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What Am I Doing?

It never ceases to amaze me when I start looking at my life and wondering how I got to this point and wondering what the hell I'm doing.

Laying here, trying to will myself into the cold morning air to perpetually embark on the endless journey of taking 2 steps back for every one step forward.

I think and think and think but the thinking never translates into doing.

I feel like I am drowning. I am slowly slipping further under the surface of the sea of self loathing that I swim incessantly in. I am looking around at all these people who are offering to help me and I just stand still and stare at them like a frightened animal. 

I don't know where I am going.

I have no clue where to start. I don't know what is important to me. I feel like the empty shell of a human.

I have spent so long living a chaotic, crazy, bipolar, borderline life and the thought of a normal life actually seems appalling and horrifying to me. How ****** up is that?? I am more scared of the normalcy than of the craziness.

I am scared to lose my crazy. I am scared to lose my drugs. I am scared to lose my dealing business because its the only thing I know how to do.

I feel like I'm slowly being torn down, like I have been set aflame but that I am slowly smoldering out.

I feel it tearing at the inside of me, the depression. God I'm scared of the mania, but the depression ******* hurts.

Now I'm just rambling off the topic...

I can't seem to get a hold of anything.

interplanetaryenvy interplanetaryenvy 22-25, F 4 Responses Oct 6, 2009

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Hey there,<br />
<br />
I found this post poignant and it's because so many of your points resonated with experiences in my own life. The points about not knowing what's important to you, not being able to accept the help in front of you, and fear of losing the mania because at this point, that's the only thing you have. No doubt we've had different experiences but those words meant something to you and they mean something to me. I spent so long trying to figure out what's important to me because how else will I know how to act externally if I can't figure out the internal stuff? <br />
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There's something to be said for just going through the motions of what you think you should be doing. Just step out for a cup of coffee. Or something else that seems appropriate for the person you want to be. The fact that you're uncomfortable with yourself is a sign in itself that you do have priorities and aspirations even if you can't quite articulate those yet. For me, every day I'd go out for a cup of coffee on my own. Eventually, I was able to make one decision at a time from there. It takes time. But time can be on your side, if you let it. <br />
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Good luck. I wish you well.

