Once again, I should be asleep. But instead I am awake... Thinking about him, as usual.
I almost cried. But I keep telling myself I don't cry over him anymore.
What is wrong with me? We broke up years and years ago. And still, there he is. Haunting me.
Maybe it would have been better if I had just cut him from my life. But I couldn't do it. It seemed so important to him that we remained friends. And part of me is glad that he is still, somewhat, in my life. But it's not enough. I have never loved anyone in this way. Not even the father of my child ... Though, it was easier to ignore these feelings when we were together. But as soon as I realised I didn't love him (my sons father) anymore, I haven't been able to silence these feelings. I used to be able to. I got so good at pretending I was over him I often believed it to be true. Then I would have a dream, or would hear a song and I would be right there. Right back to where I was before I met my sons father.
Since I returned to my home town in May, I have spoken to this man more than I have done in years. And he is just as amazing as I thought he was then. When I saw him a few weeks ago, I felt so ... At ease. Being around him is intoxicating. I adore everything about this man. But it's his smile that gets me. It always has been. I used to say that I melted every time he smiled at me. And he loved that. He'd smile, and then say 'aaaahhh, melt' and we'd laugh. I wonder if he remembers ... I expect he doesn't.
I expect he doesn't even think of me as his 'ex'. I'm probably just a 'friend from college'.
He loved me, I know he did. But we were so young. And the timing was so wrong.
I need to believe there is more to come for us. Because, if there isn't, I'll never be truly happy. Because deep down I will always love him more than I could love another. And what sort of life is that? I've already tried to settle. And look where that's got me?

Maybe I should erase him from my life. But I can't stand the thought of never talking to him again. He's such a lovely person.
Stupid, stupid brain!
ImpossibleHeart ImpossibleHeart
31-35, F
Sep 1, 2014