Different Mindset Today

So, I just shared (about a week ago) about my devastation of finding out of an affair that my husband had. He is absolutely the LAST person on the face of the earth that I thought would do that to me. He has been in my shoes - his first wife did this to him - and I don't know if he's thinking, "I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me," or WHAT the heck... but here we are. And I'm reeling, still... and its been about 3 weeks since I found out. The affair lasted about a year, and ended last summer sometime. (I discovered it through old credit card statements that he had of his own card).

I spent the first couple of weeks feeling especially depressed and angry, that he did this to our family and caused a crazy amount of pain and devastation to me and his son who is 12, and lives with us full time. I spend more time with the kiddo than he does - and over the past 6 years have become very close to him. I view him like my own kid. I do all the sports stuff with him, homework support, haircuts, talk about girls and whatnot... he comes to me with questions about his body, about feelings and about dealing with his crazy mom, who lives out of state. He's my buddy. I can't imagine living without him.

And today, for the first time, I AM imagining living without my husband, which would mean living without said kiddo. I actually started looking at jobs out of state (where I have a network of friends) and thinking about getting the heck out of here. The only real responsibility I have is to my dog. She has been with me 9 years, and it would kill her (literally) to separate from me. The kiddo is not mine, and has two perfectly functioning (well, maybe NOT so perfect) other parents that could take care of him. It just tugs at my heartstrings in the worst way to think about leaving him behind. I don't think I could actually do it. Then I am reminded of the reason I married my husband: we are amazing together. He has an amazing business mind, risk taking ability, etc., and I am the 'rock'. We just WORK. Actually, too much... we work, and that's about all we do. Everything is about our business. No vacations in last 2 years and maybe one day off a month IS NOT okay. We are talking about this in counseling, as we try to heal, but is a real issue and conjures resentment on both our parts. That's not healthy either, as we try to mend a very fragile marriage.

I know that I have options (well, sort of), and that is somewhat liberating in itself. I have people who love me and will support whatever decision I make. I feel lucky in that regard... just so broken in every other way.
lemonadegirl79 lemonadegirl79
1 Response May 28, 2013

I can't imagine what you are going through. I can't imagine what it would be like if my sexless wife had an affair ("I live in a sexless marriage" - which see). This is because she has flat out said she is not interested in lovemaking. If she were to have an affair, what I would do and what I wish I could do (and not get arrested) would be the worst mind trip imaginable. I hope you can find your answer to this situation. What anyone else says or does is there business, but it might help you to hear what other people think. However, only you can decide what will work best for you. Leave, stay, have your own affair, do nothing, forgive, murder (not recommended - LOL), divorce, separate, shut him out or have wild passionate lovemaking with him every night (so he doesn't ever want to stray again...?). Give it much thought. Consider being flexible (it is really OK to change your mind).

Saying a prayer for you.