Ruining My Relationship With Tears And Blame.
I've always had anxiety
issues, for as long as I could remember. Panic attacks and brief periods of depression. I was on medication at some point, but decided I didn't like who it was turning me into. i ultimately just stopped taking it, and would deal with my panic attacks in my own way and would just ride out the breif periods of depression, knowing it would pass soon. I got married when I was 19, gave it a good 8 years. I was completely ignored in the marriage, so much so that if I were to let him tend to his business, he would "reward" me with a vacation at the end of the year. He accepted a new job 5 hours away from our home, and instead of uplifting our whole life (I have a business) he decided to move there, and visit me on the weekends. I was very opposed, as I didn't really see the benefit, he guaranteed me it was the best decision for our future, but even with keeping that in mind, I eventually stopped missing him when he was gone. I found myself being more happy when I was living my own life, as opposed to living as his wife. Eventually, I told him I was done, that I didn't miss him. Of course, I was the one to blame, accused of cheating. Not that I was the perfect wife, I gave up at some point. Went on auto pilot. It's a decision I've never regretted, leaving him that is. I was tired of being lonely. After awhile, I started dating. A whole, new, and crazy experience for me. I was with my ex since the age of 16. Long story short, had a lot of fun, dated a lot of frogs, and at some point my high ended, the loneliness started to kick in, but I remained hopeful that if, despite my loneliness, I didn't settle for the next best thing, that I would be the happiest I'd ever been. I would meet my Prince Charming if I kissed enough frogs. Sure enough, my day came. We met online, a dating site to be exact. E-mails and text the first few days, and his text would just make me gleam. We met and it was love at first sight. He was perfect. Funny, charming, witty, goofy, and most important he was in awe of me. Not to sound conceited, but a girl can tell. Our fifth date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. A bit high school, but I didn't care, I didnt want to be with anyone else. After a bit hesitation, was still a little guarded when it came to my heart, I smiled and happily agreed. Everyday was amazing, not long after, I heard the three words that made my to stomache do back flips (in a good way). I had truly felt I met the love of my life, I had never been so in love, so high on life. He called me his princess, and sent flowers to my work, he loved my dogs, he folded my clothes, did the dishes, cooked dinner, drew my bath, always made sure I had something to drink, introduced me to the family, helped with my business, called me beautiful everyday, flew us to Hawaii, I could go on. He knew about my anxiety attacks, and reassured me that everything was ok, and that I wasn't a freak for feeling the way I did. I would still have my very brief times of depression, hiding it as best I could. They would pass, and I'd be back to my perfect life. Right before our one year, we decided to buy a house. We found a builder and picked out every little detail. It was our perfect home. The only downfall in our relationship was his job. He's a flight attendant, and is gone on average 3 nights a week. He worked in the office when we first met, and this was a big change for me. I panicked at first, rehashing my prior marriage. Not that there was any comparison, but nonetheless, I worried. We skyped when he was away at his hotels. I cried at first, but found it was a little easier with every trip he was gone. As the relationship went on, he started to get a little comfortable, not saying he didn't love me as much, but he definitely started doing less and less things that made him my Prince Charming in the first place. When he used to fly, he'd come home and every second was dedicated to me, including when I was at my business. After awhile, he started to just hang out at a home when I was at work, spending more time with his friends. Which, obviously, is nothing horrible, but it made me worry that he was starting to "get over" me. And I started to feel lonely, and upset. I felt threatened that my perfect life was changing. I started to think I was losing his interest, and became jealous of the people who he was flying with. Some of the crews had attractive younger girls. And I started to feel lonely again, letting my imagination get the best of me. I got depressed, and started blaming him for it. I decided to talk to him, let him know about this issue ive been having with our relationship. I explained that I was being a bit sensitive but that I was feeling depressed. I just needed him to tell me that I was still his world, that I was the only thing that mattered to him. That I was the first thing he thought of when he woke up and the last thing before bed. Instead I got a confession. Totally not what you're thinking, he's been nothing but faithful. He told me that he was concerned about our relationship because I was still in the honeymoon stage and he wasn't. Keep in mind, my boyfriend is 27, his longest relationship prior to me was 9 months, she broke his heart. I guess the fact that he wasn't AS crazy about me than when we started to date. He was worried that his feelingsfor me would keep digressing. Now in my normal state, I would've reassured him that that was normal, but that as long as he still loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, we were going to be ok. But I was depressed, feeling like a 2. In my mind, I heard "we should break up, because I'm not sure if ill still love you in 2 weeks". I wanted to die inside. I couldnt breathe. I balled, asked him if breaking up was something he wanted to do. He cried and told me no, that he loved me, and that he was just scared. I felt like I was having a nightmare. My life was perfect a month ago, I was in bliss with the love of my life, and we were talking about breaking up. I managed to get myself together, and tell him as long as he was in love with me, we could get through anything. He told me he felt better for talking it out, he had started to feel guilty for not being in honeymoon stage. He felt better, I felt like I had died a little more inside. I felt broken, playing the whole thing out in my mind. How did it go that far? Did he really want to break up and felt sorry for me at the last minute? Every negative thought came to my mind, spiraling me down into a deeper depression. He was supposed to fly the next day, he got out of his trip after I pleaded with him. I couldn't stand to be apart after that. The next day I had the worst feeling in my stomache. Obsessing about the conversation, trying to see if there was more to it. He reassured me that we were good. He apologized for letting it get that far, and I started to feel some normalcy again. A couple days passed, he didn't spend all day with me at work, but he brought lunch, and made dinner for me when I got home. My next day off, we spent the day together, and it felt honest. I was starting to get out of my funk, but I still wasn't out of the woods. That night before dinner, he randomly picked up a trip last minute, so he could fly with his friend. It was a whole 3 days. I was so mad. I felt like he was choosing his friend over me. I mean just a few days prior, we almost broke up! I was still recovering. I promise I'm not a drama queen, I'm just extremely insecure when I'm depressed. I was so mad, I still am when I think about it. He left this morning. I cried all day, wondering why it was so had for him to pick me. He flew all day, so I wasn't able to talk to him until late tonight. We sent text, I told him via text that not to worry but we needed to sort some things out when he got home and that I loved him. He wanted to know what, and I told him I wasn't happy, but that I wanted to figure it out, with him. We briefly talked tonight, I cried, still torn from the other night. He said he didn't want to discuss it over the phone, he wanted to work it out face to face, plus his friend was coming to his room to meet up for drinks. This phone call wasn't a surprise. I was still a little angry about him picking up the trip. I really need him now. I know I don't think rational when I'm in these stages nod I feel like I'm pushing him away. Is this all me or is he to blame for any of this?