I Often Wish To Become Terminally Ill...

i will not commit suicide because that would hurt too many people.  but i want my life to be over.  the pain and the anquish i have experienced has been too much to bare.  the main one is i dont feel loved.  the catch 22 is that i dont feel i can open to love either.  i am stuck on a past relationship and it is taking me for a ride.  some days are bliss, and i feel like it will all turn out ok with this person.  and some days i cannot stop crying--with no end of consollation.  i am spiritual and the message i keep getting is "you have to find your way out alone"....but i cant...or i havent been able to and i refuse to endure a lifetime of this anguish.  just when i think its over, it attacks me again.  i wonder if i will just lose it and jump off a cliff one day.  i am losing hope, joy and anything that used to mean something to me.  and nothing anyone says to me helps.  where are those people who welcome me with open arms when i need a sanctuary?  i know--they are far away because i ran awy from them because they all hurt me so much over and over and over. my entire family, my ex, everyone.  and then i got pathetic and stupid and sad.....if someone told me: your life is over today, i would be so happy!  i just want it to end.  nothing inspires me and i cant stop crying.  i want out. and i think we should have that right as humans, to end our lives when there is no where left to turn and you can barely function anymore.