Making a Risky Decision

i have made a doctor's appointment with my family doctor (who i love) for my daughter on May 30th. not that she has had much interaction with him, but i have had much and he's very compassionate and very wise, so i'm hoping even if she doesn't want to talk, maybe she can just sit and listen and he might just say something that she'll hear. she's been pretty happy the last few days and we've had some laughs, but thats happened before and she was cutting. i don't want to tell her yet about the appointment because i don't know how she will react. i want to keep things smooth, so i'm trying not to tell her till maybe the day before, i don't know if thats the right thing to do or not...
prettyinpink prettyinpink
46-50, F
2 Responses May 23, 2007

if all else fails ... UGH! ... you could do something like this; perhaps you could call the doc's office and tell them altho the appt is for your daughter, you will be bringing her under the pretense that it is YOUR appt and see if they will play along - tell them your fears that she won't attend if you tell her about it, etc. then you talk to the doc like it's your appointment and maybe one of his questions you could answer and include your daughter in it, then let him take over asking her questions. or something along the lines of ..., "doctor, i'm here today because i've read that depression and anxiety are possibly passed through the gene pool to our children and their children, etc. i was hoping, since you've worked with me so long, that you could either dispell this myth or help us understand it." let him answer and then go on with something along these lines, "iask this today out of concern for *daughter's name*. it seems that my she might be suffering as well, however, i believe it's materializing in a different form." he should talk about it a bit, then he'll ask your daughter about the form in which her problems are manifesting. she may be unwilling to admit to it. but at that point the doc would take over with her. well ... it's a thought anyway .... but i'd really try to sit her down and talk with her about it all that way she does not perceive that you are misleading her and become distrustful of you in the future. all my best to you.

i realize you have a hard time showing emotion of the love kind to people you are close to (your kids, mom, dad, etc.) but is there any possibility of sitting your daughter down and saying, "when i was married to *his name - exhusband #2*, you know ... that was bad and not just for me. there were things that you and your brother witnessed and suffered that i wish you hadn't. recently i discovered that *his name* actually got violent with you physically. could you tell me what happened?" let her talk if she will. when it winds down or if she's got nothing to say about it really, then move forward and tell her, "i know this may seem very awkward and embarrassing but i need to know. while *his name* was here, did he do ANYthing else to you or make you do things you didn't feel comfortable doing that wouldn't have been appropriate for a stepfather/stepdaughter type relationship?" give her a moment to answer and then if she does not proceed with, "this is very important and i know you might feel uncomfortable answering this question but i really need to know if anything happened." make sure to place your hand on hers or some kind of compassion touch to help her along. act toward her how you would've wanted your mom to act toward you in this case. make sure to hug her after the conversation, regardless of the outcome. now ... if this conversation seems to go well at all, i think i would tell her that i'd made a doctor appt for such and such time and day and that i wanted her to go with me. i certainly would try with all my might not to lie to her about it or withhold it if you can help it because you want to give her the sense that she can trust you. ... p.i.p. i had a good friend once upon a time who cut. i ended up doing hours upon hours of research on self mutilaters. i recall an extremely high percentage of them suffered some sort of traumatic sexual encounter early in life. the fact that your daughter is doing this, coupled with your recent findings of physical violence from her stepdad and you thinking it could be possible he did more damage of a sexual nature ... well it all adds up to me. it sounds textbook. i don't aim to scare you. but if you read up on it at all, you too will see what i do. perhaps it would be good to prepare yourself first that way any forthcoming answers would be less likely to cause you more anxiety than you already have.