I Think This Is Goodbye

I'm a little heartbroken today as realization sets in.
I asked him to let me go. Told him I wasn't strong enough to do it. I had tried to delete him many times but just couldn't. I asked him if he knew how much loving him was affecting my life now and he said "sadly yes".  We talked for hours, never really resolving anything. Just more of me pouring my heart out. I had to lie down, the conversation had drained me. He came back online that night. We chatted about nothing and played some cribbage. It was like always, as if the earlier conversation never happened. We finished a few games and I haven't seen him online since and thats not like him so I'm wondering if he deleted me. After 26 years its hard to let him go. I know I asked him to but I had asked him many times and he couldn't do it. So why now?
I'm sitting here fighting the urge to call him or email him to ask him if this is really the end. I just wish he would have given me some warning, just told me that he was giving me space, anything. But now I sit here and wonder is this really the end? Will he show up next week? Next month? I know he's not gone forever, at least I hope not. We have never been able to stay apart for more than 6 months or so. I'm just having a hard time accepting that this could really be the end. I just want to cry. I fight back the tears because it would just be too hard to explain them to the wonderful man sitting here beside me who has loved me and supported me through all my madness. 
mom2kman mom2kman
41-45, F
1 Response Mar 26, 2012

I'm so sorry! I know how you feel.....<br />
I had to come to terms with the fact that a relationship with the man I am in lvoe with will never work and it is so hard to let him go but I hate not talking to him. We talk as friends but I know the only reason he talks to me at all is cuz he thinks I'll change my mind and eventually I'll have to stop communicating at all but I know I can't handle the relationship we had cuz for all the good things there were major issues he refused to work on.

Thanks.. I know its for the best...but right now I can't even think about it. If I think too much I will be calling him just to see if this is really it...Just keeping the cycle going...*sigh*

Be strong and hang in there....