck, in a small city with no good prospect of men. I've talked to a few but honestly, I'm scared. What if I'm flawed. It seems like, I talk to a guy for a few days and then they lose interest. Its a never ending cycle. I want to be completely over my ex before I move on. The last time I felt this way about someone, it took me two years to realize it wasn't going anywhere and months after that for me to accept it. I really don't knwo the purpose of me writing this was. I guess just to get it off my chest and hope someone reads it.