What Am I Doing?
It never ceases to amaze me when I start looking at my life and wondering how I got to this point and wondering what the hell I'm doing.
Laying here, trying to will myself into the cold morning air to perpetually embark on the endless journey of taking 2 steps back for every one step forward.
I think and think and think but the thinking never translates into doing.
I feel like I am drowning. I am slowly slipping further under the surface of the sea of self loathing that I swim incessantly in. I am looking around at all these people who are offering to help me and I just stand still and stare at them like a frightened animal.
I don't know where I am going.
I have no clue where to start. I don't know what is important to me. I feel like the empty shell of a human.
I have spent so long living a chaotic, crazy, bipolar, borderline life and the thought of a normal life actually seems appalling and horrifying to me. How ****** up is that?? I am more scared of the normalcy than of the craziness.
I am scared to lose my crazy. I am scared to lose my drugs. I am scared to lose my dealing business because its the only thing I know how to do.
I feel like I'm slowly being torn down, like I have been set aflame but that I am slowly smoldering out.
I feel it tearing at the inside of me, the depression. God I'm scared of the mania, but the depression ******* hurts.
Now I'm just rambling off the topic...
I can't seem to get a hold of anything.