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Intrusive Mother In Law Called On the Carpet...

I have been Married for Two years. I have known my Husband for Three.

We absolutely started out as everyone else. Experiencing each other in a great sense of joy.

Til I met the other woman. The Mother. First impression she had of me was competition. My Husband was a little timid of me meeting her as it took months til  the first meeting.

The first words out of her mouth were that I was very different than the last girlfriend. I was not invited into house. We all just stood outside. She demanded her son to hang a flag outside. As he did she told me as both stood and watch the hanging of the flag, that was the boss and will always be the boss and will always have a huge influence on her son. She was very needy and he will do what she says when she says. I just smiled and nodded.

Little did I know these were words for battle in her mind.  We stayed for about an hour and on the way home I didn't say anything to my husband who was at the time my boyfriend.

She was sweet as pie to me til she found out I was now a fiance months later. My husband asked we be married secretly and we were and a month later we married for the family as my Father was dying.

She refused to go to Vegas and told my Husband what to do at our wedding. He told her it is his wedding and he did appreciate her being late and at this point she stuck on him like glue. It was pitiful.  We  actually left her on her own for he was tired of her dogging him. I suppose that must have enraged her for that was her fuel to start games.

3 months into our marriage we had our first argument and he went outside and phoned I thought a friend to cool off and chat . He called his Mother and that was the downfall of marriage.she convinced him to come to her home and he did and I did not see him for 10 days. I to this day I do not know what she said. 

We fight most days. the blame game and so on, so forth. We however did  get a break from her and was transferred to the west coast. He then started to open up and tell me  little by little about his life growing up and after 3 years, I am beginning to put the pieces together of what life was like for him living with a needy mother who intruded on his life.

We went through therapy together, individual, and every time he deals with her, there is a trigger.

I put into a plan of action what will work for me.  she hates it for I will not give her the power. I have tried and realize being around a toxic person is not healthy  even though she is my Mother in law, I am not able to communicate with someone that does not wish to release control. She told me she will do anything it takes to break up my marriage and that is her desire to have her son back.

This hurts me deeply as I see the pain it causes my Husband.

I wrote into Dr Phil and they wanted us on the show and she accepted and we were all ready to go and before she was suppose to sign the release form she backed out.  My husband told her we all need to forgive, heal and love one another. She said no.

She said she will not have no further contact with me and I am not allowed to her home.

My Husband and I agreed there will be no going to her home or contact with her unless I am invited for this will give her ammunition to be the victim and therefore she will not be allowed to have that control. She will see we are a unit, team, we are married. She calls us a lifestyle.

My Husband is going to go into therapy and we will seek therapy together as we just moved back to the East Coast due to his Job.

I am so thankful I have a loving family.  

My husband and I , are hanging on by a thread. This emeshed behavior has caused alot of damage for us. However we will not allow her to have the power  as now my Husband is beginning to see his anger and frustration and chaotic childhood has played a huge role in the way he relates in our marriage.

This is in part my story with the mother in law who has been intrustive and emeshed.

only time will things get better and emotional spirits will heal.

I just hope she will leave me alone.  we will see.

I forgive her for being cruel and mean to me. My heart goes out to my Husband. and in time he will learn to communicate and learn to be the person he needs to be happy within.

Meanwhile it is still hard....

 

feels good to write.

CindyL CindyL 41-45 5 Responses Dec 10, 2008

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UPDATE

We are no longer married. I divorced him. At some point I will write about the details.

cindy.

My hubby understands the issues with his MIL, but he hates confrontation, so we had quite a few arguments when we were first married. Then I realized that he was in so much pain, just like you realized with your hubby. I started telling him that I was on his side. Now, when I want to handle an issue, I present my view, and my bottom line. He let's me know his side, and we try to work out a solution that he can live with, sometimes that means just venting then hugging. Laughing helps a great deal. Now he knows no matter what, I'm on his side. We also look at his mother as an outside problem - not an internal problem to us, so we deal with it together.

Have you ever read about Narcissist Personality Disorder. Your MIL sounds alot like mine and my MIL is severely personality disordered with this. There is lots of websites that talk to what it is like and when I read them I almost fall off my chair with how accurate they are. <br />
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The victim thing, that is called the drama triangle. Usually there is a victim, a person the MIL is making out to be the oppressor and the rescuer, the person that MIL is trying to manipulate.<br />
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If your husband starts to pull back, your MIL will likely wage a full on battle, they do not take to this well at all. I also noticed with mine that when the kids are born they are another person for MILs like these to compete with, it is utterly ridiculous.<br />
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It is a long process for the husbands to become detached, but from what I can gather your husband is aware of her if he waited for you to meet her, that is good sign. <br />
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Don't be surprized if one day she tries to move in with you and your husband, they are also notorious for that. Mine tried, thankfully I was not married when she pulled that one, and I told my husband to be at the time that I am calling off the wedding, he is already married to his mother.<br />
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Good luck, you have a very large battle ahead of you. I have fought the same battle, and I am winning it so it does happen.

Thank you so much for the comments. Mother In Law plays victim role quite often. I am the type of person who desire to help instead of hindering or to enable a behavior that is destructive. I put boundaries in place with her and as well with husband. Sharing our conflicts with his Mother I expressed was not healthy. However, I am guilty of saying in the beginning of the Marriage we had a few issues, not realizing at first she was wanting to build a relationship with me, only wanting to use and twist anything I said against me and tell her Son I said things about him that were simply untrue. <br />
She suffers from depression or that is what she tells me, has been married 4 times and causes havoc with her neighbors. When she is not able to handle herself, she involves her whole miserable in the boat friends, and other son. I allowed her to abuse me for the last time a couple of weeks ago as she called a F****** B **** and a F****** S***. I looked at my Husband and he said to her this was inappropriate and she yelled at him I deserved this and wont let her like me. <br />
So it comes down to, in my view, she has lost control, power, and I will not allow her to intrude in my life once I caught on and she hates it. My Husband is very slowly coming around. He has been so enmeshed, it is very hard.<br />
I am glad I can just vent here and simply do not want to blame anyone, just want to heal. I went to therapy for months and implementing what I learned is actually empowering as well as emotional too.

Your husband is probably torn between you and his mother...<br />
Good luck!