Murder In Family Is My Greatest Fear

My dad can be a really scary man. When the fight is heated he will use physical force. He often threaten to kill, and I and mom and anyone believe he can do it. The fight started long ago, I don't even remember how old was I. Back then we used to live with my aunts family. They fight and fight, and I remember how terrified and humiliated I am when my dad become very rough and scary. Many times he hold knife in a fight. I remember at 8 years old they made such a big commotion around the house as mom runs for her live from Dad. They got divorced and Mom left the house but it never ends. I don't believe brother Mom or Dad. They are so full of themselves. Used me as a reason to fight. I hate it. I hate it that I have to forever live a terrified life until dies. I hate it that I can't even believe my own parents. I hate it that my husband doesn't even want to stand by me when this happen. I hate it that they use me as the scapegoat. I hate it that the fight humiliated me in front of other people. I hate Dad for acting like he is a saint at other times. I hate Dad for keeping his hatred towards Mom though he keep preaching about forgiveness. I hate Dad for keep acting like a good person with logic. I hate Dad for not letting it go for my happiness that he always swore upon. I hate Dad for preaching to me and everyone things that he won't do himself. I hate Mom for not telling the truth. I hate Mom for keeping quiet and running away. I hate Mom for cheating in front of her kids and everyone and acts like its nothing. I hate Mom for her fullness of herself, thinking she is right. I hate Mom for giving me a birth. I hate this world and God for not revealing the truth. I hate my husband because he is so stupid and forgot his promise to stand by me when the fight comes. I hate myself unable to pass this even if I'm 25 years old. I run away to a country 24 hours flight time from my parents and still entrapped. I want to free myself.
moonapple moonapple
22-25, F
2 Responses May 19, 2012

i understand fully:(

I can totally relate to your story. When I came home today and didn't find my parents at home, the first thing that came to my mind was that maybe my dad killed my mom. Then they came home and like always started to fight, dad threatened to kill mom, Mom threatened to kill herself. And this goes on and on. They don't even divorce for "my sake". I really don't understand how two people can hate each other so much.