I Can't Get Past My Husband's Infidelity
My story is no different from many others here, so I'll save you all the time and sum up the bulk of it. I would really love some perspective and guidance from others who have been here. I want my marriage to work. I want to love my husband like I once did. I want us to be better. If you have any questions to better help you to help me, please do not hesitate to ask.
2008:
- Met in mid-June...attraction was instant. We dated for a while and became intimate by the end of July.
- At the time there was a 50% chance he would be relocating abroad for a work opportunity by the end of the year.
- I myself had recently landed a great job, a great apartment etc. And was ready to stay in the city for a decent amount of time.
- Keeping the above in mind, I communicated to him that we should keep it light just in case he did end up moving across the ocean.
- I NEVER once said sex outside of the relationship was okay, and I never even dreamed that was acceptable for him or me.
- He didn't like that I asked for us to keep it light. I on the other hand didn't want to risk getting too serious if he was going to leave.
- Despite the disagreement on how serious to get, we definitely maintained a relationship and were definitely "seeing each other"
2009:
MARCH
- As it turns out in March he was relocated for work by his company, but not across the Atlantic just the Canadian border.
- At this point we had developed strong enough feelings that we decided to do the long-distance relationship.
MAY:
- My first visit to him in May, he informed me that he had contracted herpes from a woman (he swears there was no sex).
- He was in a terrible state and I acted on automatic and took care of him as best as I could. I was numb and didn't really react.
- On my return to the US, it sank in how much of a betrayal this was i.e. putting himself in a position where he could get herpes!
- Long story short, I forgave him. Researched the precautions I would have to take blah blah blah. We were back on track.
- As the months went on, the relationship (still long-distance) got much harder. I fought with him more. I was unhappy more.
- "We" had changed, We weren't as smooth and effortless as we used to be and I really came to resent that.
- I wanted us happy and back to the way we were but finding out your boyfriend has contracted an STD really changes a relationship!
OCTOBER:
- In October on another trip over the border to visit him, I discovered pictures of him and another woman on his laptop.
- I hadn't taken my laptop with me so I was using his. I'm a tech junkie so was cleaning up his computer files and found them.
- The pictures were all date-stamped and I realized that he had been with this woman from August to December 2009.
- So basically he cheated on me for four months, two months into our relationship which I fully admit wasn't set in stone.
- I confronted him, we hashed it out and blah blah blah. He maintains that since I said we should keep things light he wasn't to blame.
- I pointed out to him that I had never slept with anyone else, that he had made promises of fidelity and love to me. It was wrong.
- I told him then and there that I wanted to end the relationship. I flew back home and was dead-set on not giving into my emotions.
NOVEMBER:
- He flew back to the US and begged to see me and sort things out. I was an emotional wreck and I had missed him so.
- I stupidly agreed to see him. I cried. I yelled. I let him hug me and next thing I know we are in bed. I know right? How stupid of me.
- He's home for three days and for three days I lie to myself that all is well and that we are okay.
- He flys back to Canada and we resume our long-distance. Now everything is worse. We fight all the time. I have mood swings.
- We keep trudging along (I don't know why) and I keep resenting him more and more. But still I stay because I love him I tell myself.
- He comes home for Christmas and we spend the entire holiday together and we do our best. It's still very hard at the time. 2010 FEBRUARY
- I find out that I'm pregnant (I had zero symptoms - zero!). The baby was conceived when he came back home in November.
- It struck me that the baby was conceived in the absolute worst point of our relationship and I didn't think we were ready for a baby.
- I flew to meet him in NYC for a long weekend to figure out what the hell we would do about this baby...about us...about everything.
- After a successful but not so successful trip, I fly back to my city and I schedule an abortion. He doesn't bother to be there for me.
APRIL:
- He comes home for Easter and proposes to me. I say yes (why???). I had all these doubts in my mind but still I said yes.
- Something inside of me couldn't stomach the idea of having a big fancy wedding (it would seem like such a fraud).
- I asked for a City Hall wedding and he agreed (thinking I was being practical and wanting to save money)
- I quit my job and move over to Canada with him to start our newly married life...and it has been a hellish 7months.
DECEMBER/NOW:
- I am unhappy. I am angry. He seems so clueless and lacking in remorse. We barely speak. I hate him touching me.
- I love him but I hate him. I hate how he ruined such a good thing.
- I can't understand that after being so careful not to make him feel pressured or trapped he would still go out of his way to cheat/lie.
- The funny thing is I would have been okay if he had simply told me then "Oh I am dating other people...hope that's okay".
- I would have been 100% fine with that because I myself have been there and done that. I hate that he lied. It makes me distrust him.
- What should I do? I keep thinking I shouldn't keep this sham of a marriage going...but then I remember that I do love him.
- I want him to show some remorse but yet I don't want to punish him. I just want us to be better and I don't know how to get back to that.
- In the span of nine months (May 2009 - May 2010) I found out he got an STD, I found out he cheated and lied, I found out I was pregnant, I got an abortion, I got engaged and married, I quit my job and moved to a new city and country, I got a new job and starting a new life. It's all so much.
