I remember last night lying on the sofa thinking about him. The music channels were playing and I couldn't help but listen to all those mushy gushy love songs, which made me feel worse might I add! I was logged onto Facebook, reading through old messages and laughing and remembering old times. I began to think about him, think about all that had happened, all that was said and done and how we got to this point. I began to cry. I hadn't cried in a long time until now. I began to realise that I made a mistake but deciding to remind myself of the past. But that's my biggest problem. No matter how hard it is, I can't let go. I can't move on.

Losing him is one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. Sure, I've dealt with other stuff that is worse but to me, this by far the hardest. He has shaped my life in so many ways. Loving him has made me the person I am today, in some good ways and some bad. He's made me happy, he's made me sad, mostly he's made me angry. Despite all that, I still love him. There's something about him that keeps drawing me in. He's like my drug and I need to keep taking it in order to survive. I've fallen for him so much and all I have are memories to keep me on balance.

I was 14 when I met him online. I remember every detail. We met 5 years ago on the 9th March 2009. I remember out first conversation, the way he made me laugh like I never did before. I spoke to him until the early hours of the morning. It was from then on, that I was hooked. It took me a year on into the friendship that I admitted to myself I felt more. But looking back now, the first night I met him, was the first night I fell in love for the first time. It was the night that was about to change my life forever.

The last five years has been a rollacoaster. We've had our up moments and also our down. He was my best friend. I told him everything, he knew me, my thoughts, my fears, my dreams. Likewise, I knew him. He always said I knew him better than he knew himself. He always had that flirty side to him, telling me how beautiful and amazing I was. He always called me his best friend and couldn't imagine life without me. We both always told each other we loved each other, but somehow, never knew if the other was being serious. It was just something we did! Looking back now it confuses me a lot. We always had our pet names for one another, we spoke about the future, we said the 'L' word, we thought about each other day after day and spoke until all hours in the morning. Still, we never ended up getting together. He said he has commitment issues. We were best friends with a strong bond and it was too strong to break. I secretly hoped one day, things would change so I waited and waited. Nothing happened so I tried to move on from him. I started a relationship with my first serious boyfriend and this was when things started to change.

During my relationship, this was when the truth came out. He told me everything, how much he loved me, that he was so angry with himself for letting me go, how confused he was but he said he would wait for me just as I did for him. I loved my boyfriend, he was everything I needed at the time. Of course, my friend being my first love, there was still something there. But I didn't wanna wait for him anymore so I told him to move on. I loved my boyfriend and I wasn't going to ruin my relationship over him.

It wasn't always perfect with my best friend. Yeah, I loved him so much but there was times when I hated him. I don't hate anyone, hate is a very strong word for me. But sometimes, he would make my blood boil. He had this tendency to go away and come back after a certain time. I wouldn't hear from him, never a text or a call. Then he would come back like nothing happened. I got so angry with him at times but he put on the 'act' of the guy I fell in love with, and I fell for it time and time again. I always asked myself why he kept coming back and it's only now I realise is because I let him. When we spoke, I felt so happy. I loved life and everything about it. He was my happy drug, I guess you could call it. When we didn't speak I couldn't wait for the day to end. Everything was a blur to me. I wanted that happy feeling. Despite him constantly leaving, I longed for him and for that feeling of love and happiness so I continued to let him mess up my bed in the hope that somehow he would change after numerous promises. Love makes us do crazy things right? As well as the disappearing, he would also treat me differently in front of his friends. He would jeer me and ignore me and make me feel completely worthless. I cried myself to sleep and kept telling myself I was better off without him. Then he would come back, and that familiar feeling of longing came back. I just couldn't let it go.

My relationship ended after a year. At the time, my friend was texting another girl and something was beginning to come of it. Single, this was his opportunity to tell me how he felt again. We spoke for the first time ever of our past. He told me everything, how he always thought about me 24/7, songs he always listened to, how he scribbled he loved me at the back of his notebook and movies that reminded him of us. I did likewise. He told me I was his first love, how special I was to him and how he didn't know what he'd do if he ever lost me. He told me he'd never love another girl the way he loved me. At that point, he began to have feelings for the other girl but he said if he ever had to choose between us, he'd choose me everytime. He even said he'd never love her like he loved me. He told me how much he regretted not taking me when he had the chance and how he felt like a fool. I had just come out of my relationship and I didn't want to start over with another one. It wasn't fair on my ex and it wasn't fair on the other girl either. I couldn't do it, I couldn't tell him I loved him. So I told him to not make the same mistake again. We spoke again on the closeness of our relationship and decided to remain friends. The other girl became his girlfriend, two days after we had this conversation.

