He's Everything I've Ever Known...

When I was in high school I was involved with this guy on and off. We had a really strong connection. I desired him mentally, physically, and emotionally. He was my everything. I don't even know how to describe it but everything about our relationship was so wrong, but felt so right. He was my first kiss. He also took my virginity. Maybe that's why I'm so attached to him emotionally. Things ended really bad between us after we had slept together. And it was my fault. I know it. Our whole relationship... it was always me chasing after him. Finally, after we slept together he began to realize I was what he really wanted. I don't know if it was spite, fear, or what but I decided he couldn't have me anymore. I messed things up. Bad. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought we needed time to grow up. I knew that if we were really meant to be, he'd still be there for me after college. I was wrong. He died in a drunk driving car accident. I haven't been able to forgive myself. I haven't been able to let go of him. I slumped into a deep depression that I never got out of. If you were to ask, I could not tell you who I am today. I have made a lot of poor decisions. I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not. My whole college experience is a blur to me and anything before high school was too long ago for me to really remember that much of. I'm stuck in time. All I can remember are my high school days. My days with him. I have so many memories with him there. It doesn't feel right that he isn't here anymore. I don't even care if we're together or not. I just need so desperately to know he's alive and well. But I know he's not. He's gone. I'll never get him back. Something is wrong with me. I can't let go. I don't want to let go. I feel like I'm still too young to deal with this. I think that's why I'm desperately holding on. I never grew out of my feelings. I never matured. And he was taken away from me. I don't know that I can ever get over him. It's already been over a year since his tragic accident and I still haven't accepted his death. Why does it still hurt so much? Will it ever stop hurting? How can I let go when I don't want to? I'm lost. I have no sense of who I really am. I just... I don't know. He's all I think about. He's all I want to think about.

bk1212 bk1212
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 7, 2009

While this is a tragic story and I have empathy for your sorrow I cannot help but think of the impossible task you have taken upon yourself. A forlorn young woman mired in the past and wasting precious time reaching back for something that will never be again. You were very Young when you met and the decision you made at that time was the correct one for that time. We all make decisions in our lives some are good and some are bad but in order to survive after making them we must move on without looking back.<br />
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Te old clich├ęs, "Let the dead bury the dead" and "Life is for the living " was never more true in your case.<br />
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No one is telling you not to grieve but begin to make plans to go on with your life. It would be a shame to have another life wasted, Yours through guilt and self flagellation and his through a drunken driving incident, both which seem to me a bit irresponsible.

a year is a short time..maybe the reason you're holding on so tightly is because u blame yourself..u feel he went before u could resolve or rekindle what u had(love transcends all spheres)...the only question u need to ask yourself is..if he really loved u the way u so evidently love him..would he want u to still be stuck in this time fr<x>ame..or move on to better things?<br />
its not what happens to u..its how u react to it...