My Husband Doesn't Understand...
Almost a year ago, my husband decided to let his younger brother (age 22 at the time) move in with us because he was in a bit of trouble back home. At first, I wasn't 100% in this event taking place as we were just about to move out on our own for the first time in our 3 year relationship. We'd only been married about 2 yrs at this point and I was excited about us moving out on our own (no roommates!) and starting our life together.
Anyway, so after I said it would be ok but I had reservations about it and we needed to talk more on it, he decided that meant, 'Yes! Go buy him a 300$ ticket now!" and long story short, his brother became a part of our lives about a month or less after. I did feel like he jumped the gun a bit, but I didn't want to have him feel as though I wasn't willing to support him when he only wanted to help his baby brother out of a bad situation.
All he told me, was that his brother had an issue with drugs and had been living on his own since he was 16. He felt like he was the only person that could help his brother out and that living with us would be the best medicine for him since it would get him away from the source of his problems. So he moves out here.
We move in to our new place.... things are ok for a few weeks. When it comes down to the time for him to start looking into getting his diploma (he dropped out of HS at age 16), I'm getting a bit uncomfortable with his attitude and tone. He seemed very uninterested in the idea of the ground rules my husband was beginning to set. "You have to work and pay bills once you get your diploma" was pretty much all my husband said. Well, it took a while for him to get start with school because they said he didn't complete enough hours to get his diploma at the Adult Center so he had to get his GED and take these tests. A little, minor set back, but all he had to do was show up a few days a week and take a few tests to prepare him for his big test.
All the while I am noticing his attitude is still sub par. He never really seemed to like the idea of my husband getting on him about school. He would rarely study and my husband is big on studying and doing well in your classes. He'd even get an attitude in conversation with my husband and that made me uncomfortable. Overall, I felt like his attitude about everything was more so him just wanting to get out of the crowded house with his druggie buddies than actually bettering himself.
When it came time for his tests, he was very nonchalant about them and actually missed one or two... further putting him behind time wise in getting his GED so he could get a job. He would say, "I don't know, I just forgot" about them like they weren't important enough to worry about and then he'd have to wait 3 months or so to retake. He had found a part time job cleaning with this small privately owned company who was "paying him under the table" he said.
I was just happy he had a job because he had been playing WoW (which my husband was paying for) and being lazy for months before this opportunity arrived. I was trying to help him find jobs that did not require a GED/Diploma that could hold him over until he got his because he was becoming a drain on our finances.
So he gets this job and has to use our brand new car, which wasn't even 3 months old yet, to drive back and forth about 45 minutes away. We were paying for the gas until (I thought) he was making money and doing it himself. My husband had to catch the bus to school or make me late for work from taking him before I left and it was beginning to get tiresome, but I kept telling myself it was temporary until he could get on his feet, get his GED, get a local job... etc.
The people would call him ONLY if he didn't need to come in to work. He went for a while, maybe a month or so, before he just stopped going saying, "Oh they never called me so I guess they don't need me anymore" Now, he had specifically stated that they only call when they DON't need him. So I suspected he just didn't want to work anymore and was lazy. My husband had questioned him about finding another small labor job to which the B-I-L got mad and began to tell my husband that he had no idea what hard work was because he was in the military for 6 yrs! As if he just had it so easy in the military!! I was pissed, but my husband shrugged it off.
So for months, he had no job, was barely trying to get his GED, failed the writing test because he only tried to get help once or twice to better himself at it, and again, we'd have to wait weeks or so for him to retake. All the while, he's using this as an excuse for not finding work. Our finances kept dwindling. My husband starts getting on MY case about MY job and how I should be trying to get more hours at work because I wasn't in school at the time due to having some issues which tied up my transcripts from a previous university.
I began to feel put off because he wasn't jumping on his brother and pushing him to find another job or to work harder on his GED, but he began to push ME because our finances were getting slim and I felt so upset because I was already doing what I could to try and help out. I work in retail and our hours are based on the money we made for the week. If it's low, hours are low. So I was missing lots of hours because there were none. So he was pushing me to get a second job.
I felt a bit ganged up on and like it was unfair that he was constantly on me about another job when his brother was the cause for our increased expenses. He wasn't paying any of the bills and was only paying 200$ for rent when he could get it. For a few months he had no income so we were footing everything. He finally found a small job through a temp agency, but after a few months or less he stopped working with them saying they hadn't called him back for another job. (apparently, this one was a short contract he says) But I tried to explain to my husband that temp agencies don't call you... you're supposed to call every week to let them know you're available for work and if they have something, they'll tell you. If not, they'll log that you called so if something DID come up, they'd know you were still looking.
He didn't call for weeks. All the while, he's living it up playing WoW that my husband was STILL paying for, eating whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, using our $34 a month Blockbuster membership to watch as many movies as he wanted, and sleeping on my couch. I told my husband this bothered me because I didn't want our couch to start to smell from someone sleeping on it every day (especially someone who barely got up enough care to shower!) But my husband just blew me off. Anytime I brought up valid points :" Your brother should work harder at this GED thing. Your brother isn't actively searching for another job or following up with his current jobs." he'd just say, "It takes time. He needs time. He doesn't understand things. He isn't like you, he has to rethink his whole mentality. Blah Blah" I understood that but just because you made the choice to drop out of school, get into drugs, and get into trouble with the law, doesn't mean you don't know basic etiquette when living with other people!