We remained friends during his relationship. It was hard for me but I kept my feelings to myself. During the first few months of his relationship, he kept hinting of his feelings for me. He always told me how amazing I was. Sometimes he even brought up about us and told me he never wanted to lose me over a relationship again. I then put a stop to all this. I told him it wasn't fair on his girlfriend and he knew I was right. Sometimes he had problems with her and me being the good friend, I gave him advice even though I wanted to scream at him 'stop lying, it's me you want to be with.' He told me she didn't trust him but didn't explain why. He then did the disappearing act, only sending me wishes on Christmas and New Years. I had enough of his disappearing so I put up a Facebook status that this was going to be a new year where I wasn't going to be waiting around for no one, and believing things that weren't true. He text me and told me he was sorry, that his girlfriend didn't like him talking to me and he would 'try' and stay in contact. I even found out that all he things he had been saying to me in the last 5 years, he had been saying to her too. I had enough. On New Years Day 2013, I ended all contact. He got in contact in April to try and become friends again but said his girlfriend still didn't want us being friends. I deleted his number, his Facebook, everything. We haven't been friends for a year and it's been such a tough year to get through.

All this has affected me in many ways. I have trust issues, I can't believe anything anyone says because I'm afraid they are only saying what I want to hear. I'm afraid to get close to people incase one day, they get up and leave. I haven't been a relationship in two years, because I don't want to get hurt again. After everything that's happened, I still love him. I don't know why. I get so angry at myself and convince myself I can do better and I will find better. I've had chances with guys, but I immediately pull back when we get too close. I've rejected two relationships since all this has happened. Sometimes I feel so alone and I can't help but blame him. When I meet a new guy, I compare him. I know it's unfair but I can't help it. I want to feel that happiness I once felt before and so far I haven't found it. He's been with his girlfriend a year and a half now even after everything. I just feel so used, especially all the things he said while he was with her in the beginning. I feel betrayed, isolated, alone, sometimes even depressed. I put my trust in my best friend and he broke it. He left me broken and damaged. It's been a year and the feeling of numbness is still there. He was my first love and only love. I fell in love with those feelings of happiness and longing. Everything I do reminds me of him. I want to move on but I can't. It doesn't matter what I do. He broke my heart. He has one half while I'm holding on to the other. I'm tired of crying and hoping. I'm taking it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I will move on, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.
nadine17 nadine17
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 5, 2014

Wow that is terrible. I had an ex who did something similar. Its been 7 months since we broke up and its killing me.

People tell me "You need to be happy with yourself". I've never been happy with myself. Its not that I hate myself or anything I just am not good at saying what other do to my self and having it have the same effect.

Im like you, I need that happy feeling that comes from being with someone else. I found a new guy recently, he made me almost too happy and that scared him off.

Due to my isolation because of depression and anxiety I get clingy when someone pays that certain attention to me. Im contradicting though. I don't trust the person. I dont believe that they will stay and I dont believe that im the only girl in their life. I dont even believe that they want to date me.

I have never been through such a hard break up before. I've never lost someone I loved so much.

I am sorry that all of this happened to you. What im doing right now is just trying to let go of the past and when something reminds me of him I push it out of my mind. I dont dwell on it. What I also learned is forgiving someone else is the easiest thing to do, but forgiving yourself is incredibly hard. It sounds as if thats what you need to do. Learn how to forgive yourself for all those times you took him back, for crying over him for the past year, for giving up some good guys because you can't trust. He might have had an incredible impact on your and screwed you up but YOU are the only person who can fix whatever it is you are going through. Dwelling on him and the past does not help get over someone and you don't just wake up and all of the sudden not feel something for that person, you have to work on it. You will never get over him if you don't A) forgive yourself and B) push thoughts of him out of your mind.

What what little will power you have.

I am in tears because I am in same situation. I'm older than you but the pain is the same. It's been 9 months since she ripped my heart out. I can't seem to go on. Some days I feel like I don't wanna live. Please feel free to message me. Maybe we can help each other.

That's a great story . You was very dedicated to him. Things will get better:)

I hope so :)