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But I Have To. Help!

I split with the love of my life 13 years ago but I haven't ever got over it.  I married someone else, but it didn't last. I had no contact with him for 8 years but we got back in touch 5 years ago.  That was when I really knew he was the one I should have been with.  It always felt like unfinished business, like one day we'd be back together.  Circumstances have meant that this hasn't happened.

He's been with someone else for two years and I'm ashamed to say I've been waiting for them to split up. I promised myself that if I ever got another chance I would grab it.  I've messed up a couple of chances because I was too scared to tell him how I really felt.

Today he told me that he's engaged.  I'm devastated.  Now I really need to let him go but I don't know how.  My heart can't take it.  The worst part is I've agreed to meet him for coffee on Friday.  We don't meet up often and I haven't been face to face with him for over 2 years.  Maybe seeing him will make me realise I've built him up into something he's not and it will help.  But maybe he is the man I think he is and I'll have to accept he'll never be mine.  Help!

dollywolly dollywolly 31-35, F 4 Responses May 26, 2009

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Hey everyone, im new here. I have a major issue with hanging on too long as well. Dunno why, i know i cant go back. My ex and i split 8 months ago now, after 8 years together. The thing that makes it hard is that we were also together and engaged when i was 19 and he was 25. We split back then over something stupid and i went and met someone else, moved to another country and was with him for 8 years but always thought of my first love. When me and the other man split i moved back to australia and within a year we had accidently met at a shopping center, fell in love all over again, had a child and he became dad to my other 3 children who were very young at the time. They all called him dad. <br />
I told him to leave after many years of little white lies from him, after i had an emotional affair, which i told him all about from the beginning and after i found out the truth via a drug test i did without his knowledge....he has used crystal meth for the last 2 years, blames it on me and what i put him through, but we both know that he used it recreationally for the whole time we were together, i just didnt see it, now he uses almost every day. I think i made it easy for him by asking him to leave, he now can do whatever he pleases without being "told off by a cow" as he puts it. He says he doesnt wanna come back till i can control my anger and treat him with respect. He says he loves me, keeps track of what i am up to, and only calls when he feels like it, he never calls to see the kids, and has only ever taken them out to maccas once in the whole time he has been gone. We tried councilling but he hated the lasy we were seeing, that lasted 2 weeks. He still wont admit that he is an addict. He wrote off his car last week and almost killed himself, he burned his hand badly the week before that, he is a lost cause. Before he left i found out that we are 14000 dollars behind in the rent, yes...thats not a typo, 14,000...he used to work away alot and would spend thousands on the pokies. I hae had a man come to my house twice threatening to kill him and once left a threat to me and the kids on our front door. But...i still love the man, everything i do reminds me of the good times, because i feel so connected to him, and i know he loves me, hes just a selfiish *****....i am definitely insane.....

Hey there. Well I did it. We had coffee and it was lovely. I didn't crumble into a blubbering mess, I didn't tell him I love him or that his engagement is doomed. Although I wanted to. We chatted like the grown ups that we are, it was like old times. I'm not as devastated as I thought I would be and I'm willing to believe that it's because I'm getting over him. I think I'm moving on!! Yay!! <br />
<br />
P.S. His engagement is doomed because of their weird relationship, not because he's meant to be with me. Although that doesn't help. Lol.

Thanks. I'll let you know what happens on friday. If he was single I would tell him how I feel straight away, but I just couldn't do that when he's got a fiance, it would be unfair to her. He would be mortified if I did. I'll just have to let everything run it's course. Fingers crossed I'll see him and feel nothing!

I'm really sorry for you. I can tell you how I got over my love. 1. I had to flat out ASK him - do you love me?? I did this because for me, there was NO way for me to move on if he did. Or if he wanted a life with me, etc. <br />
2. I needed space - no phones, text, emails, etc. I had to. I was turning everything into what ifs?? <br />
If he is truly in love, and getting married to his love, you need to let go. You owe him that. Sometimes it's not the LOVE per se that we feel, it's the romanticism that is built around the love we percieve in possible mates. I bulit my lover up to be a white night, on a pedestal that could do NO wrong. Wouldn't call for a day - that's ok, I can still sit by the phone...no emails?? I would silently rage, but never let him know it. It is hard to do this - but you can do it. Good luck - please keep us posted so we know how this ends!!! =)