You don't notice much about me anymore. I'm your daughter. You should be the first to see what's wrong. But you don't. You don't see the despair in my eyes or the tears on my face. You hardly listen when I speak to you and I only repeat myself if it's important or I feel like it. You call me names. Hateful. *****. Mean. And I know you do so, because it's true. I am those words. I wish you could see the kind and confused, broken person I am on the inside. I'm not strong anymore. I feel weak, not because of you. Because? I'm not sure. I can't blame the world that's too cliched. Haha. I don't know why I feel weak, I just know I do. I wish you could see what I'm becoming, but I don't want to cause you more pain, because that part of me is broken, weary, untrusting, and very submissive. I'm tired and that's what makes me want to no longer fight, but I know I have to to stay alive. I can't die, not now. What you see as hateful and cruel is really just a mask that I have learned to keep up so when the rug is swept out from underneath my feet I can still get up, because I have that mask to hide behind. I don't like it either, but I don't really have a choice. I haven't been alive for very long, but I already have a dismal view of how people live the way we do. Yes we as Americans are privileged to many things and I thank god I don't live in a suffering country with so little to survive on and I also pray for those who do. They didn't ask to live where they are, just like the middle class such as us didn't ask to live here. It frustrates me to know that I am on this race track of forever working for another. It sickens me to grovel to a complete stranger for a small amount of money or a day off to spend time with my family. To work as a slave to someone else's needs only to die and be forgotten. I'm not asking for much just for better. I realized at a very young age that this world will crush anything that's considered pure. This world considers nice as weakness. That's why I must hide, to not only protect myself, but you as well. I am not normal. I don't think properly. I can't retain information correctly. There is something wrong. And it makes me feel awfully sad. Dad once said that if I kept crying I'd make myself sick. And maybe I have. It's hard for me to cry when the timing is right. I'm starting to cry at inappropriate times and I don't know why. I do know that since I can't cry to the point of sleeping anymore I become more and more tense. My jaw starts to hurt and I get a major headache. I've seen an image of the me that can become-through a dream-and she's really thin, bruised, heartbroken, weak, and very tired. This image is starting to break through the mask and I'm afraid it will be the ending result. It may take a few years to happen, but once that part of me takes control you'll be wishing for the mask, because at least behind the mask I still retain some spirit. If the mask completely falls and the weak side of me is victorious I-Courtney, the girl that was originally placed before the mask and way before the weakness- will be long gone. I will be locked away in the mind of the weakness forever enslaved to another or on a more tragic note I shall be dead.
NeverTrulyWanted NeverTrulyWanted
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 17, 2014

I could feel the emotion when reading this.
I'm sorry about your suffering but you are an excellent writer :)

Thank you

It's like reading my own diary. I can relate on so many levels. But please know that there is something gravely wrong with society and the way people behave and being terribly upset about it shows there is not something wrong with you there is something very right with you.

I've learned there are many evil things in this world and I've been both blessed and cursed with a caring heart and free thinking mind. There's much to be fixed in this world. I just hope I'm not the only one who isn't blind to these cruel infractions.

You're not there's me and others too

That's a relief to know