Pathetic

So I don't know where to start...
I often feel like if I talk about the ways my father has hurt me and made me feel, it makes me look weak and pathetic. I feel like by talking about my feelings im only feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it's just what he's put into my head these past years. I've gone through many of the same experiences others have had. I'm only 15 years old and I don't know if I am just being "melodramatic," but at this point I can't stand him. I resent him on so many levels, I despise him for: constantly reminding me of my failures, constantly ignoring me, cheating on my mom and putting his burden upon me, leading me to then telling my mom, and leaving the burden on her(as well as never apologizing to me..what a coward), slapping my face and making me feel worthless (never again will I let that happen), yelling to my mom, while i'm in the same room, "I hate you're freakin daughter!," trying to hit me, flipping me off, making me feel completely worthless and insecure; the list goes on. As I write this, I've come to realize how pathetic he really is, so pathetic he puts me down because he doesn't know how to handle his own problems and insecurities.Regardless, I still have a lot of resentment towards him, and only God knows if I will ever forgive him.Only God knows why he treats me the way he does. Only God knows the pain I have endured because of is actions. He never takes credit for treating me so badly, he never says sorry, and always acts like nothing has happened - like he's done nothing wrong, and I come to ask myself why i let myself put up with him; why I still try to earn his approval. Most of all I'm angry that I let myself reach the point where I cut my wrists, wished to die,thought of what I'd write in letters to loved ones before I'd decide to kill myself. Someday he'll regret everything he's done and everything he's said to purposely hurt me. I can't wait til that day, but until then I can only wait. Reading what others have been through makes me feel better and reminds me I'm not the only one who shares the same pain, and holds similar burdens. I know many have had it worse than I have; I only hope God gives them (and myself) the strength to move on and prosper in life.
CeeG CeeG
18-21, F
May 5, 2012