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My Secret Kept Me Sick

It is a very difficult thing to talk about. Especially after blaming myself for it. I was afraid that others would judge and blame me too. And so, I stayed silent. I thought that I would be safe if I kept quiet about it. I was wrong. My rape happened 5 years ago and every single day, it haunts me. I had nightmares and flashbacks. I couldn't bury the memory of it deep enough. I tried to ignore and deny it ever happening. Even hid it from my best friends, my support groups, my family, my therapist. Somehow, I was able to hide it from myself. In a way that it seemed more like a dream than reality. I was so afraid to hear those words from others "you shouldn't have went inside the house". I had that feeling that being there wasn't good for me. I was more worried about hurting his feelings than me feeling a great deal of discomfort from him. I tried every attempt to leave but he wouldn't let me. I had been drinking and I was asleep. I was out of it, when it happened. This guy had me right where he wanted me. In a state to where I couldn't cautiously fight back. I was too in shock and panicky to say anything. I was afraid to say anything too because I hardly knew him.

I thought that I could hide my rape from everyone. But when I came up pregnant, I knew that it would change my life. I felt like I couldn't wake from this night mare. The nightmare wasn't over. There was no way for me to hide this shame from anyone. For many reasons, I decided to have an abortion. The abortion added more to my problems. It added more to my trauma. I never wanted to be pregnant at the time. I tortured myself for 5 years because I didn't understand it. I could have talked to the professionals and had them explain it to me. But I was so scared of them judging me or tell me that it wasn't a big deal, when I felt like it was. Here I was trying to fight for my recovery from anorexia, PTSD, depression and anxiety. Maybe if I said something about it back then it would cure me. Or maybe prevent me from harming myself and putting myself in the terrible situations to where I could have ended up dead. I didn't care.

My secrets did keep me sick. That saying is so true. So here I am talking about it. I don't want to be silent anymore. I have friends that I want to tell this secret to. I am very nervous. But I know that because of their beautiful hearts, they will be loving and won't judge me. I feel that it is very important that they know.
CreoleItalianwoman CreoleItalianwoman 31-35, F 23 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Your Response


Fear of judgement and self-blame are all too common in the stories here - I am still experiencing it. I am glad that you managed to break the silence, and fight the things holding you back. It was a big deal, and you have fought with more monsters than me! I had to search the definition of rape on the internet before understanding that having sex with me while I was blacking out "counted". Things won't change until more people understand the definition of consent and realise there isn't a substitute for wanted sex.

I hope your friends were understanding, and gave you the love and support you deserve x

Thank you! I had to learn the definition of rape as well. If you had to look up the definition or have to ask yourself that question... "Was I raped", chances are you were raped. The definition is anything sexual that was without consent is called rape. You don't even have to say no, in order to call it rape. That is why I kept it a second for so long. Because I wasn't sure.

Exactly! It's just horrible that so many people have their situation made worse by not knowing and other people around them not knowing.

Hell, the guy who raped me still doesn't think what he did was wrong. It bothers me more that he might hurt someone else in the same way, more than the fact that he never went to court for it. But he is no longer a part of my life - and hopefully never will be.

Luckily there are people in the world who do understand, and those willing to take the risk of treating others like living, breathing human beings :)

You should make fake Facebook accounts and claim he raped you on HIS public space every few months.

The guy that raped me, he stalked me shortly after. He would call my phone in the middle of the night and early in the morning. And he would talk about how much he loved me. It got so bad to the point that I had to change my phone number. Thank God he never knew where I lived because that would have been very bad.

It sounds like what he did damaged him too. I'm very glad he won't be able to find you, and that you are safe - that's the most important thing.

For his sake, I hope he learns to respect himself and others by not depending on another human being to feed his sense of self worth.

You are a strong person for getting through this Creole, may you face all of life's challenges with the same bravery :) much love x

People attack me for being strong and having the sexual preferences that I do.... which is ironik because I am devastated if a woman ever says "SAFEWORD" !!!!! not giving CONSENT is all that it takes to make any thing sexual a RAPE! and a person can WITHDRAW CONCENT with ANY indication at all! If you are in the middle of having sex and tell him to get off and he does not IMIDEANTLY stop changes from sex to rape in an instant! There is no room for discussion IF THERE IS NOT INTELLIGENT CONCENT IT IS RAPE.

It's sad that people attack you for being who you are. But I'm really glad you understand how the boundaries work.

As for attacking him further - well I'm not going to take revenge and teach him any more bad habits. One day hopefully he'll learn for himself why what he did was wrong.

In the meantime we can all agree that nothing beats real sex in a safe environment with someone who treats your body with respect and who gets respect from you too (whatever yours and their preferences :) ). My current boyfriend thankfully gives me that and has slowly helped me to stop feeling disgusting and ashamed :)

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I have a sjujestion....please understand this is my honest opinion and based on life experience! Rape is not about sex it is about POWER.... and when a person is raped they frequently feal powerless. I have taught self defense to people that feal helpless and powerless and afraid..... when you learn to smash 5/6....0r MORE 1 inch thick boards with your hands feet elbows and knees is HARD TO FEAL POWERLESS! when you learn how to throw a person who is twice your side by MISDIRECTING THERE ENERGY....while using very little of your energy....IT IS HARD TO FEAL POWERLESS! When you learn how to take a punch and get up it is hard to feal powerless! When you learn these things it DESTROYS that persons power in your mind.... it does not make it any less pain full of a MEMORY....but itSTOPES fear and angsiatty from making that memory GROW INTO A MONSTER!

