I Wish I Understood My Feelings.

I cant stop thinking about this girl Jo, i have known her for 4 years already, but these feelings seem to have popped up only over the last 6 months or so. I know its a cliché, (and I HATE clichés, I feel a cliché is an affront to reality) but the first moment I met her, I knew there was something different about her. I am usually quite shy, especially with women, its not that I don't get on with them, its that I fear getting shot down even once, but that day I didn't seem to worry. She was hugging a friend of mine and I just walked up to her and asked "and where is my hug" to my amazement, I got one :)

I seemed to develop a strong friendship with her straight away, she was just so... there isn't even a word for it, you just find yourself caring a whole lot for her, like your soul recognises the presence of something so good that its worth protecting. She is kind, intelligent, and infinitely caring, she has a kind-of hippy thing going, she says things like groovy, wears colourful clothes and hugs strangers. She has an infectious smile, plays several instruments, and loves to sing.

After leaving for university, she was one of only 3 school friends i kept in touch with, even then i couldn't stand to let her down. About a year ago, i was pushing myself way too hard, barely eating or sleeping, and i became ill, one morning i woke up and didn't even have the strength to role out of bed. It took me all day to work up the strength to go less than 100 meters down the road to the campus medical centre (yes my university is so big it has its own roads and mini hospital). The doctor said that my immune system was struggling to fight off a minor illness, that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be noticeable and prescribed antibiotics, and after ALL this, despite my doctors complaints, the very next day, i forced myself to travel over 130 miles, via 2 buses, 2 trains and the London underground, just to attend her birthday party, spending £40 on the trip, £30 on a card half my height and an extra £30 pounds on a present, just to travel back to university a couple of days later.

Recently however (over the last year) i have been kinda down, well, more than down, REALLY down. I am barely ever happy any more, i have lost interest in everything i used to enjoy, my family and friends just seem to annoy me, im riddled with self doubt and dislike almost everything about myself, and then to compound it all, my best friend of 9 years died a week before my birthday (in jan 2010)

So now it's the summer holiday, and i am back from uni for quite a while. I was feeling so bad that i didn't even leave the house for the first week. Then i see Jo, she is smiling and happy to see me, and for the first time in months, i am not worrying about my problems or how pointless everything feels, i am just happy to see her.

Since then, i have been thinking about her more and more, when i am away from her i feel miserable and down like i used to, but when i am with her i feel happy, and have a purpose again, like i live to see her happy. Her singing isn't perfect, she occasionally doesn't quite hit the right note, or strains to reach a low note, but that just seems to add to it, i could spend days listening to her sing (and once or twice i have*), and never get tired of hearing her voice, it is possibly the most beautiful thing i have ever heard. When she asks me to do something, no matter what it is, i cant say no, i sometimes spend all day editing together video of her singing, or finding a way to download the 1 (embedded) recording of her oldest song from the internet and turn it into an iphone ring tone** just so to see her smile when she hears it. When im with her, i just want to hold her close. And at the end of the day, i cant resist walking her all the way home after ever pub meet or day in London, even when im not the only one who went. Now i cant spend a single day away from her without missing her.

I just want to tell her how i feel, that's she is all i think about or care about any more, that i would do anything for her, but i know she doesn't feel the same way about me, she is far too open and honest a person to not tell someone how she feels. And worst of all, i have begun to question myself. I haven't got over my best friends death yet, and i have started worrying that i don't really love her, that after my best friends death, i am just terrified of losing the last person in this world that i really like. (i never really liked my family) and that makes me scared that these feelings might go away. All i want is to feel the way i do about her, and to have those feelings returned.

* She is performing little gigs here and there, and i edited a 30 minute video of her singing into individual songs, then learned to use adobe premier and various sound editing programs so i could try to root out the background noise and improve the image quality, all the while listening to the 30 minute video on repeat, and i never did get tired of hearing it.

** Which was much more difficult than it sounds considering it was embedded on the page, and my computer's sound card cant do "what you hear" and my iphone was refusing to accept custom ringtones
djpanda djpanda
18-21, M
8 Responses Aug 10, 2010

they didn't im permanently friend-zoned...

cute and also sad. hope things work out,

Its not like Jo has a boyfriend, she has no one to stop her, she just doesn't want me as any more than a friend.<br />
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For her nothing has changed, but for me, i am vulnerable, i have told her my feelings, i never do that, when i tell someone my feelings i always lie, but for once i told the absolute truth, and i got nothing for it.<br />
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Every time i look at her and know i cant hold her, know she doesn't want me to, its like someone has died. Like i want to scream inside.

i know exactly how u feel i'm going through the same thing i hate myself more than it seems possible and love this girl more than i have ever thought possible. It took me forever to tell her how i felt and even when i tried i kept stuttering until she said she knew i was in love with her. She said she loves me as a friend and thats all. THe worst part is her boyfriend who she loves is 6 years older than her. i know he makes her happy but i cant stop caring the wy i do about her.....but more than i want her is i want her to be happy no matter what.<br />
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So if u feel the way about that u do then its likely she already knew how u felt. so dont feel so stupid for telling her

well, i told her, not everything, that would have taken all night, but how i still "like" her after 4 years, and how it isnt some stupid crush any more, how its something more, how i usually feel heavy and sad beneath everything i feel, and she makes that go away, and how i would do absolutely anything just to see her smile.<br />
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It was a disaster, she, in her usual perfect way, let me down as gently as she could, telling me she wasn't looking for that kind of relationship, and how this wouldn't ruin our friendship, etc.<br />
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I wanted to scream at myself for at least half an hour afterwards. How could i have been so stupid and TOLD her!?!?!

I just spent the day with her, no large group of friends, no James, just me and her, this has been one of the happiest days i remember having in a LONG time, at times i could barely stop myself from kissing her. We chatted, we went along to a mini gig thing she had this evening, we even danced a bit, and i never dance.<br />
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She makes me feel like i can do anything, im a completely different person with her, a happy person.<br />
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I dont know about love, love is just a word, but she makes me feel amazing, she makes me feel so happy i can barely hold it in, she makes me happy inside, not just on the surface, like she can drive off the sadness i have been feeling for so long.

I don't believe that comment that you have to love yourself to love others, i actively hate myself, and i already explained how i feel about her.

it's not a prerequisite to love yourself in order to love another- but what you're essentially saying is that she makes you happy, and without her you hate yourself. that's a LOT of pressure on her. which is what that saying means- love yourself first. know yourself. etc.

Sweetie, life is a risk. But if you don't live it, you're not living.<br />
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What is the worst thing that can happen? Maybe she doesn't feel the same way. But you know what? Maybe she does.<br />
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So if she doesn't, then at least you know you had the courage and love for self to take the chance. And ultimately you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. If she doesn't, then you know that the next time someone does come along, and they will, it will be easier for you to be honest about your feelings.<br />
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And maybe she does, and she is feeling the same way you do. But you will never know unless you try!