Online Relationship Anxiety

Hi, I'm not a rape victim. But I know someone close to me has suffered sexual abuse and molestation. She is....my girlfriend. She's the best thing happened to me. Without her my life would be meaningless. Before I start the story, let's talk about my strong hatred on rape subject.

When I was eight I remember my first experience of rape. I can't remember what movie it was. I know it's fake since it's acting, but the actors performing the scene capture the character emotions. When the male forcefully tears the female's dress, it's like a stab in the back. The tears broke my heart as I grew hatred towards my own sex gender. I made a vow to myself...I will never...never treat a woman like this.

My chemistry changed since I hit the teenage puberty. I feel a whole different person than I was a child. Every time I see a rape scene, I grew the same dark emotion as I was a child, but...sexual aroused at same time. I would describe as guilt shadows spreading into my bloodstream of my penis. After puberty was over, I felt myself again. What disgust me about rape is people tearing young children, young adults, even family members...what's wrong with the world these days...

Now on the story, I've met my girlfriend last year of January. This month is our first anniversary together. We have a lot in common and I love her personality. I never met a girl with adorable personalty and great sense of humor. We started dating after few days. I felt happy, I feel I found my soul-mate.

Months later...when I mention the word "rape" she tells me never to say it. Which is odd, I often use the term "rape" as ruin. Most often view rape as "sexual assault." Then that's when she told me that she's a victim of sexual molestation of her step parents.

Before I get into details her real parents dead because her biogicial father committed suicide and killed her mother...she witness him committing side..right in front of her! She became a orphan at a Catholic Orphanage. Her biological brother is her only family she got. One day a couple interviewed with her and they decide to adopt her and her brother. She felt happy until...they went to her home. All hell break loose.

Her step-mother mother is nothing, but a pathetic hobo who beats her for no reason. I didn't hear much about her. Her step-father...he always molest her whenever he pleases. It disgust me....a lot.

One night...when she was 18, the step-parents had a nasty argument. So the step-father went out for a drink. While she was sleeping like a cute kitten, a door smashed open. All drunk, he made a glare stare at her and out of blue he began to get on top of her. She was defenseless, she couldn't get him off of her. He began to touch her inappropriate parts including her breasts. After that he begins fingering her womanhood. The feeling of his dirty hands on her skin crashed her soul. Once he finished violating her body, she stayed up crying to herself and feeling violated.

That was a year before she meet me. She didn't say a single word about it to her brother or step-brother. When she told me that story, I was crashed, helpless, and violated. I wanted to kill him so bad. He still molests her by giving her "hugs" when those hugs are mainly to feel her body. Not to mention he looks at her strangely. So I advise her to tell someone and she did..by telling her step-brother. He went berserk and...let's just say he was sent to a hospital.

Ever since I hadn't heard any word about her scumbag step-father touching her. However, today I'm still worried about her living with that pig. I've been so scared...helpless...everyday. She always said, "Don't worry about me." Even she said that, I still can't help myself from worrying. I have a feeling he'll do something sneaky...maybe take her virginity from me...

I love her so much...I want her to live with me...but sadly she's so far away. I'm from New Jersey, USA. She's at Canada...I just wish I can make enough money. I would ask for a donation, but that'll be begging...so I've been trying find other ways to make money other then my part-time job.

I've been paranoid, anxious, and little psychosis. I'm not the best boyfriend in the world. I've been disloyal couple times, but least I'm a man enough to admit it. I broke her promise...that meant to her. I can't take it back...but I wish I can prove my strong loyalty. She has always been loyal to me since we've been in relationship. She's the best girl I've dated. Even I said things I didn't mean to or mix emotions on her. She won't stop loving me...she doesn't deserve this kind of childhood. All I want for her is to be happy...with me.
Gonzobdd Gonzobdd
18-21, M
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

Oh man I feel for ya I find my self hearing about my friends being molested and it just about causes murder i settled on pranks evil ones one time I got so mad I beat a male teacher black and blue for hurting my friend he got put in jail while I got probation but violence is not the answer if u really need the money i could send u some I have $1000 saved up

And I will with all of my life find a way to get more

I apologize for not responding over a year and half. I've been busy and trying to settle my relationship. But sadly...we broke up and things has gotten worse for her...if you want know more please message me...I appreciate your generous offer, but I will have to decline, because it's your money and you need money to survive reality called life.