19 Years Old And Life Already Seems Over.

It's almost cliche, ever since I was little, all I ever wanted was to be a mummy and a wife and have a family. More than anything else - i didn't have to be successful or talented or rich as long as I had that amazing experience of passing on a part of you and nourishing it with someone who wanted exactly the same as you and loved you for that.
I stopped having my periods a year ago, they just stopped and my mum was obviously really worried when i confided in her. I'm one of those people who react to illness or sickness by wanting to just get back up and be healthy again. This is probably stemmed from my huge phobia of needles and injections and coincidentally, hospitals and medical places. I didn't have a bad experience, I just couldn't even face the idea of having to have any of my boosters or the injections you have to have at school - i ripped up the letters home to my parents so my mum and dad wouldn't know i needed them..I still have one in my beside table. I'm incredibly ashamed of this part of my life, which I am still trying to conquer slowly by facing my fears.
This brings me to early in 2012 when my mum made me and paid for me to go to a private hospital to talk to a gynaecologist - she asked me why I hated needles and what part of injections made me afraid and I replied the waiting, the build up to the point where the needle enters your arm, so she asked If that was the case would I allow her to do it then and there. I completely freaked out and refused, she advised me to focus on my weight and health and hope that that would improve my lack of cycle. When i went outside of the room and told my mum, she was absolutely distraught that I didn't have the injection and cried in the car park - she was so angry and disappointed and I understand it all now. She kept telling me that everyone else must think she's an awful mother leaving this problem to (possibly) get worse over time and she drove off leaving me to drive my own car home. That was one of the worst feelings in the world as my sister and dad and everyone seemed against me too. I genuinely felt like I had nothing left and that I was a useless excuse for a person - i had no courage or bravery to do something that could potentially save my life.

Later that year I had an external ultrasound after having some therapy sessions to help me conquer my fear - which i feel hardly helped, but may have put my mind in a better place. They couldn't see anything and as I was a virgin they didn't want to do an internal ultrasound (where they would be able to see the ovaries better). The last option was a blood test - literally the worst thing i could have to be faced with in my life.

Eventually, I got so tired of the fighting and the stress in my household and I knew that if i didn't do it soon life would become unbearable. So my mum booked the test and I went to the private hospital, hoping the doctor (who i spoke to before) would do the blood test in the back of my hand with a small butterfly needle (which i requested would be the only way I could do it). Although I had numbing cream on, I felt a lot of poking and prodding around and it was genuinely awful - eventually she told me that to get the blood, they would have to do it in the arm. I protested and cried a lot but I did it and came out like the most triumphant person in the world - I had conquered everything that i was scared of! I felt like I could do anything, I wouldn't have my eyebrows waxed because I was scared of the pain - but after the blood test I did it. Little achievements like that made me feel like I was on top of the world.

Two weeks later, my world came tumbling down. Of course I was scared of the results - but everything about my predicament pointed to PCOS - Polycystic ovary syndrome - which although couldn't be treated was not a death sentence and would still potentially allow me to have children. I went into the room to see the doctor and she was happy and cheery - making me think, nothing awful must be wrong. She told me she had 'difficult news' at which point i grabbed my mum's arm and started hyperventilating - I thought i was going to die, that I had cancer or something of that dire nature. She told me the results pointed to premature ovary failure or early menopause. I saw a character in a tv series - a girl of my age get the same diagnosis so I knew exactly what it. I had no chance at ever having children - my dream was shattered.
The doctor told me a second test was needed but by this stage they could have shoved a million needles in me I didn't care, I was numb to everything. My mum kept telling me on the drive home not to worry (although it was clear she was breaking down herself), she told me there were hundreds of options - I had a sister who could be an egg donor- and modern day medicine and science was at it's best - who knows what it would be like in 10 years when I actually wanted to think about a family.

Over the next few weeks I was quite upbeat, it hadn't really hit me yet, but I had to go have another test at a local top of the art fertility clinic to see if i had any eggs at all. The answer was merely, no. Optional fertility as the doctor told me was 47.8 %, mine came back as less that 0.57 also called undetectable.

All around me I started to see every child EVERYWHERE. Everyone had a baby, everyone was getting pregnant - this must have become more obvious to me because of my news. Even the Duchess of Cambridge had just fallen pregnant - why is she any better than me I asked myself.

Christmas was really bad, although I was surrounded by people, i've never felt so alone. Material gifts didn't matter, I just wanted to be normal.

The doctor told me that although the news hadn't seem to hit me yet, it would hit soon and he told me to be prepared and go for help and comfort when i needed it.

Lately i've started to sink low, I feel disgusted with myself. I'm supposed to be a woman and although I have a woman's body, a woman's chest and I love everything that makes me seem like a 19 year old girl - make up, beauty, fashion, music etc. I feel less of a woman than ever. For me, having a child be genetically mine is half of the importance of having a child - having it be yours, having it be part of you. Everyone is telling me that there is so much more to being a mother and that genetics is a tiny detail, and i understand that. However, the fact that I, the healthy one of my sister and I, the one who always wanted children and a family, am being denied that gift in life makes me feel guilty and lost and heartbroken. I'm mourning the child that will never be mine. I'll never look into the face of a small blonde, blue eyed little girl with my laugh and my happy-go-lucky demeanour and know that I made that. Will I ever be able to accept a child that will really never be mine? It may be my husbands, but not mine. A child I look after and raise, but not mine.
I'm religious and I ask God why he's taken away my right of bearing a child - what sin am i guilty of, what did I do? When there are people in the world who murder and abuse their children, and have them just because they can - not because they want or love them. Why them, but not me?
My life already seems over, i'm crying all the time, I feel that i'll grow old and die with nothing to leave behind that's part of me. And what for my husband, if I was a wife who's husband told them they needed a ***** donor, I ask myself whether I would even want a child that wouldn't be ours. I'm scared that my future husband will not want this or get angry - and I ask is it my fault? Am I a failure as a woman? As a person? Not being able to carry on the human race?

I feel sick and wounded and when I think about taking my life it seems ridiculous! Because whoever I grow to be i'll always be that little girl scared of a tiny needle who has no courage to have a blood test that last 3 seconds, let alone take my own life.

I just need someone to talk to me, someone who understands that loss i'm feeling for someone i've never had. I've never been the one that sticks out from the crowd, I've always followed it - but now i've been separated from the rest of women and I feel belittled by having my fertility taken away from me. I feel hopeless and desperate and that sickens me.
I know eventually i'll be able to move on and look past this, but right now - i'm still a child - and i'm scared and alone and out of 10,000 of women, I'm the one that can't give the gift of life.
oliviagconroy oliviagconroy
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

sorry for hearing your story ,hope the future medical will help you out .and i heard many stories like you ,and after some medical care ,they have had their own child successfully .God bless you.

we knew at 12 years old we would never have children me do to cancer as a child and MY gf/wife from a rare birth condition when she was born

but we had each other till her death 1/14/1967 at age 19

we did try to adopt a child and 17 and we were only tuned down to our age youhad to be 21
at 17 every thing we owned was our free and clear even our home was paid of by us the day we got out of high schooli signed the ceck with my wife and her mother as it took all 3 of us to sign or amounts over 1000.00