Im Lost

It's hard to stop, almost impossible, and quiet honestly I'm not sure if I want to. I guess it's my own way of releasing everything that I'm feeling inside, ignoring memories. There are these times when i just feel, I don't know, like I'm going crazy and I just have no control, I just need that feeling.  I guess you could say it's an addicting feeling.

I just cant help but crave the way the blade slices my skin and then watch as the blood runs down my arms and legs. Making my body go numb from all the horrible things in my life. For once all the bad memories of my brother abusing someone over and over leaves my mind, or thoughts that knowing my moms only happy when I'm doing something she wants is gone.The memories of him telling me to touch him leaves my head.  That wonderful feeling, of everything being released, making me feel numb, all caused my a simple blade. That craving increases everyday, the feeling only lasting so long.  Everything in my head is starting to kill me, that i just don't know what to do. I feel like yelling, I'm going insane, I cut myself until I feel no pain.  

I know I should stop, but I just have no control over it. Its something I crave, something I need. To be honest this need scares the crap out of me. But there's no stopping it. I don't want them to know, but there's a small part of me that wants someone to know just so I wont feel so alone.  People think they know me, but they don't have a clue. They don't know me at all, and I'm not sure if I even know myself. I'm just so confused, I don't know what to do.

kristi12355 kristi12355
18-21, F
Mar 3, 2010