I'm sorry-I seem to be saying those two words a lot lately, mostly in my mind. I wish I could say them to the people who deserve to hear it. The ones I care about....I've hurt them so much and I know they hate me. That may seem like too big of a statement to them, but the bottom line is its true. Sure they love me, but they no longer like me. I don't blame them for hating me, because I hate myself. I see myself turning into a monster. I'm a *****. My mother and I are no longer close and I don't understand why. She continues to say I love you and of course I return it, but I don't think she believes me. I don't know what I can do to prove to her that I do. In fact I'm not sure what to do anymore. I can smile and they make jokes and say stupid things like wow she can actually do that? I know they're joking, but it hurts all the same. They don't understand that I'm always fighting in this never ending battle between myself. They misjudge my looks. They misjudge my words. And they misjudge my actions. I just want to be seen as the nice caring girl that I am inside. Instead I'm seen as the moody screw up that everyone walks on egg shells around. I still don't blame them for I have hurt them. Maybe it would be best if I had been the one to have never been born. I don't have anything to really offer this world. Yet I can't bring myself to leave. I guess I'm just too selfish. I've been told I don't smile enough, but that's not true. They're just never around when I do smile. They make me smile almost as much as a beautiful surrounding scenery or just knowing that somehow everything will be alright. I'm not happy, but I'm content. I'm content enough to keep going on even through the days I really don't want to. Mom says I critize people, but it's not for the reason she thinks. She thinks I'm turning into my grandmother, but honestly it's an entirely different reason. You see I'm afraid. Afraid of outsiders coming into my life, because I know they won't take the time to see past the moodiness, because I won't let them see the real me. Because the real me is holding on by a thread and there's no one there to catch me if I let go. Someone once said that love is only for the brave and the lucky. I'm neither so where does that leave me to go? Mom doesn't understand how hard it is for me to open up. I'm scared to. I opened up once and the person no longer treated me the same afterward. I know I sound like I'm complaining and this is all me me me, but this is just....I don't know....Maybe I should stop thinking so much....But that's just it I'm trying to think of others by saying sorry. Guilt has my heart in a vice grip and it won't let go. Maybe I don't want it to. Maybe if I allow the guilt to go that would be allowing everything to go and I'd never be able to speak again, because everyone would feel sorry for me. I don't need them to feel sorry for me. I need them to understand that I do love them. I don't care what happens to myself as long as they are safe, because there is one person who should be safe and is not. I failed her and I'm trying so hard to never fail again. But I'm afraid I may be losing.
NeverTrulyWanted NeverTrulyWanted
22-25, F
Aug 17, 2014