First Attempt

I find myself in a predicament.  One I have no clue how to settle.  Here is the crux of my problem.  In the past, I have always relied on EP as a place to write my innermost feelings...the place to say what I think, and tell the absolute truth.  I met my fiance on this site over a year ago, and after a long separation, we reconnected.  We more than reconnected....we now live together, in real life, both having left our long time spouses for each other.  We've been together for five months now..five months and one day.  Yesterday was our five month anniversary...and he said nada.  I even counted it up, in front of him, as part of a conversation about something else...still...nothing.  You may think that this is very picky of me, indeed...or you may say "why didn't YOU say something?"  Well, normally, I think you'd be right....it IS a rather small thing.....in normal circumstances.  These are NOT normal circumstances. 

There is much that has happened between us in the last five months...but especially in the last month.  I want to write all about the happenings between us...to tell all....to all.  But....we are trying to rebuild our relationship now.  I hesitate to smear him here...or anywhere, for that matter.  I don't want to ruin him, get even or make him feel guilty.   I want my fiance back!!  But that doesn't help get this **** out...I feel like EP has been taken from me as a place to let it out, and get the support I need.  A few of my closest friends know the story, but I keep the details to myself, as it concerns the population in general.  This is soooo driving me bananas!!  I don't wanna hurt him by posting stuff here, and I don't wanna confront him with ALL my venom, AND I don't wanna keep it all bottled up inside!!  You see my problem, no? 

This is the first piece of any substance, I've written in a good while.  It feels as if I'm losing my touch.  The words flee from me instead of lining up and begging to be used, as they once did.  I'm not even sure this is really a story...or just incoherent ramblings.  I am so mixed up...so distrusting, both of me and of him.  I mistrust my decision making ability, my feelings, my worth.....and my sanity.  I want to scream and yell and write nasty posts saying "Look what he did to me!!!" , in front of the whole site...every detail there for all to see.  But.....there are others involved...and I don't want to denigrate him in front of his friends. 

I should not be held blameless in what has transpired between us.  I own my share of the blame.  I know I'm not an easy girl to love...and told him as much before we moved in together, I only wish he had believed me.  I am demanding, stubborn, moody and sensitive.  It does, indeed, take a strong man with a lot of love and will power, to make a go of a relationship with me.  But in addition to all those things, I love with all my heart, give with all my soul, and gladly put my love above all else. 

These sketchy details don't seem to even convey half the passion I have for this topic...I"m afraid to say too much, and therefore, wind up saying too little.  So...this was my first attempt at writing again....I hope it gets easier.... 
lonesurvivor lonesurvivor
56-60, F
8 Responses Aug 3, 2010

Indeed, rtf...I have shattered....a few times since then. But it wasn't because of my reticence to write...I wound up telling a great many details in other stories. It was because I chose to allow him to continue to use me and treat me as shabbily as he always did.<br />
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Thank you for your comment. It is, indeed, important to get things out...though I'm sure AT would disagree...

Survivor as unselfish your response is, It is unhealthy to hold in what you harbor inside. Its not fair to you because you have not moved a step forward and in order to do that you have t live up to that name of yours. So its up to you to decide what best course of action to take. The easy way and keep it in or the hard way and move on. I think there are a lot who agree with me when I say you keep that all bottled up too long, glass will not be the only ting to shatter

Thank you for the advice, IT...I will try if after a while..so far, this is all that's on my mind.<br />
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Penny<br />
xoxoxoxo

Thanks for the encouragement...I need it!!<br />
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xoxo

Keep trying Sxdup, you write really well and the process can be cathargic.

Thank you, Jerrica!!!!!<br />
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xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

that must be one of the downsides to sharing ep with your significant other; not feeling like you can fully express yourself in complete anonymity. evernight is right in saying that talking to friends one on one privately might be a good idea. or even writing things down in a journal or your private blog might be helpful too.

Thanks, Ever...you ARE one of those friends, you know. I hate burdening you with all you already have on your plate..<br />
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Love you, girlie!!<br />
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xoxoxoxo