I've been worrying too. The revolutions around the world never stop. Tyranny has become the trend, and it pays well. There we are, so little in fact. We people. I picture us in the fields, wearing raggedy cloths, hair in strings, dusty faces and sad eyes - slaves. I see me in a factory parking lot, in a nondesc<x>ript colorless dress, way too big, preparing for a day at the sewing machine when all I can do is think of how hungry I am and how I just want to disappear. <br />
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No one believes me. I tell them, you have to understand, I am a Canadian in love with America, and I have your back. I am trying to warm them that anti-Americanism will come with a vengence. I say, I have travelled, I am a person who people talk to because I just am, and the constant is a dislike of Americans. Oh, the stories of the wonderful things done do exist but they are far outweighed by the death and destruction in America's path.<br />
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You must tell everyone. You must say: Let's come together and regain our country, or we will not have one anymore. Try to imagine, you have a nationality of people are telling you how you live, where you buy, what your future will be. That is called being owned, we all know that. I'm here to tell you America is owned by the Chinese government and I believe the reason why is a nation's people are a source of labor - unless they are unhealthy, in which case, we have a different scenario. And it's not disability. You earn your keep in this new world.<br />
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The young men will have all gone to a war and died or were terribly injured, exposed to toxic material and suffering the side effects. It's a distinction of the American middle class in the making. <br />
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I had breast cancer 5 years ago in December. Did the therapy, it was relatively early and no nodal involvement. I returned every year for follow up. The routine exam included a tumor marker blood level and a CT PET scan, MRI of breasts..mammogram and ultrasound rotating each year between them. <br />
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Last year, I returned to the oncologist and he asked me, "What can I do for you?" I told him I wanted a workup to rule out metastasis, if metastasis is present, to stage it and I will begin therapy (response is determined by size growth or shrinkage of any tumor or lesion via various different chemotherapy regimens). <br />
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He looked at me and said. "We have determined that it is unnecessary to do tumor markers or PET CTs; the results showing a metastasis present and the subsequent therapy do not make a difference in the time line from diagnosis to death. <br />
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I said to myself: "Self, you have been working in medicine for 35 years now, been typing medical records as a matter of fact, and you have never, EVER heard a physician say that. <br />
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This is called euthanasia.<br />
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Times are changing, people. You are watching way too much mindless TV. And while you sit there and snack, cheering on your TV hero, the country has been taken over by owners of giant factories, self-appointed to decide how you live. Elections are rigged. The man the corporation wants will have to win. Assassination will be returning.<br />
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Maybe you should cry for help. Maybe you don't have anyone to cry for help to. America so alone now. Even while I see you come together and try to put an end to this, I worry it will be destroyed by the media publicity being pumped into the heads of people who do not think for themselves. I see cops lined up in firing squad like stances, faces void of ex<x>pression, eyes that look straight ahead, and I see their chests heaving in anticipation of the moment they have all be waiting for.<br />
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Supply of people is at an all time high. Demand is low. This sounds offensive, I know. But to CEOs of factories, that is what they see.<br />
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I go into forums and tell everyone what I think. So many don't see it.<br />
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Advertisements are everywhere. Suze Orman tells us not to go to college, to find a place in this new economy and make it work for you. I watched a family of 4 talk of receiving help for Thanksgiving through donations for a turkey and trimmings. The segment was done by a TV news anchor who thinks she is a movie star now, being paid like one, and thinks her opinion should matter. The woman is overweight. Camera crew gets a shot of their open refridgerator and it is not empty. Their house is reasonably nice. The news anchor smiles slyly at the end of the segment. Hunger...you think you know hunger? Show me skin and bones, then I will listen I hear her think. Babies born in Uganda preceded this story, if they make it through childbirth, it's a miracle.<br />
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That is why I worry about America. Unearned arrogance, which was used to describe a lawyer defending a woman we all knew murdered her little girl. That is what I believe Americans are interpreted as being. Until you go to another country, you do not know what to compare it to, the feel of the air in each country differs. Canada's used to be calm; I have not been there in several years. U.S. is filled with anxiety which reflects the state of affairs. It's apparent to me but maybe not others so easily. Ten years ago, as credit was extended to me with poor credit, I knew something was up. I could refinance my home and pull out the new 200,000 of equity in it if I choose. Just sign here.<br />
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It was a set up. Medical marijuana now available for a few years has been determined to be against the law by federal officials. Busts were immediate. Names and addresses readily available thanks to medical marijuana doctor's filing cabinets seized in the raids. A man and his father got carried away and sold too much to anyone at all and are facing life in prison. Anyone without cancer or a muscular disorder will be branded a drug user. We have the documents is what they'll say. No job for you.<br />
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It's the children I worry about the most. So much life left to live and they'll be at the mercy of hostile strangers. 14 trillion dollar loan which will never be paid. War or the nation, which will it be? Real estate and the people on it or not, go away, this is ours. But where? the next state where they will say the same? Canada? Political refugees? Mexico? I think there will be criteria to meet. It's detention centers for you; we'll figure out something, in the meantime, give me your things and put this on. You are now a prisoner.<br />
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What Am I doing? Supporty #ows in every way I can. Spreading the message - This nation will fall into foreign hands if you give them the chance. Resources will feed their people. I don't care if the Main Stream Media says there have been record crops this year. How can that be? Entire continents have been under water. An entire state burned all summer. Tornadoes ripped through entire villages, leaving the structures in complete ruin, one after the other. Drought in China, flooding in Australia, fires in Russia, there is someone lying to us.<br />
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What I see in the #ows movement is hopeful, but if there is one thing I fear the most it is that the officials want riots to justify in shooting down the people. I can see fear in the people's faces now, after 2 months of the unexpected response by law enforcement to send out 1000 riot control officers to a Day of Action assembly. I had a knot in my stomach all day after I witnessed the kids being jammed in the stomach with billy clubs. The UC DAvis campus kids were assaulted by toxic substances for refusing to move. The movement just grows larger. I see a tea party member on the other side of the aisle ask how to join in a public forum. I see occupypolice has a facebook page. I say to myself the fraud is clear to see. The bad people have been identified and it is not the people in the movement; they are trying to preserve the country as it was intended to be <br />
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Facism or corporatism, oligarchy since the money has ended up in the hands of so few is attempting to overthrow America. The politicians have been bought by their lobbyists and golf games take place. Smiles are everywhere as stock dividends and insider trading make everyone up there richer day by day.<br />
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God if you are up there, please give these good people a hand, give them a moment of clarity so they can see the new world that awaits them will be hell on earth. Please someone, help America.

i dont know what to say i know the emptiness .... never ending falling feeling in to nothing

You have a way with words. That is a gift and thank you for sharing it with us. I hope you find peace soon.