My Life.........

I don't know where to start or what to write , actually I thought of writing these before , but couldn't write because I felt shy , awkward to open up .....anyways I thought one day i'll write for sure , today I am gonna write coz  I can't handle it , I will write today's experience too , then you might understand what pushed me to vomit all these pain .....Since my childhood I was depressed , unhappy , expect my bf stuff , I was anyway sad ....but why ??  I am an Indian girl from a so called middle class family . I grew up normally like other kids . My dad is Doctor by profession (Gynecologist ) and mom is House-wife . My dad is very hot tempered person , My dad was Hitler type , but don't think that he doesn't have heart , he loved me , my bro , I mean I feel strange (plz don't mind guys ) how one guy feel about their child , for mom its easy coz she was having that baby in her for 9 months , but what exactly a guy feels about  "MY" child ?  I am sorry if that hurts anyone , I am sorry again , anyways guys must have some feelings about their own child , so in that sense My dad surely loves us . I am actually complex coz no one thinks like that , other kid feels happy when they are given some gifts , but I am abnormal may be that I tried to find whether there is any "real" heart's attachment , or just a formality !!!  I know it's my fault to think like that . Anyways I can remember many days in my childhood , many times I saw my dad screaming at my mom , threatening my mom , and mom cried ....that became our normal life, this way our life was going on , I can remember once we had some financial trouble, I have heard several times discussion regarding that issue , not very cool discussion , dad became angry and lo of mess happened , in this way since my childhood , I understood we have problem I thought twice,  thrice , a thousand times to ask something for me , but if mom told dad -- you told we have trouble , so no one is asking anything , dad became super angry ,again blamed her.........that's what she teaches us !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    My grand mom told my dad (may be) why you guys pushed those thought in a kid's mind ?  they should ask freely , laugh freely , and naturally as a custom in my family , means my dad's family all blames are pointed to mother and if any good thing is done by her , dad feel jealous may be , didn't say anything to mom , My mom is not like other women in my country , mom is very simple , never asked a single thing to my dad in my whole life , look  , I wouldn't say dad didn't give her , but the issue is dad did all those as formality , so that no one can tell I am bad husband and dad can prove he can buy the costly thing......sigh.......all what is need in husband wife relation is understanding , I am their child , so I shouldn't comment on that....and always I saw dad very drastic about these issue , love , and all those , not a single channel was opened where two couple's are dancing or something .......as if those doesn't exists , I understand dad's view , in front of child it's okay , but dad we are not child anymore we have grown up ......I am not saying tell everything nakedly , but behaving as if those doesn't exist is not normal , I never saw mom and dad in loving mood , it's painful , they are normal (read formally normal ) , or in messed up situation . My mom's dad was gazetted officer , and mom has completed her post graduation , my tried jobs in school , according to her - I am not very much talented , but she was very sincere at her work , she got 2nd position and somewhere in 1st position in interview but due to politics issue and some other internal factor she was not called to join....she is really sincere....I don't think she is not talented , My dad is also intelligent  and dad stood first always in school , in study dad was brilliant . My mom had a huge regreat about her job , but I know my dad's mentality inside and how he feels about those girls issue , dad will always says... yes , girl should study and all , as all male believes very bottom line (more or less) , dad feels girls are basically fool , and normal dominating attitude of guys.....whenever mom says about the frustration, dad replied , then go do work , with a tone as if ...fine prove yourself ...there is nothing about proving ,,,,sigh  ......dad didn't even give normal monthly expenditure to mom , (I am not mentioning that amount , I have no idea about these money issue , never interfered even and dad also didn't want it , but now a days when my friends discussed they personally (not from mom) got a monthly expenditure from dad , I told mom that , my dad gives my mom for household purpose not even the double of the amount which my friends got for their own )  when she asked about it he replied harsh way yes , I have to maintain lot other stuff , lot other stuff ?? be specific .... I understand , mom just shocked , hurt so no word came