I Am Still Sad...

My Dad passed away on July 11, 2007 and I still cannot get over it.  I had worked so hard to try to keep him alive.  Losing him was my worst nightmare and it happened...  in a horrific way.  I have so many regrets about what I didn't do, didn't say.  He got a staph infection that traveled through his back and out his thigh and down his leg.  It was resisitant to antibiotics - anything.  I had to make the decision to either let him die or they would amputate his leg and the chances he would still die were too great.  After making this horrible decision by myself in the middle of the night - he lived for 9 days.  I stayed with him in the hospital waiting for him to take his last breath.  I actually prayed for it - I wanted him out of his misery and me out of mine.  I took care of my Dad for 6 years prior to this happening.  He had many health issues - but overcame them.  He had dementia as a result of a drinking binge that wracked his brain and I had to go to court to get guardianship over him.  The Dr's thought he would never be the same, but his brain repaired itself to a certain degree - but he was never the same.  I managed his life and mine.  Mixing the two...  He was so much work, but so much fun at the same time.  He was the parent I could talk to for hours.  He made me laugh, understood me, and supported me in my career choice.  Even though he was my Dad, it became a complete role reversal - soon I was the parent taking care of him and making his decisions for him - about him.  I had to take away his driver's license, truck, put him in a nursing home, buy his clothes, pay his bills, make his medical decisions.  It was exhausting and I grew tired, weary and weak.  I needed a break - I took it and because of that - he is dead.  I wish I could touch his hands, kiss his forehead, look into his blue eyes and once again hear his voice.  My heart aches and I wish he would come to me and make himself known, but I think he is angry.  Sometimes I can feel his presence, but it is not vivid enough.  I just want him to know how sorry I am and that he is so very missed. 

Livinitright Livinitright
46-50, F
9 Responses May 24, 2009

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I feel exactly same re my dad did I give up because it was so hard should I have kept him alive

" I wish I could touch his hands, kiss his forehead, look into his blue eyes and once again hear his voice. My heart aches and I wish he would come to me and make himself known, but I think he is angry. Sometimes I can feel his presence, but it is not vivid enough. I just want him to know how sorry I am and that he is so very missed. "
Exactly. I feel like you have gone into my head and written my very own thoughts.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like he was a very supportive and kind man and I'm sure he'd never be angry with you :). I hope you will feel better with time.

My Fiance died in a car wreck on July 22, 2008 and I feel as if my other half of my soul has been ripped away from me. It is not your fault what happened maybe your dad needed you to release him and let him know it was okay to go. Don't feel bad he is in a better place looking down and smiling at you. It will get better it is hard but life has to go on.

Sorry ... That's so sad How did he die?

Hi. My dad died in December. Man that is hard to say. So.....I feel you. I quit my job in April because, I felt that my job only allowed me to be distracted from the grieving (Given my life's schedule...I was only able to grieve at red lights and in the shower in the morning) Now, I am home and some days... I cry at least four times a day or shall we say...one continuous cry. I just took a trip to Puerto Rico for ten days and that REALLY REALLY REALLY helped. Looking at the water and listening to it at night was calming. I only went because my mom said that when her dad died, she went to England and that helped her. I still cry every day, I am crying now (which is both why and how I found your story)..... I don't think my dad would want me handling my life this way at all. Perhaps it would help if you thought about how your dad might feel about the way you are feeling now. If our dads truly loved us, then they wouldn't want us to fall apart. I know it feels like you have been shot and your life is dragging through the end trails so I hope all of us get through this. With Love, Michelle

.. you didn't make a decision that decided if he would live or die. you made a decision that would in your eyes be the best for him. you can't evr know what would have happened either way. you only made a decision based on the facts you were given and how you felt about him which was obviously love. easy said, harder to take on board. i don't know whats right or easiest. my dad died in feb and i couldn't do a thing about it or help or whatver. not sure whats worst, but does it matter now? everyonne says it will get better, and it does, but i don't thnk you ever fully get over it, and is that such abad thing? Just don't let it stop you doing what you want to do or living. as sad as it is, life does go on.

It is reckoned that there are four levels to grief and that one can become stuck at any of those levels. Grief of a loved one takes considerable time to overcome and at its early stages can hinder one's daily life as you have probably experienced. To grieve for your late father gives value to his life; it means that he was not just filling empty space; it gives sovereignty to his existence. It must have been very nice to have a father whom you loved dearly and I guess it would have been an honour and a privilege to care for him during his latter years.<br />
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Having to make the decision which could shorten his life is indeed a challenging moment and one from which one cannot escape and I recognise how it could continue to haunt your thoughts.<br />
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If you continue to be aware of his presence then the anger you feel that he may possess could be due to you not picking up his vibes. He may for example need your forgiveness or he may need to express his appreciation of you; something akin to the biblical saying (which is altered to suit the occasion) "This is my begotten daughter of whom I am well pleased"! Tune into those feelings of grief whenever they arise and see what immediately comes to mind then reply as if he is with you, which he probably is. He may need to express whatever emotions remain in order to move forward to the next plane; much like the Roman church's last rites. If you can do this you may feel happier and begin to move forward in your own life. It is like putting a closure to his life and the life and love which you both had and shared. <br />
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You are lucky to have had such a good relationship with your father and, in a small way, to pay him back for the care he provided when your were an infant. When the sadness of the grief is overcome you will harbour very fond memories of him.