Cant Believe I Loved My Rapist

~sorry this is long~

hi i was raped by someone who was ment to love and protect long term boyfriend, well ex now.

me and my ex started dating and quickly fell in love, we were inseperable, and our sex life was great tbh, but one night i remember falling asleep fully clothed cuddling in his arms and i woke up about an hour later with nothing on. he said i did it myself, and i believed him. afew days later i went to sleep in bed with him and once i was asleep he started playing with me, and later raped me, then he woke me up saying he was worried about me because he said i was saying no leave me alone in my sleep and cuddled me but somthing was wrong with him and about an hour later he told me he raped me.

i was blinded by love and forgave him.

this happened again and again in over 2 years it happened 36 times. and thats with just the sex, im not sure about other times because i dont think he told me every time.
also in this time he ripped me on afew ocasions and i believe he only told me what he did because i neaded stiching. and also i became pregnant once due to him raping me and he caused me to lose the child.

i woke up during this few times, and he told me i was dreaming or just carried on with me telling him to get off me.

he said hes discusted in himself but if he was then he wouldnt of kept doing it would he?

he was also emotionally abusive too thretening to kill himself if i left him and always smashing things up and hitting walls.

i cant stop thinking about it i cry myself to sleep and when i do sleep my dreams are about it, and im going deaper and deaper into depression.

i have a new boyfriend, we are taking things slow and he knows that my ex raped me, and he wants to kill him but im scared that he is expecting me to have sex soon and i dont think i can im not comfortable yett with that, im sorry this is long but i needed to get things off my chest im soo down and i dont really know what to do.

justthatgirlallli justthatgirlallli
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 7, 2012

Are you just a heavy sleeper or did he drug you? If her ripped you to the point of needing stitching, I imagine the sex was rough & possibly violent. How could you sleep through that? Or were you pretending to sleep while enduring your rapes?