Why Do I Feel That God Is Punishing Us?
hellos i dont know if anyone has experienced something simuliar but i thought that id share my story. feel like i am alone.... my name is sami, i am 29 and recently found out that my hubby and i cant have kids. i was a premie three months premature and i never got af until the dr put me on bc pills when i was around 17-18. anywhoos whenever the dr put me on bc pills i couldnt take them bc they gave me bad side effects (tired, moody, blacked out, etc). so i went for bloodwork the past week that my dr told me to and she said that my ov arent functioning and i have no eggs/hormones she put me on provera for few days to see if that would start it. ad it didnt took the last dosage today. i get cramps, but nothing happens. anywhoo she told me that i cant have kids. but if really wanted to my hubby and i can go to a fert. dr (endocolonogist? however u spell it) so they can do more extensive bloodwork and see what is wrong. my hubby doesnt want me to go bc he doesnt want the kid to be on drugs. i honestly thought that i never wanted kids. i didnt think id be a good mom. (cant drive, tried working but it was hard bc i am disabled so my hubby brings home the money. we dont have alot of bills. just typical house stuff, few credit cards and that is all). idk if he is just scared or idk.........anywho just done alot of thinking and just wish that i could be like everyone else. i see all of my friends have kids, have the "perfect life". and its like, why cant that be me and my hubby? why is god punishing us? i am happy for them, but i guess jealous in a way. we dont have a fancy house or car or anything like that. we dont go out to dinner unless its somewhere quick, dont go out on the weekends. i mean idk why i feel god is punishing us atleast wont get asked "when are u having kids" anymore. just stinks/hurts that whenever go to friends kids birthday partys u see nothing but my friends and their kids and my friends friends have kids and its like u are the oddball with no kids, nothing in common. idk just sucks! idk if anyone else feels like me or not. just feel such a loser, waste of space, a mistake. my mom keeps saying, god works miracles, trust in god, blah blah blah. u can adopt, its like no thanks why would i want a kid that isnt our own? plus adopting is alot more money than having a kid your own blood..... its like ya right, he is punishing me and my hubby bc we are good people. and some not all people just dont deserve kids and here they have like 1-3 kids! its not fair and i know it isn my place to judge. just idk, jused to be a christian, but i lost my faith in god.