Flash Backs Are Ruining My Life...

the weirdest things trigger my flash backs, every time i get them, i have these terrible mental breakdowns.. i completely shut down.. once i get one little flash back.. the whole thing plays over and over in my head, like a film.. every second, every thought, every thing.. i cant stop it, i cant calm down, i cant do anything for the rest of the day.. i think of suicide, i think of moving away, i think of things i shouldnt.. these little day episodes i get after a triggered flash back, they're ruining my life.. every relationship sence it happened (which was over a year ago).. i cant stay friends with people because i flip out if they do anything that could hurt me or if they get too close to me.. now i have had a 4 month relationship, and i finnely told him what happened.. but my flashbacks get so server when i have boyfriends, because the boy that raped me over a year ago was a boyfriend at the time... i trusted him to be alone with me, and he knew that i didnt want to have sex and he said it was ok if i didnt want to yet.. i didnt do anything to provoke it, he kissed me and then all of a sudden he was trying to do things... and when "no" wasnt the answer he was going to take, and "stop" didnt do anything.. i knew my life would never be the same, but i didnt know that it was going to be so vilent, or grousome.. i always assumed that it only happened to hoes that get abducted.. not to a girl in a relationship who was being moddest, i wasnt wearing something tight or small, i wasnt trying to look good.. i wasnt even sitting right next to him.. i guess i shouldve made him leave when i smelt the alcohol on his breath, but i just wanted to see him cuz i didnt get to hang out with him alot.. ive only told three people what happened that day, on november 17... i dont know if i could actualy share it on here... out of the three peopl i have told only 2 believe me... the other one doesnt because i didnt go to the police or tell anyone.. im so afraid people wont believe me, and they will think im looking for attenchen, when im not... i just cant keep dealing with this and im hoping by posting this, i will be told that im not the only one who doesnt tell people and gets flash backs.. im hoping im not alone, because for the last year and 2 months, i have felt so alone..
An Ep User An EP User
6 Responses Jan 23, 2013

you are not alone i have never told anyone at all but i got hurt by a lifesaver i went to the pool everyday and i still can't swim by myself

Your going throw the same thing I'm going throw.my family don't know or does my cousler.the more I hide it the worst it's getting.I walk around acting like I am ok but it's not.I can't prove my happened because it was when I was in high school in 10th grade .I'm in collage now.it sucks because I believe it happened more than once.everyday he had to be with me he get jealous if a guy look at me.we sneak in park at night.he was someone who you couldn't trust.I wish I would of went with my gut and never went out with him.I just figure it was me being scared.after the break up he would be next to my house at night playing soccer in the parking lot.one time told me he was going to club with friends if I wanted to go told him no.I hated his guts .I never told him I know what happened.his brother go to my collage and he sometimes gives me this look .his old gf fills my medication for a while but she now work somewhere else.I feel like I have hard time trusting anyone it's been 6 years .

You are not alone, there are others out there who understand how you feel; because, they too have gone through something similar. Where their voices went unheard and ignored, and by force your Power to say No was taken away from you, and that is so very wrong. No one has that right. Flashbacks are a way for the subconscious to let the conscious mind know, that there is something wrong and it needs your attention because it is causing you pain. Please try to get help, reach out to those who believe you for their love and support. And it is OK to cry, just spend the time crying; thinking about how you will move forward, and that it's OK to let it out and heal.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Please know that this was not your fault. No is no. Don't let him take any more of your life away from you. Google support groups in your area and talk to real people who have been through the same thing. Get your life back for you and show the bastard that did this to you that he cannot control your happiness. I hope you can find the courage and support you need to report this sicko. Your not alone and i'm so sorry. I will be praying for your road to recovery.

Nothing is ur fault. I was raped at 16 by a 38 year old man its not even a year yet. Im 17 now. We havent even had court yet. I wanted 3 months to tell my parents i felt like it was my fault bc i felt like i didnt fight him off enough but truth is even if i would have tried he would have taken it anyways. My relationship ate the same. Ppl doubt my rape bc i never told. Its Always made out to be easy But it never is. Its so much different wen you are put in that situation. Trust me i know. I told my family and we pressed charges. You have to take charge and realize if u keep beating yourself up and letting it control your life. he will always win. I still have meltdowns ever now and then But tbh Im so much better. I have a bf and we are so close. Im closer to my family bc they were the ones that stuck by me. Illnever be he same, it will never be. You will Always hurt But i learned to not let him control my life and get My life back. And tbh i can say Im honestly ok now. It Wasnt easy at all but im so relieved. I cry at night a lot im scared alone. Youll always have those traits but its learning to cope.

No your not alone alot of women/sexual suriviors have flashbacks, I myself have flashbacks(not rape/sexual violence), but hopefully have your bofriend is understanding and you can get help, if your strong enough press charges against your ex for what he has done to you.

Some people to stop the flashbacks do things that distract(hobbies, job, education, etc..), some like to bring justice for themselves by have the rapist put behind bars, and others use their flashbacks to warn others of rape, inspiring, helping and making others not feel alone in the world are now in.

But your not alone, you should read some of the stories here to help give you guide.