I Can't Get Over My First Love
I was 12 years old when I first fell in love.
As soon as I tell this, I loose someone's interest. People automatically tend to blow me off and roll their eyes. I understand that completely. But what I say is the truth, as unbelievable as it is. We were 12 years old and completely devoted and in love.
For two years we were impossible to separate. He was the best friend I've ever had, never have I felt loved so much from a human being that wasn't my mother or father. He held me so high, thought I was the greatest thing in the world. And of course, I overwhelmingly felt the same. Our parents would have to force us to be apart for a day, sometimes just hours. They never understood how deeply intertwined we really were. They shook their heads and tried to figure out ways to get us to see we were just children.
But we had already lost parts of our innocence to each other. We promised to save our virginity to each other. We didn't know we were still children.
But life never stays the same and peaceful for long. And we started to realize how different we were from each other.
I was free-spirited, rebellious, honest, crazy, full of life and energy, easily impressed. I jumped in the lakes in our Michigan spring weather, I loved art and literature. I kissed and touched him in place's most kids our age didn't discover yet.
He was quiet, almost conservative, awkward, but smart and witty. He was glued to a computer screen, obsessed with some part of reality that I didn't quite understand. He spoke with honesty, depth, and always thinking. He played guitar for hours by himself.
These difference became clearer as we began to grow, change, and develop into teenagers. And it became something I resented. My body changed, I looked like I was 18 at the age of 14. He looked like a boy still. And I felt the need to break away. I went looking for an excuse to leave. An older boy showed interest, gave me some cigarettes and rum, and that's all it took. I gave this new boy my virginity. And it was over like that with my childhood best friend and lover.
His parents got divorced and he moved away. We really didn't keep in touch, and I had successfully removed him from my life. Our world that we kept so secret and so intimate came to halt all at once. I never looked back. And he never forgave me. Why I did this, I still don't know.
And then time went by so fast I could barely catch my breath before I realized another month, school semester, and years had already been put behind me.
Fast forward six years, and I am where I am today. I have been with my current boyfriend for four years, and I love him with all my heart. He was there for the insane teenage years. Getting our license, buying our first cars, making love in our backseats. My parents divorcing, his mother moving away to Kansas. Graduating high school. We moved in together when I was 17 and got our first apartment where we were so poor, with virtually nothing but us and our dogs. I grew up quick and fought hard for everything I had and cherished. He is amazing, and I want to say my soul mate, and not care if that sounds cliché. I want him to father my children, I want to marry that man. But I am in a way, still dissatisfied. I am so afraid of not loving this man as much as he deserves. I am not faithful. I fall in love very easily. I've never cheated, but I can't say I am faithful. And I am so confused and disgusted with myself that I cannot love only one person unconditionally, in the way that I want things to be.
I call my old childhood lover now once in a while, and every time I do, my blood begins to flow faster and my eyes get glassy. I feel he completes something I'm missing still. What though? And why is my current boyfriend not filling this hole inside my soul that I only realize is there when I talk to my old friend? I don't know. I can't help but confess my love for this old friend, to him, still every time we speak. And it's not fair. But it totally consumes me. I am completely still in love with him. 8 years later, I still feel completely the same.
I know it seems I want to be with my old friend, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. We never would be able to agree on things my current and boyfriend and I do, to build a healthy relationship and partnership. He would be the type of man to be in a loft in Chicago, a business man, polished life, drinking some whisky and coke every night by himself.
I would rather live on a farm any day, with some kids, with an art studio somewhere on my many acres.
I just want to be able to love him again. And everything seems to be closing in on me, my freedom slipping away. I know marriage is next, and I'm not sure I deserve a ring on my finger.
I'm not even sure I want it yet.
I just wish I met my current boyfriend years after I did. Took everything slower, enjoyed my youth. Maybe then I could really appreciate what I have, and my heart wouldn't sway so easily to my old friend.
As soon as I tell this, I loose someone's interest. People automatically tend to blow me off and roll their eyes. I understand that completely. But what I say is the truth, as unbelievable as it is. We were 12 years old and completely devoted and in love.
For two years we were impossible to separate. He was the best friend I've ever had, never have I felt loved so much from a human being that wasn't my mother or father. He held me so high, thought I was the greatest thing in the world. And of course, I overwhelmingly felt the same. Our parents would have to force us to be apart for a day, sometimes just hours. They never understood how deeply intertwined we really were. They shook their heads and tried to figure out ways to get us to see we were just children.
But we had already lost parts of our innocence to each other. We promised to save our virginity to each other. We didn't know we were still children.
But life never stays the same and peaceful for long. And we started to realize how different we were from each other.
I was free-spirited, rebellious, honest, crazy, full of life and energy, easily impressed. I jumped in the lakes in our Michigan spring weather, I loved art and literature. I kissed and touched him in place's most kids our age didn't discover yet.
He was quiet, almost conservative, awkward, but smart and witty. He was glued to a computer screen, obsessed with some part of reality that I didn't quite understand. He spoke with honesty, depth, and always thinking. He played guitar for hours by himself.
These difference became clearer as we began to grow, change, and develop into teenagers. And it became something I resented. My body changed, I looked like I was 18 at the age of 14. He looked like a boy still. And I felt the need to break away. I went looking for an excuse to leave. An older boy showed interest, gave me some cigarettes and rum, and that's all it took. I gave this new boy my virginity. And it was over like that with my childhood best friend and lover.
His parents got divorced and he moved away. We really didn't keep in touch, and I had successfully removed him from my life. Our world that we kept so secret and so intimate came to halt all at once. I never looked back. And he never forgave me. Why I did this, I still don't know.
And then time went by so fast I could barely catch my breath before I realized another month, school semester, and years had already been put behind me.
Fast forward six years, and I am where I am today. I have been with my current boyfriend for four years, and I love him with all my heart. He was there for the insane teenage years. Getting our license, buying our first cars, making love in our backseats. My parents divorcing, his mother moving away to Kansas. Graduating high school. We moved in together when I was 17 and got our first apartment where we were so poor, with virtually nothing but us and our dogs. I grew up quick and fought hard for everything I had and cherished. He is amazing, and I want to say my soul mate, and not care if that sounds cliché. I want him to father my children, I want to marry that man. But I am in a way, still dissatisfied. I am so afraid of not loving this man as much as he deserves. I am not faithful. I fall in love very easily. I've never cheated, but I can't say I am faithful. And I am so confused and disgusted with myself that I cannot love only one person unconditionally, in the way that I want things to be.
I call my old childhood lover now once in a while, and every time I do, my blood begins to flow faster and my eyes get glassy. I feel he completes something I'm missing still. What though? And why is my current boyfriend not filling this hole inside my soul that I only realize is there when I talk to my old friend? I don't know. I can't help but confess my love for this old friend, to him, still every time we speak. And it's not fair. But it totally consumes me. I am completely still in love with him. 8 years later, I still feel completely the same.
I know it seems I want to be with my old friend, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. We never would be able to agree on things my current and boyfriend and I do, to build a healthy relationship and partnership. He would be the type of man to be in a loft in Chicago, a business man, polished life, drinking some whisky and coke every night by himself.
I would rather live on a farm any day, with some kids, with an art studio somewhere on my many acres.
I just want to be able to love him again. And everything seems to be closing in on me, my freedom slipping away. I know marriage is next, and I'm not sure I deserve a ring on my finger.
I'm not even sure I want it yet.
I just wish I met my current boyfriend years after I did. Took everything slower, enjoyed my youth. Maybe then I could really appreciate what I have, and my heart wouldn't sway so easily to my old friend.
By:
deleted
Age:
26-30