- Can this relationship ever heal and if so how?
2008:
- Met in mid-June...attraction was instant. We dated for a while and became intimate by the end of July.
- At the time there was a 50% chance he would be relocating abroad for a work opportunity by the end of the year.
- I myself had recently landed a great job, a great apartment etc. And was ready to stay in the city for a decent amount of time.
- Keeping the above in mind, I communicated to him that we should keep it light just in case he did end up moving across the ocean.
- I NEVER once said sex outside of the relationship was okay, and I never even dreamed that was acceptable for him or me.
- He didn't like that I asked for us to keep it light. I on the other hand didn't want to risk getting too serious if he was going to leave.
- Despite the disagreement on how serious to get, we definitely maintained a relationship and were definitely "seeing each other"
2009:
MARCH
- As it turns out in March he was relocated for work by his company, but not across the Atlantic just the Canadian border.
- At this point we had developed strong enough feelings that we decided to do the long-distance relationship.
MAY:
- My first visit to him in May, he informed me that he had contracted herpes from a woman (he swears there was no sex).
- He was in a terrible state and I acted on automatic and took care of him as best as I could. I was numb and didn't really react.
- On my return to the US, it sank in how much of a betrayal this was i.e. putting himself in a position where he could get herpes!
- Long story short, I forgave him. Researched the precautions I would have to take blah blah blah. We were back on track.
- As the months went on, the relationship (still long-distance) got much harder. I fought with him more. I was unhappy more.
- "We" had changed, We weren't as smooth and effortless as we used to be and I really came to resent that.
- I wanted us happy and back to the way we were but finding out your boyfriend has contracted an STD really changes a relationship!
OCTOBER:
- In October on another trip over the border to visit him, I discovered pictures of him and another woman on his laptop.
- I hadn't taken my laptop with me so I was using his. I'm a tech junkie so was cleaning up his computer files and found them.
- The pictures were all date-stamped and I realized that he had been with this woman from August to December 2009.
- So basically he cheated on me for four months, two months into our relationship which I fully admit wasn't set in stone.
- I confronted him, we hashed it out and blah blah blah. He maintains that since I said we should keep things light he wasn't to blame.
- I pointed out to him that I had never slept with anyone else, that he had made promises of fidelity and love to me. It was wrong.
- I told him then and there that I wanted to end the relationship. I flew back home and was dead-set on not giving into my emotions.
NOVEMBER:
- He flew back to the US and begged to see me and sort things out. I was an emotional wreck and I had missed him so.
- I stupidly agreed to see him. I cried. I yelled. I let him hug me and next thing I know we are in bed. I know right? How stupid of me.
- He's home for three days and for three days I lie to myself that all is well and that we are okay.
- He flys back to Canada and we resume our long-distance. Now everything is worse. We fight all the time. I have mood swings.
- We keep trudging along (I don't know why) and I keep resenting him more and more. But still I stay because I love him I tell myself.
- He comes home for Christmas and we spend the entire holiday together and we do our best. It's still very hard at the time. 2010 FEBRUARY
- I find out that I'm pregnant (I had zero symptoms - zero!). The baby was conceived when he came back home in November.
- It struck me that the baby was conceived in the absolute worst point of our relationship and I didn't think we were ready for a baby.
- I flew to meet him in NYC for a long weekend to figure out what the hell we would do about this baby...about us...about everything.
- After a successful but not so successful trip, I fly back to my city and I schedule an abortion. He doesn't bother to be there for me.
APRIL:
- He comes home for Easter and proposes to me. I say yes (why???). I had all these doubts in my mind but still I said yes.
- Something inside of me couldn't stomach the idea of having a big fancy wedding (it would seem like such a fraud).
- I asked for a City Hall wedding and he agreed (thinking I was being practical and wanting to save money)
- I quit my job and move over to Canada with him to start our newly married life...and it has been a hellish 7months.
DECEMBER/NOW:
- I am unhappy. I am angry. He seems so clueless and lacking in remorse. We barely speak. I hate him touching me.
- I love him but I hate him. I hate how he ruined such a good thing.
- I can't understand that after being so careful not to make him feel pressured or trapped he would still go out of his way to cheat/lie.
- The funny thing is I would have been okay if he had simply told me then "Oh I am dating other people...hope that's okay".
- I would have been 100% fine with that because I myself have been there and done that. I hate that he lied. It makes me distrust him.
- What should I do? I keep thinking I shouldn't keep this sham of a marriage going...but then I remember that I do love him.
- I want him to show some remorse but yet I don't want to punish him. I just want us to be better and I don't know how to get back to that.
- In the span of nine months (May 2009 - May 2010) I found out he got an STD, I found out he cheated and lied, I found out I was pregnant, I got an abortion, I got engaged and married, I quit my job and moved to a new city and country, I got a new job and starting a new life. It's all so much.
- Can this relationship ever heal and if so how?
By:
Krmn87
Age:
22-25
,
Female
