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End To My College Days

I was so excited about going to college. I was finally going to get the life I deserved. I had scholarships and grants, I worked hard for everything I had even though I started out with nothing. I was on my way to helping people, which was all I ever wanted to do. I was only a few months in but it was everything I had hoped it would be, I was working, doing great in class, and even made some great friends. Everything was perfect for a change. Then one night I was grabbed out of the dark, his body was so heavy on mine I couldn't get him off. He just held me there for what seemed like an eternity, watching me struggle, I remember him staring into my eyes and they burned. I remember the feel of every touch, every burning tear that ran down my face, The pain I felt every time his skin touched mine was unbearable. He covered my mouth with his hand as he took my body, I fought with everything I had but I had never felt so powerless. Everyone always told me what a strong person I was and how it was amazing everything I had built myself up from, but in seconds he tore me down. After what felt like an eternity of humiliation and pain, he just got up and ran away. What he did to me will probably be one of the proudest moments of his life that he will remember forever, he probably told all his buddies about it and got a good laugh. I on the other have to deal with the pain he caused me every freakin day and the fact that I didn't come forward that night will haunt me forever. Instead I went to my dorm that night threw out my clothes, showered for 3 hours, went to bed and got up for work the next day thinking I could forget all about it, but I never will. I wake from nightmares nearly every night, the sight of his eyes glaring at me. He took everything from me, I cant talk to people the way I use to, Im no longer the happy driven person I was, I lost sight of everything that was beautiful in the world. I just don't even know why I'm here anymore...
knolen1 knolen1 18-21, F 9 Responses Jan 14, 2013

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Sometimes the hornyness and frustration is just too overwhelming.. If you didnt get pregnant or STD , just let it go..

When something terrible happens to a person that only turns into a living nightmare that will never go away . . . there is a way to minus it from your memory . . . and what I am about to speak does not in any way make me a religious person as known to humans, but rather a man who only knows God without man in the middle who has always destroyed truth.

What I have to say comes in 2 parts with the first being in these very true and pure words directly from our Lord who cannot lie or mislead in the ways man always has. . .

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

First of all is the fact when we feel empty, hurt, worthless, pain and great mental anguish that we cannot control. . . why not just give it all to who can? Why not just say, Lord you tell people you care, so I am holding you to your own words while just dumping all of my major loads of problems in life right on top of you. . . and when I do anything you speak through faith you will answer because without faith you cannot be pleased.

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)

Now your second step comes in seeing all in this world who are always suffering in ways that go so far beyond words there is no way to fully describe children being beaten, raped, tortured and murdered along with a whole world's civilization described by God's own words that over three billion believers refuse to believe. . .

"The Lord looks down from heaven at us humans
to see if there are any who are wise,
any who worship him.
But they have all gone wrong;
they are all equally bad.
Not one of them does what is right,
not a single one. (Psalms 14:2-3)

Because of all the difficulties in my own life, I just look to see all the horrible suffering in others worldwide while seeking detail for better understanding . . . and what that does is remove all my own problems while being very thankful that I am not one boiling a dead child for food to eat the way done in North Korea and many other parts of this very sad world headed for it's own destruction.

I care about you and our Lord does love you very much.

I deeply feel for what happened to you, but please, whatever you decide to do about reporting the rape or not, DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR STUDIES AND SCHOOL! It would mean that you're giving up on your life, on everything you felt precious to your being, your goals, your dreams...don't let this happen because a monster broke temporally your body and perhaps ruined your soul forever...I know it's hard to heal from PTSD, but you must fight it with all your might, try doing therapy and ask for medical treatment as well....don't let that monster take over your life completely....emerge yourself in studying and dreaming a better life and talk with a close, trusting friend...

If you feel the need to talk with someone unknown, I'm here.

I can relate to how you felt and still feel, rape is disgusting and it takes so much of your pride and self worth from you. You sound like an amazing person, and that didn't deserve to happen to you at all. I don't understand, why bad things happen to good people. It's incredibly unfair. I was raped over 2 years ago, and I'm still struggling to get my life back on track from the humiliation and depression I went through afterwards and still feel today. I couldn't believe it had happened to me but it did. Stay strong and keep going with your head held up high. and if you ever need anyone to vent to, you're open to vent to me.

You may not be the same person again, but you don't have to let him win. You struggled against him that night, but the struggle isn't over. The fights is still on. You can give up or continue to fight to get your life back or build a new one. You sound like you are choosing to give up and just going through the motions... ?<br />
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If you step outside yourself for a moment, pretend you are watching a movie, what would you want the heroine to do from here out?

I know I am just going through the motion. I dont feel like I am really here anymore. I have lost who I was and I want more than anything to be the happy person I was, but I dont feel like I will ever be happy again.

Do you want to be happy again?

I do but I feel like I dont deserve to be.

I'm trying hard to understand this... maybe I never can. Why do you feel you don't deserve to be happy now? I will venture a few guesses.... You feel like he has made you valueless and not worth of happiness? Is it this new knowledge of how dangerous the world can be, that you should always be vigilant instead? Do you feel like you are weak because it has affected you so deeply? Afraid of how partners, friends and family see now?

I do feel weak in so many ways, that maybe i should have had more fight in me. I feel like after everything I have been through, every single knock down has scarred me and at this point i am covered in them, what kinda person is going to be willing to help me carry those burdens and even if i did find someone who wanted to i couldnt knowingly share my problems or drag someone into my life like that. I dont ever want someone to have to share my pain.

Did you have more fight in? Or just realizing your own physical limitations combined with lack of knowledge on fighting?

Lots of good people will help you carry those burdens as long as they are not required to carry them for you. It's a fine line. Time should be making it better, but it sounds like you are stuck there... not getting any healing... ?

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What other users said: Report it. It's not too late to report it. You don't deserve it at all. This scumbag should be in prison for this condemnatory act. I can sense hatred and pain from reading this. I know how it feels...I wish you the best and stay strong!

Yes I agree, report this. Whn I read ur story I can sense your hatred. But believe me the guy who did it won't be having too much peace or satisfaction in his life as u thnk. The crime he committed will be like his very shadow. But u, u r what u believe u are. What happened was wrong, somebody took advantage of your helplessness. Now Submit your life to Jesus he knows your hopes and dreams. Be secure in his arms, he is your healer your avenger. Believe me the wrong that happened was not of Gods making. But now he will carry u in his arms.

its never to late....go and report it...NOW...what if he does it again...what if the next girl doesnt get away?...you need to report this scumbag...make him pay for what he did!

Nobody deserved to go through what you went through he had no right take. Away your happiness. You should still tell someone. I didn't and I regret it in a way. Stay strong.