I Find It Hard To Believe ...

when i see reports on the news that a certain rape vic tells that they can't remember anything....

what happened that night... even though i was drunk .. i can remember...
maybe my fault... but i have to live...
almost a decade now but i remember...

i was in my 3rd college way back in 2004, just had my first baby with my ex.....  it would only take me another year to finish my studies ... 
me and some of my classmates we're trying to raise fund for some  school activities within the college department ..
we need to get all the support of the alumni for that event... some of them we're able to get through the SAF... elite policemen ...
we were able to contact several alumni and agreed to talk matters while having dinner in a nearby restaurant...
it really makes me feel uncomfortable when one of the alumni are looking at me in a weird way.. (i don't know what's the proper term)

i wasn't able to prevent the group to go inside a bar ... after having that dinner.. 
all of us were drinking same beer from the same barrel.. 
but i got "really drunk" .... 

that alumni offered to take me home to where i live...
the other members of the group agreed since i only live  not that far from that bar.. 
but the car went the other way.

i remember entering that place with him..
and everything in my sight's  turning over...
i didn't drink that much but i was feeling  really drunk ..... 
i was thinking.. what if i run..what  if he runs after me .. 
i was trying to hold on to the door knob.. 
for i was feeling falling on the floor as i was looking after that gun ..
he was by the side of that bed placing that gun on top of the table beside that bed.

the only thing that's going through my mind was if that gun fires.. i'm dead...
what about my child... my parents.. and everyone that cares for me...

he did things to me.. made me do things on him...
saying things to me.. and i was just blank...

everything after that was a total mess..

 i need to finish my studies then... 
but i was deeply hurting and deteriorating..
 i asked for an advise from one of my classmates that time...
she suspects that something must've gotten to what i drank that night...

the event came.. and everything went to naught when that alumni is having that look in his face whenever i was around..
maybe i was scared then... as i was still right now.. just don't want to see him again...
as i went pass by him... he said.. " i will wait for you in the front desk of recruitment " ...
i was left speechless. and firmly grinding my teeth.

it came to a point that i became so heartless...
blaming myself.. hating myself.. i gorged into eating a lot....
the thought that maybe if i don't look as good as before no one would do things like that to me again...

my ex that time ... i feel soo sorry for him... broke down as soon as he knew about what happened to me.. until now... he can't get over with it.. though we never really had any plans planned... but he is another story that really wrecks my sanity...
he retaliated with having a relationship with another girl... and we broke up... and in that.. half of fault was mine..
he wanted custody over my child ... but i can't give her to him... she's all  have now..

i wasn't able to finish school.. i worked .. i have to... have to support my child...
i never really learned trusting any of them again...

...
 i have to live with it... maybe my fault.. but i don't have all the time in the world hating myself. i need to take care of myself.. for my daughter...