out from her mouth , I would feel the same if I were in mom's situation .,......Mom DOESN'T spend a SINGLE RUPPE for her own , she knows how to manage with these much amount , dad doesn't give us any amount monthly , hey plz don't think we feel problem about it , we are absolutely okay , I mean those thoughts didn't came in our mind naturally , when i need anything I can ask mom or dad and they can buy that fir me , and I am allergic to RUPEE NOTES ...lol.....but when I see dad still complaining about mom and family , that make me real sad , sometimes I wonder ,,,dad you are so lucky to have a family like us , mom , me , bro never demand ANYTHING , we are normally like that , We see others even my cousin sister , they way they buy new cloths for no reason in the middle of a month without any occasion , but we never asked , we never felt i think .....still when I see dad reminding about phone bills and electric bills , I feel WTF ?? We are very much concern , I look at the right side of menu book always since childhood when we went to restaurant , no one told me anything , rather dad asked me to take lot of , but naturally everything , the whole situation from childhood made me like this , Now actually thing is we have not so much financial problem, We have good house (own house) , now have car , I mean i know there are doctors who have much more than us , and who didn't score good result may be in their academic , but what to do ? we have to accept those , I UNDERSTAND dad's frustration about this , I know dad's brilliant...and love it .....  anyways no I am living in X (sorry I am not mentioning my exact location ) , but I was born in Y (another location) , dad worked there then , now when my mom told me the amount of salary  , I was surprised !!  That was good , well very good indeed .......i mean these days 25 -30 years ago !!   But mom told me then also dad told all about problems , I don't know ........mom never disclosed those to us , but now as we two already grown up , I saw mom crying many times , one day she told me , ( I actually forgot the reason she started this discussion ) ...my dad was married and divorced......aww....I asked    what ?? who's dad ???   mom replied your dad........My ? my ? my dad ??  ....................pause....pause.......I always thought this sort of things are for movies or in stories in magazines , but I couldn't believe that is MY part of life too ??? I saw these in movies :((((((((((((((((((((      I felt the same when I heard about my ex-bf............and my dad didn't tell my mom's family and my mom that before marriage ......( look Indian people can understand this sentiment ) , that was arrange marriage ......and dad told that on the day / night ( I don't know ) of reception  !!!    That's damn bad !!!!!   That was simple using , mom was so shocked at first she never asked about that girl and anything regarding that in details , but I think mom just listened silently what dad told -- She was his college mate , that means she was doctor also ...............anyways.........dad didn't tell about this marriage to his family too , his elder bro knew that................I don't know anything about this , just what mom told me .............well , whatever.... my question is -- dad you know our culture, you knew very well , if any girl who never married and never been in any relation , of course would expect the same , she would , rather her family would reject you if you tell the truth ?? You needed to fulfill your wish anyhow ??  and you also know very well , once she got married , it's asocial issue , if she have courage to get out she have to face the social stigma of divorcee and if she want to remarry she have to marry another divorcee  ......you know the whole sentiment and that was almost 25-30 years ago............Mom told me she just accepted this marriage for her parents , but that was first shock ..............it's not that he felt sorry for not telling her , rather dad always rude rude rude , one may says guys are like that and women should accept that normally ........okay , but at least people should have soft corner as well , my dad just does the duty for society.....I KNOW it , how many times mom cried and tried suicide ? when I was in class 11  , when I was in college B.Tech 3rd year.........hmm........ Dad once  told with a knife -- I want to finish you three  ........mom always got scared the whole life , cried and dried .....I sometimes wonder what dad feels about love ....I have heard dad's words , it's nothing just we need people to survive , yeah , true , I know it ......sometimes when mom asked where are you going ? he replied ..huh ???? why ??????  