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The Nightmares And Memories Dont Stop

i became a rape victim on September 24, 2011. I was 14 at the time and now i am 15. The longer since it happened the worse it controls me. I am afraid of men. Even their touch makes me tense and want to cry. I have nightmares almost every night. Either a close friend of mine rapes me in them or my attacker does in my dreams. I see his face when i am sleeping almost every night.. I went to a psyciatric hospital for the 2nd time in hopes that it would help me with the memories. It hasnt though. I cry most nights becuase the memories dont fade away.. they are always clear in my mind and i fear that they always will be.. I feel disgusted by what happened and i feel like no one believes me or likes me becuase they think im a lying **** and that it is all my fualt. I know deep down that that is not the case with everyone, but there are a few people at my school who say things like that about me.. everyone tells me to jsut forget about it and that it is jsut the past.. i try so hard to forget but it wont go away.. I just want the memories to disappear.. i dont want to deal with the pain anymore.. I feel exuasted all the time becuase the smallest thought of that day drains everything out of me and i jsut go to sleep.. but even my sleep isnt a sanctuary.. i want to go and hide but i can never hide from what happened.. my attacker will forget about it and go on with his life but i will always be stuck on september 24th..
autumnb1 autumnb1 13-15, F 8 Responses Apr 17, 2012

Your Response


I have a solution for your condition...

It will get better. The memory will never go away, but rape doesnt ruin you life. Stay strong.

i know how your feeling i feel like i,am caught in 2009 when i was raped and i haved nightmares when it frist happened to me and my therpist is telling me to move on but i can,t letgo of what happened to me in 2009 eitheir sow stay strong you make it through

I think one day you will meet a man which will make you forget about this. Trust me not all men are evil I promise. I know he will understand what you went through and if you trust one of your male friends and close maybe you should talk to him about it. Maybe, he will make you understand and make you feel way better. Trust me everything happened for a reason don't live your life freaked out. You can break that fear in you. (:

oh hun I feel for you if you read my story you will understand what I am about to say a lot better the pain and nightmares never go it has been 7years when I was first raped and almost 2 years when a friend of mine raped me and left me caring his child hun the only thing I can say is sleeping will always be hard trusting man will be hard but one day you will be able to trust man even if it is just 1man that's all it takes to bid you up on step at a time and with the nightmares try natural ways over the drugs doctors give you the have bad side affects TRUST ME ON THAT ONE people who truly love you will help you yes they might not believe you but that is one of the stages people/parents go through this is one way it can go<br /><br />
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I don't believe you what did I do why could I have not protected you I'm sorry I did not believe you we will get through this together. This is what most family/friends do its a process they need to go through just like you need to process everything as well.<br /><br />
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Or in the worse case after you tell them they still wount believe you mum family did not and still don't believe me but there are other people in the world who do hun I believe your family/friends will believe you if you need to talk in box me xox

I was raped 1st when I was 7. It never goes away it has made me who I am. I know there is a reason God let me get hurt so much. as an adult in my 30s now I just want to know when I get to know why. I am strong on the outside but on the inside Im still healing. I wasted much of my youth trying to take control never making true friends. I want to stop being alone. I have found that once I let go of my hate the tears came less often. Once I stopped trying to make people make me better that the memories came less often. My advice that I wish someone had told me was hate makes him win, saddness makes him win, fear makes him win beat him be you not his victim WIN. You are strong you survived WIN.

Wow really amazing...

I know exactly how you feel, I was raped when I was 14, now 18 and it has only gotten worse, it has affected my whole life.. Iv had 4 jobs since I left school 2 years ago and I lost them due to my mental health, I told my brothers mrs a few days after the assault who made me go to the police, it was the right thing to do but it didn't go to court until last year (3 years after my assault), seeing them in court was the hardest thing I had ever done and it brang all the memories back up (not that they ever left my mind), I have pushed the pain an emotions aside for soo long to the point that I just can't take it anymore, the emotions that have come with it are horrifying and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, I had to grow up a lot and moved towns and still I have the fear of seeing them or it happening again, counciling really has helped me try and trust people again but I just can't seem to get my head around what happened, the night of November 25th 2008 I lost my innocence and security, that's something no-one will ever give me back, people say they understand my pain but no-one does, no-one can ever really understand what we have gone through.. The only thing we can do is hope for a better future, hope that it doesn't happen again, I just want my life back, I want to be able to sleep again, I want to be able to get a job like a normal person, it's hard and has gotten harder as iv gotten older but I still have hope..<br />
Hang in there

I can relate to this in every way shape and form. I'm 21 now and my assault happened to me when I was 16 by someone I knew and trusted. I will tell you that the flashbacks you have come and go but they never will stop its a daily struggle for me to not let them ruin my everyday life. The best thing I could suggest for you even though it will be hard at 1st but incredibly rewarding in the end is go to the police and file a report. I didn't because I was afraid of what everyone would think but honestly they won't be around forever. The guy that raped you should be held accountable and because you were under 16 it will go through as a felony I'm guessing 2nd degree sexual assault of a child. It means prison time. I waited for 5 years to come forward to the police and I even did a 1 way consent phone call wich had him admitting to it. We switched DAs and she dropped due to lack of evidence. By going forward sooner means you have a better chance of recovery and leading a more fulfilling life. I go to post traumatic stress therapy now and I also go to an adult survivors group some of the women in my group had it happen to them over 30 years ago and are still haunted by flashbacks. But having support from people who went through similar situations really helps in my recovery. Also by reporting sooner you have a higher chance of getting crime victim compensation wich helps with therapy for your recovery. In addition the people you go to school with don't want to believe you and blame you ( like they blamed and didn't believe me) because people in general don't like to believe in bad things and by saying you are lying it makes them feel safer wich actually makes it worse for everybody. Don't tell friends trust me after high school they won't be there go to someone who knows how to properly handle something like this( teachers don't really care either I have noticed... Read my story and you will get a better understanding) your family will be around forever no matter what and proffesionals who are paid to care for the greater good are also helpful.

Thank you so much for commenting. i have gone to the police. i finally went to a teacher 3 months after it happened. and i agree that they dont really care. the school shared my story with staff and called my parents to tell them what happened. knowing the flashbacks ans such wont stop isnt something im looking forward to but i appriciate you taking the time to give me advice. I started coming on here to listen to what other people who have gone through sexual assualt becuase no one i know really understands what happened and how its hard to just forget about. again thank you, i plan on reading your story.