Compounded Disappointment

I know there will come a day when I'll feel better but right now it feels like a lifetime away. I feel sick. I'm crying all the time and I actually feel nauseous. I can't keep my food down and my chest literally hurts. I cant breathe and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

I've been crying for days. I'm trying to cheer myself up but it's harder than I thought.

My story's kinda pathetic. It started with a boy I fell head over heels in love with (I've written about him before). I had never felt so understood or wanted before.... Until I found out that he'd been lying to me all along and he had (still has) a girlfriend. So I mourned for ages. And I was starting to feel better, I was starting to accept that nothing I said or did could bring him back and that it was probably for the best because I obviously couldnt trust him.

Then a couple of weeks ago I befriended a really lovely guy. The more we hung out together the more I developed feelings for him. But I knew it was too soon and I was afraid that if anything did happen it would be rebound and I'd lose a friend in the process. We both shared our disappointments in failed relationships and he kept saying that he valued our friendship and we both agreed that anything beyond platonic would jeopardise our friendship. But then he kissed me. It was right before he went away on vacation for a month. I was shocked but happy too you know. I figured if he kissed me he really meant it, because he's one of the good guys. And for weeks we'd talk everyday and he'd tell me he couldn't wait to get back here and back to me so we could pick up where we left off. And I believed him. I suppose I needed to believe him because I couldnt bear the thought of being hurt again.

Until last week... when suddenly the calls stopped, his text messages were curt and he didnt want to come back because he was having so much fun and he was so relaxed on vacation. I thought I'd said or done something wrong. Eventually i pushed him to tell me what was going on... "oh nothing really" he says. "I just had a lot going on, there's so much that I need to sort out in the new year. And i met someone".

I'd spent three weeks waiting for him. When a previous ex (not the guy I just mentioned) wanted to meet up again I said no because of him. And ever so caually he tells me he's met someone. And he has the nerve to tell me our friendship is still REALLY inportant to me and he'll always be there for me of course, nothing's changed. WTF?????? So that kiss never happened???? All those conversations never happened??????

So what do I do??? contact the ex. We met up and he says he wants to get back together he's missed me etc. So I agree to a trial basis and we went out again the next night. And the reasons we broke up originally were still there. He was still a bully, just this time he tried to hide it by trying to guilt me into things I didnt want to do. So I broke uo with him again and he told me to die.

so 1,2,3 times I messed up. And i can't stop crying. I've become the pathetc girl I swore I'd never be. I want to feel better. I'm distracting myself as best I can but it's not working. I hate myself sometimes for allowing this to happen to me.  I'm supposed to be smart.

It all just hurts so much

annathom annathom
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 13, 2008

Thanks MyLoves.<br />
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I actually cant believe I wrote that a year ago. Feels like I wrote it this morning.<br />
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I needed to hear what you had to say so thank you for saying it

Ah - hun. You haven't done anything wrong. You have a kind and open heart, and you're willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. And you're loyal. Those are all great qualities . . . you remind me a lot of myself, and of my teen daughter. What I've learned (and it took me a long time) and what I'm trying to teach her is not to let other people define her happiness. In other words, when a boy she really liked felt the same way about her, she was so happy - but when he suddenly decided he didn't want a girlfriend anymore, she was devastated. She had opened her heart and trusted him without reservation - and she let him become her reason for happiness. <br />
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You're thinking that you're guarding yourself, you believe yourself to be cautious ("we both agreed that anything beyond platonic would jeopardise our friendship" and "he wants to get back together he's missed me etc., so I agree to a trial basis), but as soon as they make a move, you're sucked in and you let yourself become completely vulnerable. You recognize rebound, but you do it anyway . . . which is completely understandable because we all want to make the pain go away. But you're looking for someone else to help you make the pain go away - you're not looking to yourself. <br />
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You have to be the person you want most to hang out with. Before you will find someone who doesn't take you for granted, you have to learn not to take yourself for granted. You are strong and amazing, and you're entitled to be treated with respect. You can't demand respect - not by being angry when you don't get it, or by telling people you deserve it. You'll get it when you finally own a quiet and confident self concept that knows you have an intrinsic value just in being you . . . without anyone else's input, without anyone's else's approval. Be your own best friend - and the heck with ppl (especially boys) who aren't grown up enough yet to recognize your value. They can't see the forest for the trees - but you get it. One day you'll meet someone who "gets" you, your soulmate. It took me 46 years and a lot of heartache to find mine - but it's been worth every second. Don't settle for less.

Wow. Ok you've really got me thinking here. And you're right something's gotta change and i need to figure out why I keep choosing the wrong guys....<br />
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Problem is they all tend to look pretty perfect in the beginning. Wait. In the beginning. There we have my first mistake already. I let things move too fast. i let these guys into my heart before I give them time to show their true colours. Now I just need to figure out why I do it. And I guess that's the hard part.<br />
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But thank you for pointing me in the right direction. It's a starting point. But one thing is for sure, my heart needs proper time to heal. <br />
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Something has been coming up a lot lately... that my happiness is in my own hands. What an idea hey.<br />
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But first I'm gonna do what you suggest and stop and properly analyze what's been going wrong. Because if you can't identify the problem you can't see the solution. right???