as if she have no right to ask , she replied no , just simply only ...................dad told many many times You all have to listen each and every word , and be obedient , he told me i can leave you , i have no problem , may be he expected  we to be grateful as we are depending on him financially ..........sigh......How much pain one woman can feel that she can't even tell him I feel pain in back , she cried she expected that ........wanted to tell something may be........she expected ....dad asking her ...are you okay ? what's wrong ? I am here with you...............that feeling , which can be felt only ...........I think their wavelength didn't match ................As we grow up I sometimes misbehaved with her too , I am a **** , I am guilty , I have no problem to admit I am wrong , But thing is that dad never said sorry .....dad is egoist very much  , now one strange thing is dad is planning a new flat .....one day he told mom .........I am going to make a flat by my name ......I didn't understand the meaning of mentioning "my name" ....anyways he have decided to  to worship GOD 1st March , 2012..... before entering there.........Dad came to my room and "invited" me , invited all of us , mom went few times there in that new flat , dad asked , so what do you think ? Is everything okay ? any new plans for kitchen ??   mom listened all and at last replied ..no , nothing , it's fine......she thought you never asked me before planing this , I don't know actually why you did that.........and now you asks me any new plans ????? ...........strange , when mom asked why he planned such that ? he replied he needed rest there which is near to his workplace , but lol....me and my bro told mom , our house and dad's workplace is maximum 30 minutes distance , he can easily come at home ........another strange thing is that dad's another colleague also planned to buy a flat just just beside him , he talked to her very much and concerned about her very much ................naturally mom feels lot of bad things ,  why you need a flat for rest in between work ? she is unmarried , I mean his that colleague..........so naturally this thing paining her a lot , dad never listened any request of mom ........so now she is habituated with it ........I have no interest to face them , his colleague but if I wont go dad would blame mom she didn't teach me how to behave in society !!!!  ufffff..........dad .....ask me , blame me if I have done wrong ..........anyways i'll go there  and after the puja  i'll go to University lab , I wont stay there up to lunch ......... I have work to do........there is no balance between his words , here he behaves in one way , outside another way.........I think dad don't like me studying Engineering too , but in a way he liked.....he loved to show that to relatives ....but I have heard dad telling his elder bro --  the most wrong decision was admitting in engineering , I asked her to study in Botany in a _____  College  (that was girls college , BTW I love that college because that college was founded by the same person who founded my school ) , I loved that girls college....but didn't like to study Botany .......dad told this because one guy from mechanical department stalked me the whole times , one day he came to my house to meet me , he told my mom , I love her......blah...blah.......and gave mom a pen and told he thought it's my pen which I left in class ( That was not actually my pen ).......[you can read the story of mine for details under the group I had a Stalker ] my dad told a lot of bad words after that .........blamed mom , for no reason ....I know whatever i'll do good mom wont be praised , but whatever i'll do bad mom would be tortured......that's what I hate it , dad blamed mom that she gave us (me and my bro) lot of negativity so that we didn't want to be doctor........ohhhh......this is simply blind blaming !!  Ii's just my choice and same for my bro , and mom said let them study what they want to study..............that was her fault ???  Dad knew very well I felt so disgusting when I had to do dissection of frog at 11th grade .......I felt like yak !!  I have some interest in medical science , but as a profession ....no !!  I KNOW it's not that I hate dad's profession , but idk how dad started to feel that we all hated his work........!!!     Mom even said , I got hurt from all you three , I am not gonna tell you what I had to face in my in-laws house after marriage , I'll never tell anyone , I didn't tell my own mom and dad (my grandma and grandpa ) coz they would get hurt .....now I expect nothing from you , I know you all will be happy when i'll die , your dad can marry also.....and started crying..............Mom told it was wrong decision about marriage.......dad generally doesn't tell anything like that in front of us , but mom told few weeks ago one day he admitted too  -- that was wrong decision   !!!!!    I asked did he ?? really ??   .I know he believes it , but admitting from his mouth ????   I didn't expect that ...........I want to die too , I hate this whole stuff , let's end this , dad can still have fun with his friends can go to visit new place , but we are so shocked , numb , feel we have had enough in this world...lets end it.....I want peace