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Didn't Think It'd Ever Happen To Me.

I was 15, I had only turned 15 a week before when it happened. It was Christmas Eve, about 2 in the morning. The unthinkable had happened to me. Something I thought would have never happened to me.

About two or three weeks earlier, I got up at around 6am to get ready for school. My cousin had slept over and was sleeping in my brothers room. He was 17 at the time. Anyways, he texted me saying, "what are you doing up this early". I replied saying, "I have to get ready for school". He then told me, "turn off the light, go back to sleep, and put a **** in your mouth". Thinking very oddly of this I just brushed it off my shoulders and went off my day. Thinking he wasn't some pervert and he was just "joking" around.

A week after that he texted and we were just talking about random stuff. Then he comes upon this topic saying "You should lose your virginity with someone you love". I was thinking in my head like wtf is this kid talking about? But I didn't really think much of it cause I didn't think anything bad about it.

On December 23, 2008, I went to an area that was very close to my house with my friend, it had different little shopping centers and couple food places. It was just our hang out area. I asked her if she would like to sleep over and she said yes. I went home to find out that the same cousin was sleeping over again.

My friend and I were just downstairs watching movies and my cousin and brother were upstairs playing video games in his room. My cousin then texted me around midnight texting me random ****. Then I guess he waited for my brother to fall asleep and he came downstairs. We were all hanging out in the family room just taking pictures having fun. Then we turned off the tv and all the lights and lied down on the couch. My friend fell asleep and I lied down on another part of the couch and my cousin lied down next to me with his head next to my feet. As I am about to fall asleep I feel his hands rubbing up and down my legs. I wake up shocked and confused. I didn't say anything because I was just so frightened. He then starts fingering me. Then before I know it he's on top of me. I don't know why, but words couldn't come out of my mouth. I tried so hard saying no but I just was shocked of what was happening I became numb. He then pulled down my shorts and put it in. It hurt so bad but I was trying so hard not to scream. He asked me if I was okay, while he was still doing it. That just made me disgusted. He then stopped and went back upstairs. I was lying there thinking, 'what the hell just happened. why didn't I stop this'.

I kept this a secret for months, almost a year. Then I told my step sisters and they told their mom. I was so upset that they had told her when I thought I trusted them. Before, even now, she sometimes brings it up and makes it into a joke. And makes me think I'm a ****, want attention, and didn't say no for a reason. Makes me feel dirty. I've always thought about committing suicide, I've done self harm. Ever since that night I've had horrible depression. I made so many stupid decisions. I've never been to counseling or done anything to get help. No one knows this story except my step sisters, step mom, and a few friends. But when I tell people that I may have depression and I'm always sad they don't believe me and think I'm just overthinking things. But soon I'm going to go find help because I want to live a normal life. And not have to deal with such horrible flashbacks.

I am 19 and still continue to think of this. It bothers me almost every single day. I hope one day these memories will become faint and I won't have to deal with them and just live a happy normal life.
ConfidentialGirl ConfidentialGirl 18-21, F 5 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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It is not ur fault at all your cousin did this that is so sick my god not be merciful with him on his judgment day may satan have his soul and may god bless u help u grow and let him let his promise to the children of Abraham be fulfilled in u

First never blame yourselve of what happened. It is not your fault.

Second..and more important...you need to let others know what happend. Your cousin is still out there and what he did was wrong. Until something is done about this....there really will never be closure.

Never keep something so horrible a secret. What he did....this sickening thing he did to you was wrong and something needs to be done about it.

I thing you should tell your parents and report this to the police. Only then will there be some closure....and the start of a normal life.

I know exactly how you feel i went thru the same thing when i was 15 & only one person knows what happen to me ... I know what you mean when you say you want a normal life cause I wanna live a normal life too .....

Well it's great that your seeking help.

Wow. Your story is really close to me. I was raped as a very young child by older men. My rape caused me to become a sex addict. I was addicted to drugs as well, hence i became a sex slave. One night i didnt stop my cousin. I know exactly how you feel. You feel bad about not stopping him but in reality you are not dirty at all. You didnt stop him out of fear and confusion. It is nothing to be ashamed of. I understand the way you feel about your mom and your friends. Many people dont take it half as seriously as they should. The dont understand what you went thru. With depression, people dont understand its more than just sadness, its a mental disorder, it cant just be reversed. Life can be so hard sometimes, but you seem like a wise girl. Feel free to talk to me anytime. I will keep you in my prayers.