It's Been 25 Years, And I Still Don't Know Why. Should I Ask?

I wrote this to try and get my thoughts straight and understand, so I wrote it as if writing to the person, am interested in what you think about trying to find closure after so long....
I had not thought of you in 25 years, once in awhile someone would tell me news of you but I paid no attention, you were out of my life for good and I had no interest. All was fine until aprox two years ago I had a dream with you in it. I thought it strange that you would be in my dream after not thinking about you for so long, I took it as just a funny thing. However as the weeks and months went bye you were in my dreams more and in my thoughts every day. This was really beginning to bother me, there was no one I could talk too about it, and I did not understand why you're in my thoughts all the time. After another year had almost gone by it occurred to me that maybe I was trying to tell myself that I should talk to you. I tried to get a message to you and waited for several months, only no call, so I called your brother. I thought if we talked it would put to rest what ever was bothering me and get you out of my head, it was worth a try, but it didn't work. Your still in my
thoughts and dreams and it bugs me.
I know this is really stupid, none of it matters today and you won't remember any of it anyhow. We saw each other for 6 years, sometimes we each had our own place, sometimes one of us moved away but never for long, in the last two years it was mostly living together. When Jan & I lost the house in Jenner we stayed till the last day moving & cleaning. We went into Gurneville, you went into the theater and never came out, just left me on the side of the road without ever saying a word, you were done having anything to do with me. We didn't see each other for a year. We run into each other somewhere on the river, I give you a ride to a friends house, you go in and never come out, only this time you call the police. Over the following year we run into each other a few times, your always with Mark, we talk politely and you say you want to be able to at least talk. A few months later you have Mark come and ask me for money, because you were stuck in Thailand.
It had been two and half years since you just walked out of my life with out a word and in all that time we never saw or talked except the one time when you called the police, and about three one minute conversations in Marks company. So why would I want to help and give you money? I gave him $500.
Didn't you ever wonder why? I didn't know if I would ever even see you again and no way to contact you. Then one afternoon, about 6 weeks later Mardel pulls up in my drive way with you in the car. I was expecting her, we had just started seeing each other. Gill the French man was staying with me for a few days and was leaving the next day to return to France. Mardel slept with me and I put you & Gill in the front room. The next day Gill and Mardel both left, only you stayed. We hadn't talked, never mind slept together since the day you just turned your back on me. We avoided the subject for the first week instead each talking about future ideas not the past. I finally asked you one night about why you ended our friendship, all you said was I wasn't in any condition to support someone else. I didn't say anything more about it but asked about the second time when you called the police. You said your friend called and that you told him you wanted to come out and talk to me, but he wouldn't let you. I said, what about when the police were there, did you tell the police you wanted to talk to me, you said nothing and I never said anything more about it.
All you had to do is say you had a place to stay with whoever and I would have to find my own place. We had always seen other people we did not have a monogamous relationship it wouldn't have been anything to say you could stay with someone else.
One night you asked me why I put you & Gill together. I said Gill had wanted to be with you for a long time, so I gave him a chance, I never asked if you had sex with him, it wasn't any of my business. Then another night you asked me about Mardel, you said, she really liked me and wanted to stay with me a lot, you wanted to know why I didn't let her move in. I lied to you, I could not tell you the truth, I was in love with you, not after all you had done. Instead I told you she said something sexual that freaked me out. Didn't you wonder why I gave money for you When we were not even friends anymore? But I knew no reason to tell you, I had been hurt enough by you without ever knowing why. After about a month I asked why you were staying with me you would not tell me, so I brought up some of the things that you had mentioned when you first came and suggested the idea of staying with your brother was probably the best one. It took a few weeks and I helped you with some money so you could go to his place. When you left I was happy that we were still lovers & becoming friends again, something I never thought we would do. Then once again, I didn't understand, over the next year, you called me to say you were coming up to visit and wanted to see me, but every time you came you didn't even try to see me. Once again I was the
last person you wanted s to see, after you called for the fifth time, one night I was drunk and called telling you to stay out of my life.
Horny4tits Horny4tits
46-50, M
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

I'm speechless. Caulk it up to a rutty road traveled.