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The Avatar Fits What I Feel About This Subject

(The avatar currently displayed is a picture of someone squeezing their fingers with a sun in the background.  For any Monty Python fans, it's like when they were fighting by 'squeezing someone's head' in that skit.  Hopefully that's clear enough, I only explain what I'm seeing now in case it ever changes.)

It's like I'm standing on the ground, looking at something that is so very obvious, and not concealed in any shape or form, burning brightly, and yet, I still seem to be so far from being able to grasp it.  Really, right now, life is going pretty well for me.  I've just been rescued from a depressingly hopeless situtation where I didn't seem to have the means to make ends meet.   Divorce.  Shock.  No friends.  Shock.  New job.  New faith, forged in the heat of denial ( I will deny that feelings that I cannot accept Christ as my savior.  I will try to imagine what a life believing in Christ will be like. )  It's rocky, but I struggle, none the less, at this point, to struggle and see what I can reap from the struggle.

I believe in struggle.  I didn't used to.  But I discovered that I was able to keep something of the effort of what I struggled against.  Somehow the struggle itself makes it easier to resist what I struggle against naturally and permanently.

So right now I'm struggling with something that just seems to continually slip out of my grasp.  Some symptoms of it is this nasty cycle of staying-up-too-late knowing-that-I-have-to-get-up-early ( or burning the candles at both end ), I'm not sure why... punishment?  dulling emotions?  ( though I know that lack of sleep INTENSIFIES such emotions, it doesn't dull them. )  Right now I'm playing a dangerous game at work.  I feel like I'm barely getting by.  This is not the time to be 'barely getting by', but my boss and coworkers seem to have accepted me for whatever I am.  Again, I just don't seem to have the will to push through the transparent barrier...

I'm struggling with this thing, and I'm starting to worry that I may never be able to beat it.

zenandi zenandi 31-35, M Dec 14, 2008

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