I Wish I Could Erase The Memories

I know that we aren't suppose to be together and I know that he isn't good for me and as much as I want to move on, I can't erase the memories. I deleted all of our mutual friends on facebook, blocked him from my page and tried to just break all ties with him. I even moved out of the city. He called me recently, just to tell me that I had some mail, but his voice, it brought back memories. He hurt me so much. I mean, how can you hurt someone so many times on purpose if you love them. And yet, I still love him, I still think about him, I still imagine us being together. I worry that something is wrong with me. I think he is happy in his new relationship, but, I still feel that he loves me and I think that he thinks about me. I gave up sooo much to be with him, which is one of the reasons I think I'm so mad and just can't let go. When I met him, I had a car, an apt and a job. Being with him, I eventually lost all of it. The sacrifice I made, everything that I did for him, it all comes back to me and I get upset. As much as I want to hate him, I can't. I've been through heart ache before and by now, you would think that it would of hardened me by now. Not the case. I still believe in love, I still think that "one" is out there. But I half way want to go though all the mess to get it. I think a reason I can't stop thinking about him is because not only is my love life not happening at the moment, but I have nothing else to do. I'm not working, I have no car and I'm living with my best friend. I'm stuck, in a small city with no good prospect of men. I've talked to a few but honestly, I'm scared. What if I'm flawed. It seems like, I talk to a guy for a few days and then they lose interest. Its a never ending cycle. I want to be completely over my ex before I move on. The last time I felt this way about someone, it took me two years to realize it wasn't going anywhere and months after that for me to accept it. I really don't knwo the purpose of me writing this was. I guess just to get it off my chest and hope someone reads it.

SunShinesTomorrow SunShinesTomorrow
18-21, F
5 Responses Feb 17, 2010

I understand what your going thru and I am right here for you if you want to talk

Have you come across Exaholics.com yet? It's a great resource. Very supportive community full of people who really get it. Good luck.

I loved a man back in the spring/summer of 2007. I lived on the coast and I was 21. I was having "the time of my life." Anything we did, we did it together. <br />
It is hard to believe that didn't last. I went batsh*t insane for a total of two years over him. He and this other girl had a child together in the midst of my craziness and I would look the pictures up on facebook. I felt like a psycho. Weird thing is, here it is the summer of 2011, I have been through so much since then... and I still find my heart in my stomach instead of in my chest when I think of him.<br />
This life is a hard one... it is short, BUT it is wide.

Right now i am in so much pain, I think i am addicted to unhappiness and pain he treated me so bad and i am miserable with or without him it is so sick<br />
He never made me think he cared for me genuinely it was all pretense i am so sad now<br />
he never loved me all he just wanted was sex he pretended to care about me so i trusted him<br />
he never bought me anything only if i asked him too he was so wrong for me <br />
i knew he was so bad but i still loved him. i thot he could change but he dumped me i needed him so much he would not even talk to me<br />
I recently saw a picture of him on Facebook<br />
with someone new obviously he has a type because she looks like me<br />
he had a big smile on his face the smile i never saw when he was with me<br />
i am listening to sad songs now<br />
maybe it will help<br />
i hope i don t die alone

It's hard. It hurts like ****, and it makes you crazy. You're not alone, I feel exactly the same way as you do. The only thing you can do is let it all happen, cry a lot and cry and cry. Go to the gym, try to run and sweat it out. It takes a lot of time. It's been two months now since I got dumped and I actually feel worse than the first couple weeks, like my life is going nowhere and even though I know me and my ex shouldn't be togehter, he's all I want. They're all fases you have to go through, and sometimes it takes longer than you want. It always does, cause you just wanna be over it but you have to accept that it takes time. Meanwhile, write about it, read books how to get over it and talk to people. Hang out with friends and try to find a hobby, something that keeps you from going insane. Good luck, you're not alone, I promise.