Make The Noise Stop

You would never know by looking at me. I’m a perfectly normal, well-adjusted person. I am healthy, get straight As in school, and have a solid group of friends. But underneath my seemingly calm and cheerful disposition lies a dark secret. Inside I am slowly falling apart. There are times when I want to crawl out of my skin and inhabit someone else’s life for a while. Other times, I just lie in my bed with a pillow over my face trying to muffle the sounds of my cries. I have a history of cutting (which I have managed to get under control by myself – my family doesn’t believe in, nor can they afford therapy) and it takes everything I’ve got sometimes to keep from cutting again.

Why am I so unhappy? I live in an unhappy home. I can’t remember a time when my parents didn’t constantly fight. I remember being in second grade, lying awake at night listening to my parents argue, fight, and humiliate each other. Nearly fifteen years later, they’re still at it and the poison has seeped into my body. I’ve absorbed their lack of respect for each other, their total hatred for each other, and it has manifested itself in some interesting ways. I don’t believe in love – I don’t need Dr. Phil to point out the origin of that one for me. I’ve never let myself be vulnerable with anyone because I don’t want to end up like my parents. I look at my friends who are dying to get married and I honestly feel sorry for them – they have no idea what’s in store.

Even as I’m writing this, my mother is screaming about my father’s “girlfriend”. He plays dumb, knowing I’m awake and can hear everything and says, “what girlfriend, what are you talking about?” My mother counters with, “YOU’RE GIRLFRIEND! THE ONE YOU INVITED TO THE WEDDING! THE ONE YOU ******!” She thinks she just embarrassed my father, which she probably did, but what she really did was make me lose all respect for her. I can appreciate the hurt she must be feeling from this betrayal but what kind of parent sacrifices her kid to win another fight?

I don’t talk about any of this with my friends because it’s too dark and I don’t really want anyone to know about this part of my life. Let them all think everything is fine and that I’m just their goofy, adventurous, sometimes awkward friend. I don’t need their pitying looks or them trying to solve my problems. There’s no solution. I honestly don’t understand why my parents didn’t go through with the divorce that was announced years ago. It would have definitely made my life happier because it wouldn’t be filled with the sounds of two people trying to out-shout each other in a twenty year long battle.
MakeTheNoiseStop MakeTheNoiseStop
22-25, F
Sep 20, 2012