I expected him to be able to realize how important it is to carry your own weight, try your hardest to find a job or to get your GED so you could help out the people who are giving you another chance at making things right. This isn't a free ride. You don't just lay about and do things when YOU want to because WE are taking on the responsibility of the bills. I was beginning to feel a bit used.
FINALLY, he got his GED, and began looking for jobs. We tried to explain to him that he should find something full time because expenses couldn't be paid in a part time job. Instead of going to the places I actually FOUND FOR HIM that were hiring for full time, he goes on Craigslist and finds some easy part time job. I asked my husband what he was thinking because he couldn't afford his part of the expenses with that job and plus, AGAIN, is was a great distance away from our home. But my husband dismissed me again with, "At least he has a job now. Isn't that what you were complaining about?"
I felt like I couldn't complain since he was in fact working, but I knew he could have found a better job, working FULL TIME, but when I said this the BIL stated, "Nah I like his job" he hadn't even WORKED it, just had an interview. And because he was the first to reply to the ad, he was hired. He is currently driving our new car to this job. He has kept it for a few months, but the problem is that he is putting a huge bind on us by having my husband's car all the time. He drives miles away and yes he's putting his own gas in, but the wear and tear on the car is unnecessary when he could just find a job nearby!!
Not only that but the car has over 10k miles on it and my husband and I barely out over 2 on it by traveling home to visit my family two or three times AND driving locally. We never have the car! He's living it up in my house barely paying us any money and it is working my nerves. Things just got really bad recently when he got the tires rotated and oil changed and made my husband pay for it!!!! He took the money out of the already slim $200 a month he pays us because he didn't feel like he had to pay for OUR car that only HE drives.
My husband ALLOWED this and I was furious! This is a grown man, age 23, who is just getting everything handed to him basically. He's got a better place to live, food, internet, a brand new car!, everything. And he barely works for it. Our expenses are now over $1000 . He eats like 2-3 people and we buy groceries almost every 3-5 weeks! That's over $300 worth of groceries mind you! I don't know what to do.
I'm at this point where I feel so dismissed and walked over. I am constantly stressed and arguing with my husband who just this last argument made me feel 2 inches tall. I was so upset that I broke down crying and decided to just GET AWAY from my house. My own home! I feel like a stranger here. I don't feel like my husband understands why I'm so upset over these things and even when he says he KNOWS what I'm talking about, I don't feel he really understands.
When the BIL left messes in the kitchen my husband would get mad at me for mentioning it. He'd literally have 14 dishes brought out of his room and leave them sitting in the sink for days for someone else to clean up. His room is disgusting, smells horrible, and he's just lazy!! He only wants to work so he can have money to spend on junk. He never contributes to our expenses and will rarely buy frozen pizza or some take out for dinner for everyone. I can count on one hand how many times that's happened.
I ALWAYS make dinner for EVERYONE, but refuse to cook him breakfast or make him lunch because HE IS AN ADULT!! I'm only responsible for my husband and myself, but I don't mind cooking dinner for everyone because I wouldn't expect him to have to wait on me to finish cooking for myself and my husband and eat later or something.
But it's become beyond tiring. When I directly ask him to clean up a mess of his, he whines to my husband who makes some excuse for him every time. And I'm tired of it. Now, his attitude is completely different. He has this smug, I do what I want attitude and is no longer even cordial with me which is fine by me because I'd rather not speak to him, but this is MY house. My husband argues that it's his house too and we're ""roommates" but all the roommates I've had buy their own food, have their own car, clean up their own messes, and pay their FULL part of the expenses.
I know he knows my husband and I are fighting and he seems to like it. His attitude towards my husband isn't one you would expect a brother to have for someone who is helping HIM out. Their older brother came down to visit and caused a bunch of drama by provoking the BIL and he was out in my parking lot screaming about how he's a man and wants to be treated like such and not have to do what my husband tells him to do.
If he was any kind of man, he'd be on his own and not causing problems. I'm just miserable because my husband and I haven't talked in 3 days since our fight and I feel so alone. I feel like they're both against me and it's making me miserable. The BIL tried living with their older brother and wife once but the wife couldn't take his BS and claimed he was stealing from her so he "hates" her now and I'm probably on that list too. That situation just makes me think he's jealous of his brothers and their lives and likes to cause issues between them and their spouses.
I just want my life back. I want less stress and more happy time between my husband and I. I got so tired of hearing my husband ***** about my one job that I ran out of the house and went to find a new job and actually got hired the next day. So I work TWO jobs now and it's tiring and I'm just miserable and having thoughts about leaving that make me want to cry. I feel trapped and don't know what to do. This guys is walking all over my husband and he refuses to see it that way and jumps all over me when I tell him how it is.
I don't know what to do......