My Secret Kept Me Sick

It is a very difficult thing to talk about. Especially after blaming myself for it. I was afraid that others would judge and blame me too. And so, I stayed silent. I thought that I would be safe if I kept quiet about it. I was wrong. My rape happened 5 years ago and every single day, it haunts me. I had nightmares and flashbacks. I couldn't bury the memory of it deep enough. I tried to ignore and deny it ever happening. Even hid it from my best friends, my support groups, my family, my therapist. Somehow, I was able to hide it from myself. In a way that it seemed more like a dream than reality. I was so afraid to hear those words from others "you shouldn't have went inside the house". I had that feeling that being there wasn't good for me. I was more worried about hurting his feelings than me feeling a great deal of discomfort from him. I tried every attempt to leave but he wouldn't let me. I had been drinking and I was asleep. I was out of it, when it happened. This guy had me right where he wanted me. In a state to where I couldn't cautiously fight back. I was too in shock and panicky to say anything. I was afraid to say anything too because I hardly knew him.

I thought that I could hide my rape from everyone. But when I came up pregnant, I knew that it would change my life. I felt like I couldn't wake from this night mare. The nightmare wasn't over. There was no way for me to hide this shame from anyone. For many reasons, I decided to have an abortion. The abortion added more to my problems. It added more to my trauma. I never wanted to be pregnant at the time. I tortured myself for 5 years because I didn't understand it. I could have talked to the professionals and had them explain it to me. But I was so scared of them judging me or tell me that it wasn't a big deal, when I felt like it was. Here I was trying to fight for my recovery from anorexia, PTSD, depression and anxiety. Maybe if I said something about it back then it would cure me. Or maybe prevent me from harming myself and putting myself in the terrible situations to where I could have ended up dead. I didn't care.

My secrets did keep me sick. That saying is so true. So here I am talking about it. I don't want to be silent anymore. I have friends that I want to tell this secret to. I am very nervous. But I know that because of their beautiful hearts, they will be loving and won't judge me. I feel that it is very important that they know.
Inherownwords Inherownwords 31-35, F 29 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Your Response


No judgments. You did what you thought was_right. I hope your boyfriend and your little child is all that can help you become the happy person you once was before that terrible night.

I find myself crying for you, hurting for you and soo angry at the beast that raped you. You are a brave courageous lady. I cannot even begin to describe how much i respect and admire you. Take care of you please.

Believe He did not get away with it. Come judgement day, Jesus will turn His head on this fool and the fires of hell will be his eternal punishment for what he did to you. I only wish I had known you then for this jerk would have paid dearly for his actions. I wouldn't have killed him but he would have been wishing he were dead. He surely would have lost his manhood. Another ******* raped my sister and he did not enjoy his stay in the hospital at all. Like you, however, my sister did not press charges because she said she would rather just forget about it. To this day,,,she still hasn't forgot it and this happened 9 years ago. I pray for her every day as I will pray for you also. My sis is beginning to relax more and enjoy life again but the healing is a long and tedious process. If you need to talk, I am here.

It's a sad fact that rapists get away with their crimes due to the victim convincing themselves that they must have caused the situation that lead to it in some way. Invading someone's body without consent is a despicable crime as it also results in the 'rape' of their minds.
I'm pleased you have had the strength to come through it and hope that you can at least 'park' that part of your life even if you can never forget it.

Thank you! I still have my bad days. But I have mostly good days, now.

That's good to know, I hope the bad days will become much less and you can move on. Take care.

Thank you! You too

talking can be helpful.....secrets make feelings more powerful. I wish you well in your journey.

Thank you

: )

your welcome


thats great to hear im sooo happy you doing better hugs

Thank you

i hope your doing better

I am. Thank you

your welcome

Don't worry my friend....I can understand your situation.. Pls be strong! God is always with you....

Thank you

im here for you if you ever like to talk or vent

Thank you

your welcome

i know how feel and mean about been judge by other people

Try to stay strong and be positive,hopefully time will heal your heart and mind. :)

Thank you my friend :)

You are welcome. :)

It is a sign of extreme bravery when one confronts the horrors of life, I hope that in time you find some respite from the nightmare,

Just forget, life is going on whatever......(hugs)

hi ! i am sorry for what he did to you . sad that you had to carry that burdon alone . being upset will make you sick . been trying to tell my angry brother that for a while . please don't hurt yourself . you have been hurt enough . not here to judge . would not do that . especially for what happened to you . take care of yourself . :-)

Unless you find an outlet to vent that anger of rape you can't hide it from your self

No you can't. Which is why I chose to let it go by talking about it. Keeping it secret didn't do any good. Instead it made things worse for me.

Yes it may help in a way, hope you get it over and live life with its blessing

I have learned to live with it and I'm doing fine. I don't let it take over my life anymore.

Accepting is the key to a healthy and a peaceful life

1 More Response

This is an inspirational story, thanks for sharing. I was too raped, but didn't become pregnant. At first though, I didn't know and the thought haunted me. I didn't know what I would do if I was carrying his child. I've always liked the phrase, "Only regret the things you don't do, not the things you do". But I wondered, would getting rid of it be something I did, or didn't do? Luckily I never had to make that decision, but I fully support your choice and I applaud you for being so strong. Never give up and always be a fighter. Xoxoxo

Thank you :)

Are you awkward in public ?

Not really

Do you have trust issues with men ?

I used to. But not anymore. The man I am with now is very good to me. And I trust him

Is this about shame ?

Yes, I felt a lot of shame and guilt afterwards. I kept it a secret for so long. And the way that it happened, was afraid of being judged. The rape haunted me for years. I felt like it was holding me back from a lot of things.

Hugs to you friend. .

Thank you

I stand and salute you!! Fantastic warrior you are!!

Thank you!

Before you tell a good friend about your rape, you should try it out first by telling your friends here on EP. I'll be your friend if you'll have me. Just pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...... :-)

If you died - then the bastard that raped you "WON" - you are too strong for that - I don't know you but I bet you are too strong for that......the best way to get back at this bastard is to live your life and enjoy your life the best you can.......

By you torturing yourself - he doesn't care and probably doesn't even know how the torture you are welding onto yourself - for what? You are the one that is getting hurt again and again.....

I would highly recommend a twelve step group, counseling, etc ....anything - I don't have any judgement for what happened - you are one of the lucky ones - you could have been found in a ditch !

That is so true. Thank you!

We are so alike. Tell them... you'll feel better.

Thank you! I told one friend. I hadn't told the other yet. Just waiting for the right time to say something

<p>Every thought that I have a secret, makes the secret bigger and us to more sick. in such state, telling the secret is the only way to cure this problem.</p>

So true. Thank you!

The Truth is freeing! I am thankful you found this and are free from it. Blessings and hugs to you. <3

You are so right about that. The truth is freeing. I am so glad to have that weight off my shoulders. Thank you!

You're very welcome. Blessings and Love to you, Sweetie!

You're strong. You're tough. Stay that way. And never let anyone again hurt you and force you to do something you don't want to.

Thank you! :)