I Wish I Understood My Feelings.I cant stop thinking about this girl Jo, i have known her for 4 years already, but these feelings seem to have popped up only over the last 6 months or so. I know its a cliché, (and I HATE clichés, I feel a cliché is an affront to reality) but the first moment I met her, I knew there was something different about her. I am usually quite shy, especially with women, its not that I don't get on with them, its that I fear getting shot down even once, but that day I didn't seem to worry. She was hugging a friend of mine and I just walked up to her and asked "and where is my hug" to my amazement, I got one :)
I seemed to develop a strong friendship with her straight away, she was just so... there isn't even a word for it, you just find yourself caring a whole lot for her, like your soul recognises the presence of something so good that its worth protecting. She is kind, intelligent, and infinitely caring, she has a kind-of hippy thing going, she says things like groovy, wears colourful clothes and hugs strangers. She has an infectious smile, plays several instruments, and loves to sing.
After leaving for university, she was one of only 3 school friends i kept in touch with, even then i couldn't stand to let her down. About a year ago, i was pushing myself way too hard, barely eating or sleeping, and i became ill, one morning i woke up and didn't even have the strength to role out of bed. It took me all day to work up the strength to go less than 100 meters down the road to the campus medical centre (yes my university is so big it has its own roads and mini hospital). The doctor said that my immune system was struggling to fight off a minor illness, that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be noticeable and prescribed antibiotics, and after ALL this, despite my doctors complaints, the very next day, i forced myself to travel over 130 miles, via 2 buses, 2 trains and the London underground, just to attend her birthday party, spending £40 on the trip, £30 on a card half my height and an extra £30 pounds on a present, just to travel back to university a couple of days later.
Recently however (over the last year) i have been kinda down, well, more than down, REALLY down. I am barely ever happy any more, i have lost interest in everything i used to enjoy, my family and friends just seem to annoy me, im riddled with self doubt and dislike almost everything about myself, and then to compound it all, my best friend of 9 years died a week before my birthday (in jan 2010)
So now it's the summer holiday, and i am back from uni for quite a while. I was feeling so bad that i didn't even leave the house for the first week. Then i see Jo, she is smiling and happy to see me, and for the first time in months, i am not worrying about my problems or how pointless everything feels, i am just happy to see her.
Since then, i have been thinking about her more and more, when i am away from her i feel miserable and down like i used to, but when i am with her i feel happy, and have a purpose again, like i live to see her happy. Her singing isn't perfect, she occasionally doesn't quite hit the right note, or strains to reach a low note, but that just seems to add to it, i could spend days listening to her sing (and once or twice i have*), and never get tired of hearing her voice, it is possibly the most beautiful thing i have ever heard. When she asks me to do something, no matter what it is, i cant say no, i sometimes spend all day editing together video of her singing, or finding a way to download the 1 (em
I just want to tell her how i feel, that's she is all i think about or care about any more, that i would do anything for her, but i know she doesn't feel the same way about me, she is far too open and honest a person to not tell someone how she feels. And worst of all, i have begun to question myself. I haven't got over my best friends death yet, and i have started worrying that i don't really love her, that after my best friends death, i am just terrified of losing the last person in this world that i really like. (i never really liked my family) and that makes me scared that these feelings might go away. All i want is to feel the way i do about her, and to have those feelings returned.
* She is performing little gigs here and there, and i edited a 30 minute video of her singing into individual songs, then learned to use adobe premier and various sound editing programs so i could try to root out the background noise and improve the image quality, all the while listening to the 30 minute video on repeat, and i never did get tired of hearing it.
** Which was much more difficult than it sounds considering it was em