No Sleep Still?

Here I am again. I'm about to go to bed after 6 am again. I always say I'll go to bed earlier tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. I have things to do and I am always tired. When I do commit to going to bed early, I lay there with my eyes closed until I can tell light is coming through the window, then I cry because I am so frustrated that I just can't sleep. Now my mind is haunting me with thoughts of him. He's always there annoying the hell out of me when I actually do sleep. Every damn night is just another dream about him. They are the real feeling dreams, the ones that feel so real and good that I don't want to get out of them and when I finally wake up, I am so angry that I have those dreams. I fight sleep then I embrace it but it doesn't embrace me and when it does, I miss everything and have these haunting dreams. Dreams that are what I wish I could do or say in real life. Things that I wish would happen but never ever will. I woke up with my hand on the phone, about to call him. I wonder what I would have said. He would not have answered anyway. Please stop torturing me. Get out of my dreams. I cut you out of my life for a reason. I don't need you. Let me sleep for once. I have always had problems sleeping. It's not just him haunting me, it's me being hyper at 2 am or wanting to eat at midnight or getting caught up in paid programming because yes sometimes infomercials can be very enticing. It is quite fun to be typing on here while eating my oh so depressing valentine's day candy from my dad and going, "holy ****, the magic bullet still looks awesome." and being convinced that my naturally straight hair really needs the instyler (lol I must be tired) I love and hate sleep. I love and hate being an insomniac. I prefer the solitude of night when everyone else is asleep and I can just be in my own little world. It's hard to not try to search for time for myself when I'm in a house that always has people in it and those people are always in your business. It's so peaceful right now. No sound at all, just me in my own world.

Anyone else get where I'm coming from?

MissMonsterr MissMonsterr
18-21, F
Feb 15, 2010