I Cant Stop Thinking About My Rape
I see I found people I truly can relate to about the sexual abuse that happened to me. I was sexually and physically abused every day for seven months when I was 32 starting a few weeks after my 32nd birthday. Before then I hadn't even had my first kiss, date or boyfriend. I am 35 now.
I also was born so sensitive to a lot of things and physical pain results from stress and emotional pain, and the physical pain causes more stress. You get the idea. I was also born with significant but not-that-noticeable physical disabilities.
I forgave my attackers but the pain is stuff I have to live with.
A lot of people just don't seem to get it. They say, well just don't think about it. I would erase it if I could. They say don't talk about it, but I have to talk. Who will listen? They say you could have escaped if you wanted to, but where I was, the only vehicles there allowed were by people who ran the facility (I volunteered to go there thinking they could teach me how to live on my own in spite of my physical disabilities.) and you couldn't leave unless they signed your release AND I couldn't run away from these guys cause I can't run without falling down. People say a lot of things out of not being able to understand the emotional turmoil a male or female faces upon getting raped.
Many in life say they care but when you need to get it out and talk, especially if a trigger happens, they don't want to listen. And while I cannot take medicine because of how sensitive my body is, using psychiatry or psychology to talk is a waste of time and money. They are basically professional friends. I have friends who I don't have to pay to be my friend, so I stopped going to them, the pros.
They listened though. That helped.
I stopped putting certain shows on my DVR because of seeing people that reminded me of those two guys. I stopped going to one of my favorite stores because an employee looked like a brunette version of one guy and his demeanor was like the other guy. I can't eat plain milk chocolate m-n-m's anymore cause the guy in the commercial looked exactly like one guy in his face and it made me throw up right then very badly. There are plenty of things that happened.
My body took horrible beatings. And I am already very sensitive to pain thanks to how I was born. I still have sore ribs everytime any pressure goes on my ribs, thanks to my ribs getting crushed and my body being black and bruised there. My nips were torn to bleeding and to this day still hurt big time from time to time. My neck which was squeezed still hurts from time to time. My right arm which was split open, hurts big time if I get any type of injury on my right arm, especially IV needle from doctors trying to de-stress me if the rape traumas land me in the hospital. More happened. I just listed some.
People want me to believe they care about what I went through, but if triggers happen and the psychosis of these events plague me and I need to talk it out, they don't want to listen. To me, that doesn't show people care. I know they mean well. But they haven't walked in my shoes in these things.
I do see a good thing from this though. I was able to be a voice and not be silenced. They remained by my side and people thought they were my boyfriends until the realization hit them that these men stayed with me only to make sure I didn't talk and report them. I had escape in my mind, a plan. I didn't want to rely on the staffers who accused me of making it up when I told them, then took action after others heard my screams, then blamed me and my friends for getting these guys arrested. I wasn't the only female they hurt and tried to kill. I just refused to keep quiet.
I also have met some nice people resulting from unusual hours of wake and sleep.
It is also possible I got pregnant and miscarried.
But still, who wants to hear all this? I am not turned off from the idea of wanting a true romance. I never knew true physical romance - kissing, dating, etc. - but I don't blame all males just because some were rotten.
Do I want the cd of my life to be stuck on this? No. I was born shattered but I remain unbroken. Time heals everyone if you are patient enough to let it happen. Healing has its own timeline for everyone. It doesn't happen just because others want it to happen.
I don't wanna go to an actual support group of raped victims cause I don't wanna drown in the psychosis of what happened to me and others. But I do need to talk to someone. I am always there for people but now when I need someone to listen to me and help me through this, who is willing to help me out? But at the same time, I do want to go because I want that social connectivity and I want to know others know what I'm going through and care and want to listen and help me and let me listen to them and we can help each other out. But my hours of wake and sleep are not eye-to-eye with that.
I am a Christian and my mom thinks if Jesus truly loved me, He'd have not let this happen to me. But to me, God doesn't prevent bad from happening. He holds your hand through it all and then brings in the good to compensate. I know not everyone is a Christian. I don't shove my beliefs down people's throats. But we Christians go through things too.
