I know there will come a day when I'll feel better but right now it feels like a lifetime away. I feel sick. I'm crying all the time and I actually feel nauseous. I can't keep my food down and my chest literally hurts. I cant breathe and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
I've been crying for days. I'm trying to cheer myself up but it's harder than I thought.
My story's kinda pathetic. It started with a boy I fell head over heels in love with (I've written about him before). I had never felt so understood or wanted before.... Until I found out that he'd been lying to me all along and he had (still has) a girlfriend. So I mourned for ages. And I was starting to feel better, I was starting to accept that nothing I said or did could bring him back and that it was probably for the best because I obviously couldnt trust him.
Then a couple of weeks ago I befriended a really lovely guy. The more we hung out together the more I developed feelings for him. But I knew it was too soon and I was afraid that if anything did happen it would be rebound and I'd lose a friend in the process. We both shared our disappointments in failed relationships and he kept saying that he valued our friendship and we both agreed that anything beyond platonic would jeopardise our friendship. But then he kissed me. It was right before he went away on vacation for a month. I was shocked but happy too you know. I figured if he kissed me he really meant it, because he's one of the good guys. And for weeks we'd talk everyday and he'd tell me he couldn't wait to get back here and back to me so we could pick up where we left off. And I believed him. I suppose I needed to believe him because I couldnt bear the thought of being hurt again.
Until last week... when suddenly the calls stopped, his text messages were curt and he didnt want to come back because he was having so much fun and he was so relaxed on vacation. I thought I'd said or done something wrong. Eventually i pushed him to tell me what was going on... "oh nothing really" he says. "I just had a lot going on, there's so much that I need to sort out in the new year. And i met someone".
I'd spent three weeks waiting for him. When a previous ex (not the guy I just mentioned) wanted to meet up again I said no because of him. And ever so caually he tells me he's met someone. And he has the nerve to tell me our friendship is still REALLY inportant to me and he'll always be there for me of course, nothing's changed. WTF?????? So that kiss never happened???? All those conversations never happened??????
So what do I do??? contact the ex. We met up and he says he wants to get back together he's missed me etc. So I agree to a trial basis and we went out again the next night. And the reasons we broke up originally were still there. He was still a bully, just this time he tried to hide it by trying to guilt me into things I didnt want to do. So I broke uo with him again and he told me to die.
so 1,2,3 times I messed up. And i can't stop crying. I've become the pathetc girl I swore I'd never be. I want to feel better. I'm distracting myself as best I can but it's not working. I hate myself sometimes for allowing this to happen to me. I'm supposed to be smart.
It all just hurts so much