Why?I find it ridiculous. It's been nearly 3 months since we split and I can't move on. I'm trying my best but there's something holding me down. I don't sleep anymore. I only eat because it's necessary. He's been in my dreams lately too - he's much nicer to me in my dreams than he is in real life. I still wonder sometimes how it all got reduced to this...
I even find it more stupid that even though he was a total ******* and dumped me like vomit, I don't know if I really do want to move on. I told myself that if I ever see him with another girl (which I am sure would probably happen - I severely doubt he would stay single for the entire time we are at college), I won't ever show that I'm upset. But I don't know if I ever see myself with anyone else... I can't. I was willing to make an exception for him. He wanted me to move in with him next year. He said to me that I was the girl that he wanted to make love to some day. He said to me after he broke up with me that he still cares about me. I don't even know if I can believe anything he says anymore!!
I don't even know if I love or hate him. I sometimes wish he dumped me via text message instead of in person so I could hate him more - at least things wouldn't be as screwed-up as they are now. What's even worse is I keep replaying a convo I had with a lecturer several months ago. An incident happened where she asked us in the class "Why aren't you two sitting together anymore?" and I didn't want to tell her the truth in front of the entire class (he was also in the room) so I said the first thing I could think of: "No comment." I could tell that he was really hurt by that comment but I just hope he understood that I didn't want to let everyone know the truth. Afterwards when everyone was out, I told the lecturer what really happened. She asked me if he broke up with me because of another girl. I told her no (it was the truth). She also asked me if I was in love with him and I said yes, and she said "There is hope then. I think you two are a match."
I know everything happens for a reason. I know this breakup happened for a reason. Afterall, I'm a lot braver now than I was before. I just wish I could know what would happen next... I'm so sick of clinging to false hope. I guess if it was meant to be, it would happen. I love him enough to let him go. Now I guess I should just wait and see if he returns.
lntel 18-21 4 Responses 4 Dec 11, 2011