Just Not The Same

It's been a little over 2 months now, I tried suicide for the second time. I haven't written about it cause till this day I'm still embarrassed about it. Thoughts of death are with me constantly these days and so it's triggered memories I don't even want to remember. What I'm mostly not wanting to remember is having these feelings that looking back were so stupid. I acted on impulse to kill myself but not like the reasons I have today. To be honest, I'm more at peace with myself now than I think I have been for a long time. Two months my heart was yearning for love I had been craving in my marriage. Crazy how you can lie to yourself making if feel as though it's right. All I did was damage myself more. Again, it was a cry for help and a subconcious effort for wanting to die. My theory still favors taking sleeping pills, or pills that will knock you out. I remember feeling so hurt I wanted to make myself suffer in dying, so I took a plastic bag and duck taped the bottom around my neck, tight. I wanted to re-inact the pain I was feeling through my soul. Life had  tightened it's pain around my heart and slowly sucking it dry. 
My face was getting sweaty and hot. I wanted to cry but pills kicked in quick so I was unemotional. Only moments had passed though. Earlier I shoved  my dog out cause believe it or not I couldnt even face him.  I did the same thing, the first time I tried commiting suicide. Many people swear that animals sense things before humans do. He scratched and scratched the door, so my daughter was going to let him in and well,, yeah,, I'm still struggling with that guilt. I'm a disappointment of a mother now, but I wasnt always like this.
My daughter is going to have a hard life,, I see it. She's a chip off the ol block which really is sad.
I havent told many people especially the therapist,, but maybe you can understand how I feel with this explanation. . Most of us have been on diets,, or some kind of food restriction, maybe just to be healthier or maybe medical reasons. Now, this is something new to your body and it will take time and patience.
Days go by, you're doing good, a week, and almost two weeks go by when you get that craving for whatever weakness you have. I'll say chips. One day you just loose it and grab the bag, tearing eat, shoving chips faster than you can chew. Wow,, you're shocked. Then you clean up the crumbs feeling sad and guilty. Trying to find ways to control yourself you use different methods. Maybe not buying chips, or hiding them behind things so they are out of sight. Weekend comes around and you go to a BBQ at friends.. OMG.. theres the huge crystal bowl of chips.. you turn. No use,, someone walks up to you with a plate full of chips, smile innocently and ask "would you like some"? It wasnt their fault but you couldnt eat just one. . Now,, death is like chips to me.. I tried it once, said I wasnt again. The second time I was doing it as a quick fix. My thoughts of death will continue in mind. I have no will power. Yes, people it's a total cop out. But I don't care.. I don't walk in your shoes just as you don't walk in mine. This time needs to be the last.  
Calif39 Calif39
36-40, F
May 6, 2012