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Compounded Disappointment

I know there will come a day when I'll feel better but right now it feels like a lifetime away. I feel sick. I'm crying all the time and I actually feel nauseous. I can't keep my food down and my chest literally hurts. I cant breathe and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

I've been crying for days. I'm trying to cheer myself up but it's harder than I thought.

My story's kinda pathetic. It started with a boy I fell head over heels in love with (I've written about him before). I had never felt so understood or wanted before.... Until I found out that he'd been lying to me all along and he had (still has) a girlfriend. So I mourned for ages. And I was starting to feel better, I was starting to accept that nothing I said or did could bring him back and that it was probably for the best because I obviously couldnt trust him.

Then a couple of weeks ago I befriended a really lovely guy. The more we hung out together the more I developed feelings for him. But I knew it was too soon and I was afraid that if anything did happen it would be rebound and I'd lose a friend in the process. We both shared our disappointments in failed relationships and he kept saying that he valued our friendship and we both agreed that anything beyond platonic would jeopardise our friendship. But then he kissed me. It was right before he went away on vacation for a month. I was shocked but happy too you know. I figured if he kissed me he really meant it, because he's one of the good guys. And for weeks we'd talk everyday and he'd tell me he couldn't wait to get back here and back to me so we could pick up where we left off. And I believed him. I suppose I needed to believe him because I couldnt bear the thought of being hurt again.

Until last week... when suddenly the calls stopped, his text messages were curt and he didnt want to come back because he was having so much fun and he was so relaxed on vacation. I thought I'd said or done something wrong. Eventually i pushed him to tell me what was going on... "oh nothing really" he says. "I just had a lot going on, there's so much that I need to sort out in the new year. And i met someone".

I'd spent three weeks waiting for him. When a previous ex (not the guy I just mentioned) wanted to meet up again I said no because of him. And ever so caually he tells me he's met someone. And he has the nerve to tell me our friendship is still REALLY inportant to me and he'll always be there for me of course, nothing's changed. WTF?????? So that kiss never happened???? All those conversations never happened??????

So what do I do??? contact the ex. We met up and he says he wants to get back together he's missed me etc. So I agree to a trial basis and we went out again the next night. And the reasons we broke up originally were still there. He was still a bully, just this time he tried to hide it by trying to guilt me into things I didnt want to do. So I broke uo with him again and he told me to die.

so 1,2,3 times I messed up. And i can't stop crying. I've become the pathetc girl I swore I'd never be. I want to feel better. I'm distracting myself as best I can but it's not working. I hate myself sometimes for allowing this to happen to me.  I'm supposed to be smart.

It all just hurts so much

annathom annathom 26-30, F 8 Responses Jan 13, 2008

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Dear Annathom,

Don't hate yourself!

Believe in yourself during this time, more than any thing else ... being disappointed has relatively little to do with whether or not you are smart and every thing to do with the 'self', its self-consciousness, experiencing emotional deprivation.

If you weren't a confidant person you wouldn't feel disappointed - because you had good expectations and thought you deserved what you were going after.

An experience of loss fractures and paralyzes the formerly hopeful self, because it makes that self seem in retrospect to have been arrogant and naive. It demoralizes us; sensing a decay of pleasure in being ourself - and we labor in an existence deprived of self-delight (distraction 'therapy').

Pleasure is related to our sense of purpose and being in a state of disappointment 'seems' to be irreversible - banished from a normal relation to our own life.

To be unhappy feels humiliating and we see ourselves as among those of the unfortunate and unthriving - with wishes for the future 'cut-off' - entering into a state of limbo with a new purpose which is to suppress our feelings; to ultimately distract oneself from our own existence. When we 'numb' ourselves, stay adrift, and 'wallow' in our new state of disappointment we are doubly inflicted with loneliness and shame.

It is important, especially when we are young, to remember that life will bring with it disappointments and difficulties, and we must learn from them to make us stronger, to use them as building blocks that help to shape and form us into the unique individuals that we are ever-evolving into.

Life is rich with experiences and our decisions will be important as they do influence the quality of our lives. In relationships when we are ultimately disappointed and feel betrayed it is necessary to remember that we have no control over the actions of others. We can only be strong and steadfast in who we are - having a strong sense of self will be your courier to the types of people that we attract and are attracted to.

Don't put all your belief into another in sustaining your own happiness in life - create your own happiness and trust that.

Life is fluid. Our ability to find happiness in the journey is directly correlated to how willing we are to let go and go with the flow.

It’s easy to fall into a downward spiral when our core is shaken by something we weren’t expecting. Do something that boosts you up instead of something that contributes to your sadness, anger and frustration.

Mr. Right will pop up. Mr. Right who will be willing to cry for you :)

Yes, be kind to others and be kind to yourself. You are special so be very kind to yourself :)

In a perfect world I suppose they would be kept. I guess the best I can do is keep my promises. The ones not to hurt others and to be nicer to myself so I don't let others hurt me

Yes, promises should be kept.

which also makes me wonder why I choose them or they choose me. Why I keep attracting guys that will hurt me.

That's probably true but I also chose them and that was my mistake

It sounds to me like the guys you were with messed up by being untruthful.