A Life Without Children
A year ago I was told I could not have children. I remember sitting in my specialist's office, my husband beside me, I was so disappointed. I had gone through the process of IVF in the year leading up to this moment. In a way I kind of had a gut feeling that the news would be bad, I don't know how I knew, I just did. I think I sat there staring blankly out the window, my husband's hand squeezing mine. I was told that my other option was a donor egg but I declined because in my mind it would never actually be mine. My specialist asked me if I would be okay & I gave him the answer I gave everyone - Yes. I have a lot of good things in my life, a great husband, a loving & supportive family & a happy home. I could lock myself in a room & cry but what is that really going to achieve? Make myself sick? Put pressure on my marriage? I resigned myself to the fact that it simply was not meant to be.
When we left the clinic we headed to my parents house & they were anxious to hear how we went. The drive there was long & I felt myself start to unravel. I knew I would land on my feet but I had to go through this first. I have always been a strong adult, I am well educated, I am intelligent & so my reasoning usually drives me. We reached my parents house & I remember looking at the front door & wanting so much to give them good news. My Mum opened the door, understanding imediately that I had nothing good to tell her. Dad appeared & they welcomed us in. We stood there in the hall hugging & crying for the longest time, Mum telling me not to worry & that it was okay. We told them what the specialist had said about the donor egg & that we had decided not to go down that path.
My parents had never put pressure on me to have kids when it seemed everyone around us was. I got so sick of people, really. The first thing after 'Hi, how are you?' was always 'So, any kids yet?' At a time when all our friends were falling pregnant & we were going through disappointment after disappointment with IVF, not to mention the heartache & the difficulty of the process in itself - keeping a level head was hard & I started to withdraw from social outtings, preferring the quiet of my home & company of my family & my dogs for that matter. After all why would I choose to be around other women that 'pity' me because I don't have kids?
I had taken so long to make a decision about whether to have kids, that when I finally said yes I want to, we found out we couldn't. My specialist had told me that I would experience early menapause & that's why the quality of my eggs were in question. That made sense to me as I started menstruating very early in life. He also told me that if it were 10 years ago I would probably have been successful, the only thing was I didn't meet my husband until my late 20's, I was 30 when we married & we didn't want to have kids right away & I definitely was not ready for kids 10 years ago. I accept this.
Coming to terms with all this has been hard enough & I have had my ups & downs, at this point the last thing I needed was salt rubbed into the wounds. Unfortunately for me my sister-in-law is not a nice person - the short story is that she's a liar, someone who is always talking about respect but has none, she has a gutter mouth, thinks she's above it all, she's fake, money hungry, manipulating, patronising & of very little substance...I could go on but you get the idea. My husband & I told my brother & sister-in-law our news & said that we are okay & when the time comes & they get pregnant we will be very happy for them (& we meant it). A few months later D was pregnant & I was happy for them but I was also hurting.
Before I go on i'll have to explain the background here. My husband's family has a business of which I've been apart of for the last 7 years, working in the office. My brother-in-law lives in the unit above the factory & because of this there was no escaping D for me. She was constantly in my face. She is wife #3 & as nutty as #1 & #2 but on a whole new level. My brother-in-law brought her into the business against the advice of the finance professional & the wishes of his family & all kinds of drama ensued. As a result I no longer work there & i'll have absolutely nothing to do with D in any way shape or form. She has said nasty things about me, my husband, my parents & family & worst of all she has thrown it in my face that I can't have children & to me she couldn't get any lower. I have always tolerated her out of respect for my brother-in-law who is (of course) absolutely blind to her deception but I don't have to do that anymore.
I tolerated her when she got pregnant. Everytime I saw her, which was every day, there she'd be carrying on like she's 9 months along. Telling the whole world (at 5 weeks) that she was pregnant. Her belly was flat as a billiard ball table & she's standing in front of me with one hand rubbing her belly & the other on her back. Honestly! I'd ask her how she was & she would answer 'Oh I'm so tired because I'm pregnant' or 'I have to go lie down because I'm pregnant' or 'I'm just so happy because I'm pregnant.' It was academy award acting & really ******* cruel (sorry).
God has a way of levelling the playing field though I must say. She was about 6 weeks when she miscarried. I was on my way to work when my husband phoned to tell me. I had pulled off the road to take the call & when I hung up I sat in the car & cried. As much as I despised her, I never wished that for her. I had miscarried twice. The next time I saw her she began telling me 'Next time I get pregnant, because I will, I won't do anything except lay down.' (like she did anything but lie down this time). I added next time she might not want to tell the whole world either (couldn't help myself). I do not care what D will or won't go through now, I wish she wasn't like she is, I wish she was a good person - things could have been so different.
No-one but my best friend & my parents cared enough to ask me how I was doing when I was going through IVF & later when we were told we would never have kids of our own. Part of my heartbreak is that my Dad grew up in an orphanage & I can't give him a grandchild of his own blood. My parents would have made such great & loving grandparents, my husband would have been such a great Dad & of course, I think I would have been a great Mum. I can't allow myself to have these thoughts, I can't allow myself to think about the 'what if's' or the 'why us's'. No, my life is about my husband, my family & my fur babies - my 2 German Shepherds who I adore.
It's been nearly a year now since I was told I can't have children but I'm still here & sometimes I still cry but I am strong enough to accept my fate & beleive that there's a reason for everything that happens to us whether we like the outcome or not.