Thank you! And I agree it is not about sex but control.

No judgments. You did what you thought was_right. I hope your boyfriend and your little child is all that can help you become the happy person you once was before that terrible night.

Believe He did not get away with it. Come judgement day, Jesus will turn His head on this fool and the fires of hell will be his eternal punishment for what he did to you. I only wish I had known you then for this jerk would have paid dearly for his actions. I wouldn't have killed him but he would have been wishing he were dead. He surely would have lost his manhood. Another ******* raped my sister and he did not enjoy his stay in the hospital at all. Like you, however, my sister did not press charges because she said she would rather just forget about it. To this day,,,she still hasn't forgot it and this happened 9 years ago. I pray for her every day as I will pray for you also. My sis is beginning to relax more and enjoy life again but the healing is a long and tedious process. If you need to talk, I am here.

It's a sad fact that rapists get away with their crimes due to the victim convincing themselves that they must have caused the situation that lead to it in some way. Invading someone's body without consent is a despicable crime as it also results in the 'rape' of their minds.
I'm pleased you have had the strength to come through it and hope that you can at least 'park' that part of your life even if you can never forget it.

Thank you! I still have my bad days. But I have mostly good days, now.

That's good to know, I hope the bad days will become much less and you can move on. Take care.

Thank you! You too

talking can be helpful.....secrets make feelings more powerful. I wish you well in your journey.

Thank you

Try to stay strong and be positive,hopefully time will heal your heart and mind. :)

Thank you my friend :)

You are welcome. :)

It is a sign of extreme bravery when one confronts the horrors of life, I hope that in time you find some respite from the nightmare,

Just forget, life is going on whatever......(hugs)

hi ! i am sorry for what he did to you . sad that you had to carry that burdon alone . being upset will make you sick . been trying to tell my angry brother that for a while . please don't hurt yourself . you have been hurt enough . not here to judge . would not do that . especially for what happened to you . take care of yourself . :-)

Unless you find an outlet to vent that anger of rape you can't hide it from your self

No you can't. Which is why I chose to let it go by talking about it. Keeping it secret didn't do any good. Instead it made things worse for me.

Yes it may help in a way, hope you get it over and live life with its blessing

I have learned to live with it and I'm doing fine. I don't let it take over my life anymore.

Accepting is the key to a healthy and a peaceful life

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This is an inspirational story, thanks for sharing. I was too raped, but didn't become pregnant. At first though, I didn't know and the thought haunted me. I didn't know what I would do if I was carrying his child. I've always liked the phrase, "Only regret the things you don't do, not the things you do". But I wondered, would getting rid of it be something I did, or didn't do? Luckily I never had to make that decision, but I fully support your choice and I applaud you for being so strong. Never give up and always be a fighter. Xoxoxo

Thank you :)

Are you awkward in public ?

Not really

Do you have trust issues with men ?

I used to. But not anymore. The man I am with now is very good to me. And I trust him

Is this about shame ?

Yes, I felt a lot of shame and guilt afterwards. I kept it a secret for so long. And the way that it happened, was afraid of being judged. The rape haunted me for years. I felt like it was holding me back from a lot of things.

Hugs to you friend. .

Thank you

I stand and salute you!! Fantastic warrior you are!!

Thank you!

Before you tell a good friend about your rape, you should try it out first by telling your friends here on EP. I'll be your friend if you'll have me. Just pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...... :-)

If you died - then the bastard that raped you "WON" - you are too strong for that - I don't know you but I bet you are too strong for that......the best way to get back at this bastard is to live your life and enjoy your life the best you can.......

By you torturing yourself - he doesn't care and probably doesn't even know how the torture you are welding onto yourself - for what? You are the one that is getting hurt again and again.....

I would highly recommend a twelve step group, counseling, etc ....anything - I don't have any judgement for what happened - you are one of the lucky ones - you could have been found in a ditch !

That is so true. Thank you!

We are so alike. Tell them... you'll feel better.

Thank you! I told one friend. I hadn't told the other yet. Just waiting for the right time to say something

<p>Every thought that I have a secret, makes the secret bigger and us to more sick. in such state, telling the secret is the only way to cure this problem.</p>

So true. Thank you!

The Truth is freeing! I am thankful you found this and are free from it. Blessings and hugs to you. <3

You are so right about that. The truth is freeing. I am so glad to have that weight off my shoulders. Thank you!

You're very welcome. Blessings and Love to you, Sweetie!

You're strong. You're tough. Stay that way. And never let anyone again hurt you and force you to do something you don't want to.

Thank you! :)