I heard before, what did I do to deserve this, because I don't dress in revealing clothes, go clubbing, talk dirty, etc. but yet others who do those things don't get attacked. I will never know except what I mentioned before, that I was able to be a voice for the females who were silenced.
I also was born so sensitive to a lot of things and physical pain results from stress and emotional pain, and the physical pain causes more stress. You get the idea. I was also born with significant but not-that-noticeable physical disabilities.
I forgave my attackers but the pain is stuff I have to live with.
A lot of people just don't seem to get it. They say, well just don't think about it. I would erase it if I could. They say don't talk about it, but I have to talk. Who will listen? They say you could have escaped if you wanted to, but where I was, the only vehicles there allowed were by people who ran the facility (I volunteered to go there thinking they could teach me how to live on my own in spite of my physical disabilities.) and you couldn't leave unless they signed your release AND I couldn't run away from these guys cause I can't run without falling down. People say a lot of things out of not being able to understand the emotional turmoil a male or female faces upon getting raped.
Many in life say they care but when you need to get it out and talk, especially if a trigger happens, they don't want to listen. And while I cannot take medicine because of how sensitive my body is, using psychiatry or psychology to talk is a waste of time and money. They are basically professional friends. I have friends who I don't have to pay to be my friend, so I stopped going to them, the pros.
They listened though. That helped.
I stopped putting certain shows on my DVR because of seeing people that reminded me of those two guys. I stopped going to one of my favorite stores because an employee looked like a brunette version of one guy and his demeanor was like the other guy. I can't eat plain milk chocolate m-n-m's anymore cause the guy in the commercial looked exactly like one guy in his face and it made me throw up right then very badly. There are plenty of things that happened.
My body took horrible beatings. And I am already very sensitive to pain thanks to how I was born. I still have sore ribs everytime any pressure goes on my ribs, thanks to my ribs getting crushed and my body being black and bruised there. My nips were torn to bleeding and to this day still hurt big time from time to time. My neck which was squeezed still hurts from time to time. My right arm which was split open, hurts big time if I get any type of injury on my right arm, especially IV needle from doctors trying to de-stress me if the rape traumas land me in the hospital. More happened. I just listed some.
People want me to believe they care about what I went through, but if triggers happen and the psychosis of these events plague me and I need to talk it out, they don't want to listen. To me, that doesn't show people care. I know they mean well. But they haven't walked in my shoes in these things.
I do see a good thing from this though. I was able to be a voice and not be silenced. They remained by my side and people thought they were my boyfriends until the realization hit them that these men stayed with me only to make sure I didn't talk and report them. I had escape in my mind, a plan. I didn't want to rely on the staffers who accused me of making it up when I told them, then took action after others heard my screams, then blamed me and my friends for getting these guys arrested. I wasn't the only female they hurt and tried to kill. I just refused to keep quiet.
I also have met some nice people resulting from unusual hours of wake and sleep.
It is also possible I got pregnant and miscarried.
But still, who wants to hear all this? I am not turned off from the idea of wanting a true romance. I never knew true physical romance - kissing, dating, etc. - but I don't blame all males just because some were rotten.
Do I want the cd of my life to be stuck on this? No. I was born shattered but I remain unbroken. Time heals everyone if you are patient enough to let it happen. Healing has its own timeline for everyone. It doesn't happen just because others want it to happen.
I don't wanna go to an actual support group of raped victims cause I don't wanna drown in the psychosis of what happened to me and others. But I do need to talk to someone. I am always there for people but now when I need someone to listen to me and help me through this, who is willing to help me out? But at the same time, I do want to go because I want that social connectivity and I want to know others know what I'm going through and care and want to listen and help me and let me listen to them and we can help each other out. But my hours of wake and sleep are not eye-to-eye with that.
I am a Christian and my mom thinks if Jesus truly loved me, He'd have not let this happen to me. But to me, God doesn't prevent bad from happening. He holds your hand through it all and then brings in the good to compensate. I know not everyone is a Christian. I don't shove my beliefs down people's throats. But we Christians go through things too.
I heard before, what did I do to deserve this, because I don't dress in revealing clothes, go clubbing, talk dirty, etc. but yet others who do those things don't get attacked. I will never know except what I mentioned before, that I was able to be a voice for the females who were silenced.
Age:
31-35
,
Female
