My Secret Kept Me SickIt is a very difficult thing to talk about. Especially after blaming myself for it. I was afraid that others would judge and blame me too. And so, I stayed silent. I thought that I would be safe if I kept quiet about it. I was wrong. My rape happened 5 years ago and every single day, it haunts me. I had nightmares and flashbacks. I couldn't bury the memory of it deep enough. I tried to ignore and deny it ever happening. Even hid it from my best friends, my support groups, my family, my therapist. Somehow, I was able to hide it from myself. In a way that it seemed more like a dream than reality. I was so afraid to hear those words from others "you shouldn't have went inside the house". I had that feeling that being there wasn't good for me. I was more worried about hurting his feelings than me feeling a great deal of discomfort from him. I tried every attempt to leave but he wouldn't let me. I had been drinking and I was asleep. I was out of it, when it happened. This guy had me right where he wanted me. In a state to where I couldn't cautiously fight back. I was too in shock and panicky to say anything. I was afraid to say anything too because I hardly knew him.
I thought that I could hide my rape from everyone. But when I came up pregnant, I knew that it would change my life. I felt like I couldn't wake from this night mare. The nightmare wasn't over. There was no way for me to hide this shame from anyone. For many reasons, I decided to have an abortion. The abortion added more to my problems. It added more to my trauma. I never wanted to be pregnant at the time. I tortured myself for 5 years because I didn't understand it. I could have talked to the professionals and had them explain it to me. But I was so scared of them judging me or tell me that it wasn't a big deal, when I felt like it was. Here I was trying to fight for my recovery from anorexia, PTSD, depression and anxiety. Maybe if I said something about it back then it would cure me. Or maybe prevent me from harming myself and putting myself in the terrible situations to where I could have ended up dead. I didn't care.
My secrets did keep me sick. That saying is so true. So here I am talking about it. I don't want to be silent anymore. I have friends that I want to tell this secret to. I am very nervous. But I know that because of their beautiful hearts, they will be loving and won't judge me. I feel that it is very important that they know.
Inherownwords 31-35, F 17 Responses 14 Dec 10, 2012